Everly

What's with winter and festivals? No plans for New year's eve whatsoever.

I don't know what to believe anymore you know. In two days, there will be a change of a digit and I will be completing 20 years on this earth. In these 20 years, I am no near where I wanted to be. No near the things I wanted to achieve. But. But I suppose, that's what adult life is like. You get separated from faith and fantasy and get more exposed to the reality of pain and confusion. Of course, it doesn't apply to everybody. There are successful adults of 20 out there. Who worked hard on themselves, who gained something in return. It is time I accept that, if you don't put an energy on something, it won't have any outcome. I have to put myself out there. I have to set a constructive goal and work toward it. I can say, I am not scared of being Kind. Of being called- Innocent. Because, I have encountered people being ruthless, having no sense of character. And it only has driven me to be who I am right now on this very present. Just to make yourself look int...

Now, I consider myself to be a fully committed person. Like when I am starting to watch a TV show, I don't get to another TV show, until, and only until I finish up all the seasons. Okay, So I was watching Scrubs all this time up until T told me to watch The Vampire Diaries, so I kind of watched The Vampire Diaries for a few days, only to keep her word, and just after like completing one season of it I felt like I was cheating. I felt like I have to get back to Scrubs again, I just can't be such a hoe. So I stopped watching TVD, and now I am fully hooked up with Scrubs, up until again I found myself watching Inside Amy Schumer last night, it was just an honest mistake, I was surfing through youtube, watched some scenes and then before I knew it, I watched 3 episodes of season 1 on putlocker. And I already feel like I have cheated on Scrubs, yet Again. GOD this is awful. It also happens to me when I start a book and get hooked up by another book and then I get confused on whi...

You know what's pathetic about this year is that- I felt things very intensely and also, wasted December. Didn't travel anywhere. Spending it like a prisoner. No outcomes. I am hoping against hope that next year, I will make each day count.

UGH. It's like everyday I wake up. Do the same fucking thing. And then go back to sleep. Been watching sitcoms, and realizing my life's a joke. I planned to go outside today, dozed off on our couch. And I look ugly as hell. I've got acne spots all over my face. Hate the fact that I have to live with it until it goes away. Pain, Acne, Stupid hormones.

I heard him shouting out my name and I looked down from stage, it wasn't hard to spot him out of the crowd, since... If everyone was Black and White, he was the one in screaming colors. And I know it's a metaphor. But you get the idea. The story doesn't lose its originality, It is how falling in love feels like. You lose the connection to reality. You lose a bunch of things. Like- Self-worth..Esteem.Control... You assume- he/she is worth the headache. I know what you must be thinking- but here's the thing I am not a love specialist- I've never been into relationships. However, I know how it is like, falling in love with someone, ever so deeply that you cling to every small detail. Every memory that he left off on you. Every footprint on your stomach(Metaphor Alert) When he abandoned you.When he gave of a feeling, you don't even exist. All the butterflies you felt for him, died just then. You remember them all. Because, he lives with that string of memories with...

Ooooowkay. This year is ending soon.It had an affect on me. I've changed and grown. Time for a pledge...New years always surprise me. So there is no point in forecasting. Still. I've got a feeling. I will manage things more maturely than I did this year. I will try at least to avoid the things that I know pain me. It is not easy, forgetting him since he is in our friend circle. But this semester I took courses that may collide his schedule, resulting a lot few encounters than this last one. I hope- Keyword-HOPE(can't promise anything yet)-that I will have to see less of him. That would be healthy for me. Feelings will fade. In Sha Allah.  My CGPA has lessened over the year. I cannot afford another year of this. I have no option left than studying...You know. I make mistakes over and over. No matter how many times, I see myself, drowning like this, I never learn to get up. I don't put myself in action. Next year,I have to have a fit mind for it. I have to stay fi...

Some of my friends are going on a trip. I feel extremely clingy to home. Mainly because my parents are never going to let me go on a trip where I have to stay overnight and where there's guys involved.Or even if. There is no guys involved, only girls, they would still want me not to stay the night.   It is fine because I don't expect they would change for one trip with friends. If I expected, they wouldn't change anyway, resulting a week of depression I would then have to deal with.Thank goodness, I started to accept the way they are. Most parents are alike. If there's any consolation, the one who needs changing, is the society as a whole. We don't have safety, the women. We are brought up by this notion that Men could harm us. In various ways. My cousin sister has called all the way from UAE, my father is video chatting with her. She is studying masters in pharmacy in London, just spending her Christmas vacation home. She's a hard worker. I feel so dumb a...

