Batman(Nick name) told me to depend on no one and be myself. Apparently everybody has a say in what I should be and should be not. I guess it is my fault. I let people. I inherently make them feel superior to me and make them feel comfortable saying anything to me, not caring a bit about my self esteem. Do I have even a little bit of that in me? I don't think I show it much. I am not mad at Batman or anything. He means no harm. He is very cool. But I just...could not wince at the text I read. I realized...I kept myself hidden. I kept my worth silent. I made everyone feel invincible around me yet I felt like I don't even exist as a person.Since I was a kid. Since my brain started functioning, it only knew one thing- let everyone walk over you. And I did it. I made myself so small in front of everyone.Life isn't an easy one. When you finally think you don't need to prove your worth, someone walks in and challenges your guts...
Turtle dove said to me that day- How I manage to be happy all the time? and Why don't I need anyone to make me happy?
You know what I felt like when she asked me these questions?
I felt like saying- "Well, if that's what you think of me, then you don't know me too well."
Instead I said-"Self-sufficient. And by the way, I am not happy, I might look happy but I am not."
She asked again-"How do you pretend so well then?"
I don't pretend. When I am around people I keep myself present instead of thinking about how unhappy I am inside. How lonely I feel. Despite being around friends. This is not pretending. This is called living. Even if you have thousand things in your life going wrong, you cannot just sit at the corner, brood over it or let people assume you have fallen apart. Even when you're angry at your own life situations you cannot just get over it by yelling at someone else. This may work to make you feel better for a fraction of a moment- but it won't make things any better.
Singer guy stared and smiled at me couple of times that day. A slight improvement. I thought he had fallen apart completely. Felt good after seeing the slight of his old playful self. I heard he cried once he was high last week and he was asking his friend how would he get over her. I felt so sorry for him. But the second day I kind of ignored him, like really ignored him...Didn't sit with that group. I sat with people normally I don't hang out with. Batman was there tho. Turtle dove was also there after a moment. I don't know, I felt like not talking to him yet. I don't know what to say. He doesn't bully me anymore, he keeps quiet, sometimes flashes a smile, asks me nothing. I feel awkward. So I ignored him. Not so mature I know.
Turtle dove said to me that day- How I manage to be happy all the time? and Why don't I need anyone to make me happy?
You know what I felt like when she asked me these questions?
I felt like saying- "Well, if that's what you think of me, then you don't know me too well."
Instead I said-"Self-sufficient. And by the way, I am not happy, I might look happy but I am not."
She asked again-"How do you pretend so well then?"
I don't pretend. When I am around people I keep myself present instead of thinking about how unhappy I am inside. How lonely I feel. Despite being around friends. This is not pretending. This is called living. Even if you have thousand things in your life going wrong, you cannot just sit at the corner, brood over it or let people assume you have fallen apart. Even when you're angry at your own life situations you cannot just get over it by yelling at someone else. This may work to make you feel better for a fraction of a moment- but it won't make things any better.
Singer guy stared and smiled at me couple of times that day. A slight improvement. I thought he had fallen apart completely. Felt good after seeing the slight of his old playful self. I heard he cried once he was high last week and he was asking his friend how would he get over her. I felt so sorry for him. But the second day I kind of ignored him, like really ignored him...Didn't sit with that group. I sat with people normally I don't hang out with. Batman was there tho. Turtle dove was also there after a moment. I don't know, I felt like not talking to him yet. I don't know what to say. He doesn't bully me anymore, he keeps quiet, sometimes flashes a smile, asks me nothing. I feel awkward. So I ignored him. Not so mature I know.
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