Dear B,
Wifi is the devil. It keeps me awake. I could have been sleeping now. I picked up a new and normal pattern of sleeping, though not so sure of it being sustainable. It is 1.14 am now, and I will in half an hour force myself to bed because that is the only way I know now keeps me calm, in the morning, at classes.
I don't know why I had to get emotionally invested in everything. Who's dating who, or who's judging me and what not. I have started( It has been what? 3 days since? I feel like I've been through a lot lol) Yes I have started to ignore every person that made me feel shittier that day. I spoke to singer guy only when it was necessary, he casts me unfriendly stares and I can 100 percent bet on how he underestimates my abilities and that's like a story I am not in the mood to tell you. You know one thing- When you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone, just absolutely and utterly walk away. I no longer hold any grudges against them/him. I just act like I don't bother what they think of me anymore. That made me look a little- umm...quiet person, but it's okay because I still talk to those people who make me laugh and feel like it is worth ignoring who don't.
Priorities. I have to follow on that.
So last Sunday, we went to this art exhibition, all together and it felt good, I got home after seven pm and my dad had to pick me up where Nabs dropped me as I had to take a lift = our driver wasn't available don't know why I am giving you so much detail. Anyway, so those ten mins way to my home, I walked with my father and I don't know for some reason he held my hand so tight, like clasping it almost and I felt so safe. I felt like nothing can harm me, sadden me as long as I have my father by my side, guiding me through the darkness.
I've been underestimated by my male friends, quite often I find them teasing how immature I act sometimes, How I belong not here, how in future I will get tricked by employees and be scolded by my boss. They might not say this things and mean it but god what those words do to my head. I feel like proving them wrong, working hard on myself, and I feel so small when they everyday taunt me about how I am...not mature and outspoken. My insecurities haunt me every second I live, I am awake but when I am pointed out something is wrong about me, I get more panicked about myself, my future and everything just starts to....fall into depression.
But you know what? I am not going to waste my precious weeks on things that won't matter ahead. I have to overlook this silly and stupid words they speak and think about me. I have to wake up strong and prove them all wrong. So yeah, I am quite okay right now.No time for shedding tears just like that.
Thanks to someone for making me realize this.
Wifi is the devil. It keeps me awake. I could have been sleeping now. I picked up a new and normal pattern of sleeping, though not so sure of it being sustainable. It is 1.14 am now, and I will in half an hour force myself to bed because that is the only way I know now keeps me calm, in the morning, at classes.
I don't know why I had to get emotionally invested in everything. Who's dating who, or who's judging me and what not. I have started( It has been what? 3 days since? I feel like I've been through a lot lol) Yes I have started to ignore every person that made me feel shittier that day. I spoke to singer guy only when it was necessary, he casts me unfriendly stares and I can 100 percent bet on how he underestimates my abilities and that's like a story I am not in the mood to tell you. You know one thing- When you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone, just absolutely and utterly walk away. I no longer hold any grudges against them/him. I just act like I don't bother what they think of me anymore. That made me look a little- umm...quiet person, but it's okay because I still talk to those people who make me laugh and feel like it is worth ignoring who don't.
Priorities. I have to follow on that.
So last Sunday, we went to this art exhibition, all together and it felt good, I got home after seven pm and my dad had to pick me up where Nabs dropped me as I had to take a lift = our driver wasn't available don't know why I am giving you so much detail. Anyway, so those ten mins way to my home, I walked with my father and I don't know for some reason he held my hand so tight, like clasping it almost and I felt so safe. I felt like nothing can harm me, sadden me as long as I have my father by my side, guiding me through the darkness.
I've been underestimated by my male friends, quite often I find them teasing how immature I act sometimes, How I belong not here, how in future I will get tricked by employees and be scolded by my boss. They might not say this things and mean it but god what those words do to my head. I feel like proving them wrong, working hard on myself, and I feel so small when they everyday taunt me about how I am...not mature and outspoken. My insecurities haunt me every second I live, I am awake but when I am pointed out something is wrong about me, I get more panicked about myself, my future and everything just starts to....fall into depression.
But you know what? I am not going to waste my precious weeks on things that won't matter ahead. I have to overlook this silly and stupid words they speak and think about me. I have to wake up strong and prove them all wrong. So yeah, I am quite okay right now.No time for shedding tears just like that.
Thanks to someone for making me realize this.
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