I have hair mask on. Tonight, I am also gonna wear a face-pack. Just grooming for the annual lunch party at college tomorrow. Me and my sister going. I asked Ankan. She has exam. I thought this could be a reunion. But apparently, she is the only close friend I have from college. And Ann isn't here. So it is just me, my sister and her old friends. Whatever. I just needed an excuse to wear saari and makeup. It's high time I went to a party. Rudzah has gone to her father's house. And nanu is staying at her sister's house for a while. So I've got the room to myself. I like it. I missed this privacy. But also missing my baby niece. I used to snuggle with her. She's so soft. I am just never tired of looking at her eyes. SO CUTE. I die. I am gonna shower. It is almost 7 pm now. I literally have no time sense these days. I woke up at 4.30 pm, then had brunch watching scrubs. Now I am gonna go wash my hair. I am sorry I just can't keep up with the regular time. ...

Dear Blog. Things changed between me and Turtle Dove...I don't know about her, at least I feel it. And fortunately it's a positive change. I came to like her :) She came to visit my niece at my house, we spent time together, we talked, opened up and now I feel like, she could be the person I can be myself with. Had misjudged her few months back. Had doubts in our friendship, now it is clear. She is actually cool. Common grounds. We are crushed on the same guy. This sucks but it's kind of okay since none of us are getting him...Although I sometimes feel if SG mentally connects with anybody in our group, it is her. She covers up her liking for him pretty well. Unlike me. But it is kind of nice. Having someone I can open up to. Be myself again. I missed that since Ankan and Ann. My finals are over. I have got A- on one of my course and B+ on another one. So far, it is bearable. The exams I fucked up had not yet been revealed so the tension is on. I promised myself wh...

finals are over, my cgpa is going to be pretty low this semester. I fucked up maths and eco. It sucks how I was actually looking forward and was almost sure of doing better. I never did so worse. This has so far been a bullshit semester.

Hello Me. It is okay to feel numb. Feelings are mind made illusions. Making you think situations to pain you, convince you- you actually care. It is okay dear if you don't wanna participate. If you just want to be a silent watcher. Listener. Non-sympathizer. We live in a society, where we must. If we go otherwise it won't frame us as normal.The whole concept of the society is, it is collective thinking and stereotyping. It doesn't mean you don't have emotions. You have'em. Feelings are dramatized form of your emotions, you keep em silent. You are like this. You cannot change. It's okay. I accept you. Even when you choose to camouflage. Even when you're not truthful, your heart speaks otherwise. I accept you despite the fact that you once laughed at one's death. You were finally free of the dominance that person held and you've changed since. You laughed because you were shocked. Body is a mysterious thing. You never know the hormones b...

I lost the count how many times I have been telling myself to study. FInals starting this sunday I messed up my marketing presentation went blank. I also lost count how many times I did that while giving presentations. It's like every semester. Sigh.., I kinda suck at everything. Everything. Now it is 3.15 in the morning. I managed to waste that much time doing nothing. So I am here with my coffee and tomorrow is my final. Now for the coffee I had to steal some of my niece's milk powder. Because I couldn't locate ours in the kitchen. I already feel like I am a bad aunt. She is awake tho. I really want to take her in my lap and sit here in the living room and stare at her. It is weird how I can never get tired of her face. She is just...so much peace. I have to do math. I must. So I am starting with a mug full of coffee. I am starting to feel like. This is how I always end up before the exam. With caffeine and writing on my blog I haven't studied anything y...

This week is gonna be brutal on me. One presentation, 2 quizzes, final term paper and home-work !! Then Finals. The thing is this semester went off terribly fast and I have studied comparatively less. My determination was big, but attempt was poor and I wasted most of my time thinking about silly things. Making thought bubbles about things that actually won't matter at the end. I was at Turtle Dove's house today. It was a house warming party. All girls. We had fun. I started to realize. These people now- has become a part of my life and no matter how badly I want to separate myself from them, I can't. I am literally stuck with T.  I can't abandon her. Mainly because, she has always looked out for me, shadowed me, since the first semester. And even if I hate to be with Meanie who is a good friend of T, I can't take separate courses...I can't distance myself from T.Our friendship has come to a point where, we are becoming used to it. And I don't want the ...

