Everly

 Dear B, I don't know if this is how it feels to have a mid-life crisis.  Some days I feel like taking drastic steps to change my life, i.e colour my hair or cut it super short or leave the job and aim for something better and some days I'm stuck to the normal boring routine of sleeping, eating, going work and repeat.  I wonder when my life stopped being joyful or like full of things I once cared about.  My life now consists of my husband and I. We are not having kids, at least for near future. Having a baby is like not even the last thing in our minds. So here we are; just the two of us. Don't get me wrong, I love waking beside him and I cherish our moments together but sometimes, I feel like my life needs more than just the two of us. Like a purpose maybe, something that will drive me to do better and make more money I guess...I love traveling with him to places. Once we have our financials on check, we can save some money to travel. I do need to get my passport fr...

 Hi B,  I'm okay.  I want to believe I am.  Oh my brother's getting married next month.  He is having the reception in January. I am not too pumped to go back to attend though. I don't know it just stresses me out.  I have to ask for leave from work and currently they're understaffed. I'm not sure they will give me a soon enough decision and by the time the ticket prices will be crazy.  I don't know, will see.  Recently, I've been feeling sort of repulsed by my family. I feel like the person they used to know has been long gone. I feel like I'm not how I used to be. I'm different and they don't have the room to accommodate the newer version of me.  I'm seeing a therapist. I just had 2 sessions. I don't know if it's helping. I do feel kinda lost right now. There are things I want to do but I can't make myself do it. However, I've been making a little progress. I started exercising every day, which has been making me feel better...

 Hi B, I've been really anxious lately. I am not sure why I feel so mentally drained. Even after sleep, I feel exhausted...I had been overworking and not eating right.  Last weekend I was getting high on weed with two of my friends and something really horrifying happened. I was having a bad trip. I went into a panic attack.  Last night me and my husband had a ugly fight over moving into a new place ( I want to move and he wants me to focus on my career instead, which threw me off a little) and then I went into this repetitive mind racing thoughts and started weeping, I had a hard time breathing and eventually he calm me down. I've had hard times before but this two episodes kind of shook me. I thought my anxiety has been manageable before but after this I feel like it can be bigger than my control and maybe I need help? My husband gave me a number to contact for some free therapy sessions. I haven't gotten into it yet but I've thinking to get some help.  When distre...

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.

 I turned 30 yesterday. It kind of feels surreal. Though nothing has changed, it’s just a number I now call myself. I didn’t celebrate. I came back from Bangladesh yesterday and pretty much spent it on plane. I am also very jetlagged. I expected my husband would plan something but he was also exhausted. We went to his friend’s kid’s birthday and that was pretty much it.  I’m going home now on a train. My husband is staying back at his friend’s house as his leaves aren’t over. I will start work from tomorrow. So I am going home and as I sit in silence on a 5 hour train ride home, I can’t help but feel some kind of gloom. My trip back home went so fast. My heart was full seeing my family. However, I felt this sadness seeing my parent’s faces. They are old now. I didn’t spend much time with them though. I spent most times with my friends and my husband’s friends. I don’t know part of the reason might be I felt too sad looking at them and my brother who are all stuck in one place....

 Dear B,  2026 starts, we are already a month down.  Life's been kind of passing by.  I got a copper IUD recently. The procedure was quick but so painful. Now I'm okay. I still will have to be cautious. Here's to no more unplanned pregnancies! My job has been kind of meh. I should look for new jobs now actually now that I have some experience. The pay is not worth it. Don't get me wrong though I am super grateful for having a job 5 days a week. It is just that I have to push myself for the better. My husband has been kind enough to pay all the bills and with my money I only can afford some shopping here and there and a bit of groceries. He is actually doing a lot I give him credit for. I am super grateful but I have to stop being so comfortable and stuck.  Second time, I got assaulted by another homeless or I am not sure if he was actually a homeless. I was just crossing the road and my hands were occupied with grocery bags. This man just freaking punched me in ...