I have not cried since. I don't remember. I was doing fine I guess. I wasn't happy but I was fine. I laughed everyday at the class breaks because  Batman is just too funny. And turtle dove was also being nice with me I don't know for what reason, her attention shifted toward me a bit. Maybe because that Sumo hurt her a bit and she needed someone by her side. I was that someone. I kept believing that I wasn't broken, I was fine. Until today. When singer guy kind of  insulted me in front of everyone and all I could do was stare at him shocked and inside of me was cracking. Wrecking my heart. He got mad at me for a silly reason. I am kind of ear sensitive. So what happened was, on the way to the restaurant, Batman shouted something on my ear and I screamed out because I got scared...And it startled everyone. So after we sat for our meal, I was making fun of Batman, I wasn't serious and suddenly singer guy snapped at me out of nowhere. He payed for my meal after, may...

What's sad about Meanie is, he is very lonely. I am lonely myself. But I am close to my family and cousins. I think he has friends, a lot of them but nobody connects with him in an emotional level. And even if they did, it has been for a short amount of time. It is funny how fast a perception of person can change. Before I used to think, he is surrounded. When he talks, he talks highly of himself. Anyone would think him as an arrogant,conceited person. But actually, I think he is very insecure. He needs to cover up for all that. I don't know why turtle dove doesn't see it or maybe pretends to not see it. He has issues. He talks of conversations with his ex friends. Like in detail ....I feel like why do we have to listen to that? Sometimes I feel like all are made up. And he takes pride in his friend's accomplishments which is also weird. Okay I get it you hung out with awesome friends, but now this is your life. And you are stuck with us now. There's no going b...

Went to a family trip yesterday. It felt good going out after what seemed like ages. One significant moment there was when I cought my father crying. We were sitting beside this lake, sipping coffee. Telling my brother and I, one of Tagore's short story- Kabliwala. He said, growing up, he had been fond of it and this story touched his heart.... Trust me, No one can describe a story better than my father. Most people lack it. Emotions. My father is an emotional person. At the end of the story, his voices cracked. And soon I realized, he is smiling to hide the tears in the corner of his eyes. I melted at the sight. How can I ever not listen to this man? How can I ever complain about our house, my limited freedoms to this man? Whose heart is as clear as a crystal. Who never harmed anyone. Even never thought of harming any one. My father who has his own problems, tackles us, works hard to get us a degree so we can have a future. Also tries his hardest to keep his wife happy, takes ...

I want to break stuff I am so mad at myself for losing self respect and acting like a complete stupid person in front him. I don't know what happens to me when he is around. He is intimidating and my brain stops functioning. Why does he have to be so scary?He isn't God. Maybe it's just me. I should actually start befriending him or you know brother zone him for real. He is.... He is like cupcake. Too much sugar, I should stay away. And any guys who find me attractive are vegetables. I should find and try veggies for a while. He has broken up with his girlfriend. I should literally stay away. He isn't his usual self. At all. Like. I rarely see him genuinely smile or talk this and that. He has changed. So quickly. I hate break ups. They're so brutal on men. Men find it hard to move on, especially the men who were loyal the whole relationship. And especially, if the girl is pretty like an angel. I am suffocating. He doesn't even know how much trouble he ca...

Scar. Make it stop. Make it go away. I can't focus on my pathetic life. Stop making me feel like death every night. Oh wait I don't know how it feels to die yet. But I am pretty sure it is silent out there. And dark. Do you have any fucking idea how forgiving I am? I forgive everyone. Every silly or even big and messy  mistakes they make. But when it comes to forgiving myself, I am left with self-loathing and blunt accusations. Scar. I give myself a hard time. I worry myself to bed. I sleep to wake up with the same feeling. It never goes away.  Am I ever going to meet him who would make me feel complete and not like a missing electron? Scar. You don't pay me any rent why am I even letting you settle beneath my skin? Leave me, Scar. Just leave me be.

I don't have any clue what are we. Friends? Or awkward acquaintances? He talked to me today after what felt like eternity. He said, to give him time, he will come back at me. To bully me. I am not sure yet. I still have feelings left, I still am shy around him. I behave like I don't cringe when he calls me sis. I wish he hadn't called me that. It is weird. I am not that close to him. We don't speak much for god's sake. I am not even sure us being "friends" anymore. He's been mute for like a month maybe. I'd been ignoring him...Now today out of nowhere. He speaks to me again. This is weird.

Got all depressed again. Slept for about fifteen hours straight and didn't shower. I currently am deprived of the inspiration to study, to even live in this small space. I wish I could go somewhere to breathe. To exit this reality for a bit. Tired of being a failure to my parents, to me. Just tired.

Trump won. Everybody's pissed off about it. Well not the Americans, who voted him. I care less about America. We have big enough problems in my country, so Trump winning this election doesn't bother me much. Dr. Strange. My plan tomorrow. Not so excited about it tho. These days, I feel like curling up in my couch and watch movies or just study just be alone and stay away from gossips. I don't like the people I hang out with anymore. Nobody is stable. Singer guy is kind of mute these days, cares less about everyone, Meanie is mean to me as usual, Turtle dove is nice, but she bitches about people a lot. and I don't think we are much fun when we're together. I don't think we click you know? She could never be my best friend. She doesn't understand me. I understand her but don't act as much. So. I am shocked at how everything is changing. Right after we came back from Tarc, we were like- "We will take the same courses, stick together as a group....

Apparently I am the only one doing Math class today. Turtle Dove and Meanie ditching the class...T has excuse,she's feverish but for some weird reason, I feel like she's gone home so early because B didn't stay after class. B has a crush on her. I bet she likes the fact that he has a crush on her, she keeps him occupied with texts and hangs out with him often of course not alone, she says she's not crushed on him, looks at him as a brother which he knows a bit. But I feel like she enjoys the fact that she is admired. I mean who wouldn't? If I found out someone was crushing on me, I would be pretty happy about it. Anyway, not my place to judge...So my class gonna start in couple of mins. I have to leave. I am in the lab right now. I like solitary moments when Meanie isn't there to speak lame jokes and laugh by himself, when T isn't there to be just there with me because I am not fun. So what, I am gonna be fashionably late to class. I feel like comput...

Batman(Nick name)  told me to depend on no one and be myself. Apparently everybody has a say in what I should be and should be not. I guess it is my fault. I let people. I inherently make them feel superior to me and make them feel comfortable saying anything to me, not caring a bit about my self esteem. Do I have even a little bit of that in me? I don't think I show it much. I am not mad at Batman or anything. He means no harm. He is very cool. But I just...could not wince at the text I read. I realized...I kept myself hidden. I kept my worth silent. I made everyone feel invincible around me yet I felt like I don't even exist as a person.Since I was a kid. Since my brain started functioning, it only knew one thing- let everyone walk over you. And I did it. I made myself so small in front of everyone.Life isn't an easy one. When you finally think you don't need to prove your worth, someone walks in and challenges your guts... Turtle dove said to me that day- How I ma...

Lesson of the day: I can trust nobody. Except the person that has never betrayed me, that I can tell secrets to and he/she will take it to their grave. I have found that person in life thankfully, and she is my cousin sister. This isn't the point. SO today I kind of let Turtle dove down by spilling something to Sumo. I shouldn't have, but I don't know, something about Sumo. Her manipulative skills took it over from me. And I should have known, she would ask Turtle Dove about this matter. And T will get upset with me. I don't think T will ever tell me secrets anymore. We patched up after. Mainly because, our friendship isn't that old to hold grudges against each other. I don't think she  considers me as a friend- like the bestie kind. Always had doubts on our friendship, maybe it's just me. This is the first time she ever told me a secret and I let that out. Not so loyal of me I know....But I didn't let the matter completely out, I basically, gave ...

I don't look forward to going classes anymore. Mainly because, I have to see his crumbling face.Forcing a smile now and then. Never saying hi to me. I don't feel like I exist to him anymore. Maybe I was just some friend he liked to tease when he used to be in good moods. Now I am just a no one. I hate seeing him like this. SO I tell at home the exact time my classes are over so that I don't have to hang out with them, him being there, looking like the world has fallen apart. I know exactly how he's feeling right now. Actually no. It would be wrong to say that. I don't exactly know what's he's going through. But I can say, he is feeling like he will never love someone like the way he loved her. Since the first day, he was sure of it, she being the one. But it is so wrong to waste such love like that. Who said You can't fall in love twice and thrice? There's no hard and fast rule. Well who am I kidding. I don't know a single thing about love...

Mid week has come to an end. Ah. I can finally rest my head on pillow now. But I did a silly mistake on exam script today! Was too much confident about my potentials in Accounting. Damn it! I can bet everybody got that right except me. Ugh. That's terrible. He deactivated his account on fb. His ex has not. It feels so weird calling her his ex. Geez. I had been stalking them way too much. Before I was like- they're so perfect. No one can come between their relationship...blah blah blah. Now. Those are myths. I am sad for him. She is doing great I guess. My niece is the most adorable thing to come home to! She's such a cutie! I take her in my lap and she smiles sometimes....I don't know how I am going to do without her...It's like every once in a while, I have to sniff her soft hair and kiss her knuckles. This is just my everyday ritual now. How can a person be this adorable? My skin has turned into a havoc. I got acne again, and the spots. They're getting ...

I heard they broke up. Nothing is the same about him. He is so...quiet. And suddenly so cold. Like he does not say hi to anybody or have a conversation. This is so brutal on him. I can't see him like this. He didn't tease me like he used to. He didn't laugh at me. Nor played the shadow game just to make me hear how annoying I sound. I know this isn't about me but I just can't bear the fact that he is hurt inside. He has been betrayed by the girl he loved and still loves so passionately. I also heard things about her. Things that he might not know. I heard she'd been having second thoughts about him and almost dated someone. All has been heard that, people in her class didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I know this isn't my place to judge but she made herself look available to other guys. This is disgusting. If she wasn't committed to singer guy she should have told him about it sooner, just a message saying I don't love you anymore isn...

I feel better now. I feel like shit during weekends. When classes start, I get busy and channel my depression into something so I don't feel like harming myself. It gets really bad when I feel down these days. I don't know. Before it was easy. I used to get busy with books or just watch youtube videos, listen to songs or watch a movie or something. These days, when I feel down, I sleep for abnormal hours and when I wake up I feel like shit. I feel like cutting some skin. Never done self harm. But these days I crave it. Maybe it's just that...I am not happy with myself at all. I am not happy with slow progress, small successes. I want to do better. I want everyone to recognize me, to truly know me. And I know, I don't work as much to want that in life. I have still got a lot of room for improvement. It is about priorities. I sometimes ignore the fact that- studying should be my number one priority right now. I ditch classes sometimes, just because Turtle dove did s...

Everything sucks except the fact that I have a baby in the house. I get hypnotized just staring at her. So innocent. So pure. I want to leave everything, everyone.  I want to be alone, talk to nobody. Sick and tired of being reminded to study, to eat, to shower, to wake up. My parents,grandma, literally everyone in the house are doing that to me. Why can't they just let me be. I don't know why I am suffering. I crave to be alone. Crawl into a black dark tunnel and just stay there forever. I didn't wanna wake up today. My dad threatened me that he would beat me up if I didn't. Now I am hating every moment I am awake. I hate the fact that I have mid on sunday and I haven't studied a bit. I hate the fact that I am not doing the way I should in life. I want to find some tranquility. I seek for patience. I yet don't know how to stop this ache. It's not that there is no reason feeling like this. There is. My house is full of people. And I want to be alo...

it is hurting. I can't forget him. It is getting worse each day. And I am tired of not being wanted.  I hate this feeling...I am in pain right now. I try diverting my thoughts into sleep, into studying but he keeps coming back. I wish we were good friends. Then I would have told him about how I feel and we would laugh it off and I would feel better at least letting it out. I like him. a lott. At to the point where it is almost being impossible for me to keep it in. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell him the truth that I hide whenever I see him. But I flush and I become mute.Every time. Does it ever end? Does it ever end feeling unwanted by someone you want so bad? So bad in your life that you regret every moment he isn't there? I want to put an end to this. I have to somehow eventually. It is killing me inside. 

Happy to report you that October 17, my niece came into this world. She is so cute MASHALLAH. I can't wait to cuddle her. They are settling on a name-Roudza, meaning garden in paradise. I wish I could write more about her but I have mid tomorrow so BYE. I am darn happy being an aunt. :))

Okay, blog, too much to share today. Firstly, My sister's delivery is tomorrow and I can't sleep, my mom can't sleep. Excitement. Tension. I am gonna be an aunt!! Isn't that great? So basically I spent the whole evening, brooding over the concept of LOVE. Browsing to Youtube was the stupidest idea. I found out about Colleen and Joshua having divorce. And I watched both of their videos. Both of their claims. Colleen is divorcing Joshua. Joshua still wants to work things out. They both cried in their individual videos. Okay if you don't know them, side information, they are youtubers, Colleen plays a character called Miranda Sings. And okay they got married last year in June, uploaded an amazing video of their wedding, if you watch it you will restore faith in love. And what just happened. Separation. I felt so bad watching Joshua, he was heartbroken. I am losing faith in love now. Really. Rest in peace all my favorite Rom-Coms and classic romantic novels. I am ...

I have just seen one side of the story. And I thought it to be so perfect! He made me believe in love. Seriously. I almost believed that, the one you are happy being with at present, will last in your future. But not everybody's story ends with a happy ending. I just heard the bizarre thing today. The singer guy is having trouble with his girlfriend. I hope they work things out because even though I like him a lot, I never wanted anything bad happening to their relationship. I wish him to be happy and she makes him happy. She looks like an angel. And she is intelligent plus beautiful. If I were a guy I would be falling hard too. Well I don't know everything about them, I just have seen some pictures, some captions and heard some stories and it made believe they're made for each other. It made me believe they're both happy in love. I even imagined them getting married in future, having kids and stuffs...And maybe I am getting so invested on this couple because...I...

We are waiting for a baby to come to this world. My sister's baby girl. Any day now. I can't wait to take her in my lap and hold her tiny little fingers and kiss her soft baby knuckles. I don't know what's with me and baby fingers and toes. I just love how tiny they are!  My sis is getting impatient, normal for a mother. I just hope everything goes well. I have two quizzes this sunday. Then one homework I haven't even lay my eyes on yet. Then I have Math mid. This week is going to be heavy on me. I guess I have to push myself more, I am not studying in the pressure I should be. Distractions. Internet. I wish to forget him. Really wish it. For some reason, everyday, the thought of him visits my head and I just can't help it. He is studying hard I can tell. He is rarely online on group chats. I have been frequently online. I don't know I hate weekends now. I crave to see him. Only class days allow me that/ I am a pathetic woman. I really should stop obses...

I feel nothing. I have started to  understand everything that there is, is temporary. The concept of Forever is a lie. Everything is so short and beautiful. Shortly after the rain, the sky clears out and you see the sun.  

Nobody knew what she hid underneath her smile. Smile that won hearts and flowers and compliments and shower of affection and gave her edge to other pretty girls. Underneath that smile lied her sorrows. Her heart broken apart like stars in the space. Her mind played puzzles, kept them unsolved. And she. She learned the hardest way the universal language of hiding pain. Making the corners of her mouth turn up in an expression that showed happiness, amusement, pleasure while inside her head everything was Topsy-turvy. 

Okay. I have to clear my head for a bit. Maybe because, I just came up here, after watching a romantic film and realized I would find no one even close to Ashton Kutcher in life and maybe because I am late, maybe this is just hormones speaking. I am so disappointed at him. And equally disgusted. SO this guy I have told you about. Back in...well residential semester, he was throwing me pickup lines and it wasn't just him, maybe I was too easy to please. I got delusional and maybe even thought about....Oh thank god I didn't. So after this whole delusions and assumptions, the magic was gone. I avoided him...Maybe I sensed something wrong and then it was just chats, no face to face talks. But I always had this "Am I being flirty?" Alert in the back of my head. And maybe yes, I was trying to understand this foreign language how to converse with opposite sex. I had shown him interest and I am so not proud of it now. I know this was just going nowhere. But...here's...

They think getting high is cool. Like it is something worth doing in life at least for once. Okay maybe, when you're bored af, this decision might sound worthy and you might just want to fall into the crowd. Blame on the western Tv shows. They make it sound so cool. Even Sherlock got high. Ross used to smoke pot in his room. Why I don't like my friends smoking or doing any kind of drugs? They think trying new things is youthful and adventurous but harming your lungs like that....Nothing can be fun when you're sick...They have potentials. I hate to see them wasting it just like that. I don't know why I care and judge but I just....It is so unfair.  I am not a cancer patient but things like this get me. Life is a gift. There are people in the world dying for one good heart/lungs/liver/kidney. I hate to compare but it's true. Pathetic what people do to blend in. I don't think it's cool. I don't think any of this is cool. And if only I could stop them...

A point. Everything starts from that point. Yes, there has to be a point. From where a person grows. Or crumbles. When you make it to that point- it is yours to decide. The path you choose shapes your destiny. When people say, God works in mysterious ways...They don't mean it by saying the process which God chooses to work is obscure or something beyond your knowing.  He chooses what is meant to happen. And when it happens. You declare frustration. You give up thinking that you are the victim here. But soon as you accept it, make your way through it, you sort through the puzzle- reaching to the ultimate result of satisfaction- What happened was meant to be. It was bound to be. And God knew all along. It was you who had taken the time to process it. You needed Him to break it down for you. The destiny that we're given are bound to happen. Now come back to the point where it is yours to decide. Yours to choose. Now society will make it obvious for you. Work hard. G...

Dear B, Wifi is the devil. It keeps me awake. I could have been sleeping now. I picked up a new and normal pattern of sleeping, though not so sure of it being sustainable. It is 1.14 am now, and I will in half an hour force myself to bed because that is the only way I know now keeps me calm, in the morning, at classes. I don't know why I had to get emotionally invested in everything. Who's dating who, or who's judging me and what not. I have started( It has been what? 3 days since? I feel like I've been through a lot lol) Yes I have started to ignore every person that made me feel shittier that day. I spoke to singer guy only when it was necessary, he casts me unfriendly stares and I can 100 percent bet on how he underestimates my abilities and that's like a story I am not in the mood to tell you. You know one thing- When you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone, just absolutely and utterly walk away. I no longer hold any grudges against them/him....

I thought I was happy. I thought I was finally happy with the people I am with now. When Meanie said " Nobody gives shit about you. " I kind of believed it. When I looked at Turtle Dove and she was shaking her head saying no she did care for me, He said she pretends . And damn he is right. I know she pretends to care for me. She feels sorry for me. I guess I've seen it coming. I don't fight back when they say mean things to me. I always keep quiet and take it all in. But when I got home today, I couldn't take it anymore, I cried like a child. Nobody has ever made me feel so small , so alone. Have I told you about the guy who used to call me cute, every time I did something...cute? He doesn't anymore. He introduced us today, the girl he is now dating. She is pretty. Seeing her, I felt...so vague about everything. Last semester, I forced myself for something that wasn't there. How pathetic. Seeing them together, didn't pain me, what pained me ...

I think I haven't shared this information, probably I forgot. Ankan called. The night before Eid-ul-adha. I was shocked really, hearing her voice after so long. Nobody calls on my TNT, so when my dad told me somebody was on the line for me, I was blank and felt foreign holding the receiver. Then She said hello. My long "lost" friend. Should I say that? We are just in separate universities, not keeping in touch. She isn't lost. Neither have I. She had been my best friend. I thought about her, whenever something reminded me of her. Like the phrase-"Shob E Allahr Iccha." Whenever I heard someone saying it, I remembered her mocking, I remembered I had a friend who used to say that a lot. I remembered someone who were always being frank with me, no matter how bitter the truth was. I remembered my sarcastic, intelligent not so good looking friend. She studies in Dhaka University now in Journalism. She was so good at Accounting. Yet she chose this subject. But...

I have quizzes next week back to back and I am just procrastinating and taking naps. Not sure how to start tho. Turtle dove looks serious this semester. She is going to do great I guess. Honestly I am a mess right now. My parents and grandma are upset with me. They say, I am the problematic child in the family. I don't sleep in time, eat in time nor do I study. True tho. I have waken up at 6pm today, skipped one medicine and breakfast for that matter, just was done with my lunch and went back to sleep again. My sister has an infection. If it's type B it could affect the baby. We are really worried about her. I really hope she gets well and it's her first baby, I don't want her life to get miserable. It's just that nothing comes so easy... God has to make things complicated for us, humans. God has to give us emotions so our feelings get hurt. God has to create this life only too short and beautiful to live. I should really start studying. This semester I have...

Dear B. It is 4 in the morning. The reason that I am awake. My accounting homework. And also that I have to write to you. Today, meaning reverse back to let's say 16 hours... One of my friend's birthday was today. She is quite popular among us. So we ordered a fancy cake, collecting money from everyone and we bunked our Eco class. I am so not proud of that. Here at my house my parents were thinking I was in the class, making notes, trying hard and there I was actually blowing balloons and hanging out at the cafe. I felt bad. And I promise I will never do this again. Anyway, so as I had planned before, like on previous post I will completely ignore him, I did. The other day. I didn't look at him. The singer guy. We didn't talk. Like he said maybe one or two words to me. Then again, I somehow managed to accuse him of making my bag all drenched in water. When I asked him about it he was bemused at how much I judge his character to be. He didn't take it well. All...

Mini accomplishments so far? My mom didn't let me sleep today for crazy hours as we had a house party to attend to. So yeah right now I am feeling all dizzy and sleepy. Organized my closet last night, helps when I am bored. AF. Oh and I have a bad cough. My voice cracking. Not sure how I feel about it. I've become sort of addicted to the thought of him. Each day passes, and I crave to see him or stalk his profile. Not a healthy situation. My classes gonna start from the day after tomorrow. I don't know, have become sorta attention seeker lately. He is not giving me any notification on  fb so I feel kinda...ignored. Geez. I am so desperate for his attention. I am loathing myself right now. God. Help. Please free me from this terrible choice of one way love. I am getting sick of this. It is a pain. I wish I could use all this energy onto someone who will take it. Such a waste on him. I have to gain more self-esteem. I have to do all the classy lady shit. The day a...

Hey B. Woke up at 5 pm today...Slept at 6am. That exceeds ten hours of sleep. I've grown custom to this abnormal routine. My attempt to wake up in the mornings has come to a bottomless pit. I just can't. I don't know. Maybe I am not that determined. But this is it. I should stop this thing. My grandma is coming this monday. And with her being in the house, I can't oversleep or stay awake at night. All my privacy will be hampered. All my freedoms would be cut down. Before that I have to get out from this reversed sleep cycle. Or I will struggle to be here at my own house. My habits I have to change before it is too late. I am not proud of who I am. I never was. Big dreams ahead. Not statistically planned but god they're unreal. For me. I am not a hard worker. I have to go abroad in four years time, I have to. After I graduate I have to make sure I am not sitting around. Have to make sure I am not jobless. But look at me, I don't read newspaper I don't ...

Dear B. Done with Eid. Now having coke and chilling. Beverage of course, cocacolla. Woke at 2pm today so I'll let you wonder how the day went. Feeling blue all of a sudden. That boy I've been obsessing over, his profile picture just popped up in my newsfeed. First thing I saw when I logged in. I don't know maybe it's God's cruel way of telling me how much I want someone I can't have. He is a social butterfly, if that's the right word for him. He has so many people lined up for him (just a blind guess), always commenting on his pictures, most people that comment are hopeless females, although not quite sure if they're hopeless, they're just good friends, I AM NOT EVEN THAT! I am no one in his life. Like really. It's kinda sad. It is also kinda sad that his girlfriend never comments. Like in old pictures, she had but on the recent ones I've never seen a comment. That's just I don't know, rude maybe? If he were my boyfriend, I w...

Heya B. So tomorrow's Eid day. Again, no excitements whatsoever. I just watched It's a boy girl thing a while ago, now I am on my face-pack. Writing to you. Correction. Typing to you. So there's this story in my head, I forgot to tell you before but watching this movie kind of drawn back the memory of it. I've heard it from Nabs and I think it's kinda funny and it's actually happened.Okay on to it now...! So last semester, you know I stayed outta home for three months, it's a thing in our uni, every student has to do this semester in this uni. So there's this super-attendant guy whom we used to make fun of. He is weirdly  strict about everything. He told us all the rules and all, nobody used to like his boring talks. SO one morning when  Nabs was having breakfast she saw him at another table. Everything was going normal (oh my god, I almost laughed, my face is tightening up with the stuff I put on, I shouldn't laugh) absolutely normal just u...

Dear B. I was doing absolutely okay until I heard his voice. His song. Someone recorded him singing way back in july and sent it to our group chat. The moment I heard his voice against my ears in headphones, I realized what trouble I am in. A big trouble. I am madly falling in love with him. I couldn't stop listening to it...I don't know for hours maybe I kept it ringing in my ear, until my phone battery went to eight percent I stopped and stalked his profile pictures. The latest pictures had captions. He wrote them...So nicely. His use of vocab was on point. I like that photo of his two friends, caption mainly, in that photo one of his friend is sitting on another of his friend and the caption was somewhat like one was his life's FIRST friend. The other is that one person who can never be replaced, knows everything about him, his deepest darkest secrets. I have seen this picture before even I met him. He was in my class first semester but we didn't exchange a wor...