I thought I was happy.
I thought I was finally happy with the people I am with now.
When Meanie said "Nobody gives shit about you." I kind of believed it.
When I looked at Turtle Dove and she was shaking her head saying no she did care for me, He said she pretends. And damn he is right. I know she pretends to care for me. She feels sorry for me.
I guess I've seen it coming. I don't fight back when they say mean things to me. I always keep quiet and take it all in. But when I got home today, I couldn't take it anymore, I cried like a child. Nobody has ever made me feel so small, so alone.
Have I told you about the guy who used to call me cute, every time I did something...cute? He doesn't anymore. He introduced us today, the girl he is now dating. She is pretty. Seeing her, I felt...so vague about everything. Last semester, I forced myself for something that wasn't there. How pathetic. Seeing them together, didn't pain me, what pained me was, I actually thought of pretending I cared for him back at the residential semester...Thank God, we both realized it wasn't going to work out before anything happened. He was seeking a girlfriend like a lost puppy. Nice seeing him finally settle up on a date today. I think he felt sorry for me a little, he was like introducing me to this other guy, his friend (I already know him, like never said hi but we co-exist in the group) and I flashed him a sly stupid smile giving him the look that- you don't have to do that, I am fine.
There's this few people who upset me today. Meanie, Ash and the singer guy. Meanie hurts me most with the comments he makes. And Ash just doesn't know how mean he sounds, I don't blame him for that. The singer guy, looks down at me, underestimates me and judges me like no other. I don't get it. I wish I could tell him that- You don't know me enough to say these things. But I keep staring at him, hopeless, mute. I don't know why I respect him so much. I treat him like he is superior when he is the same semester as I am. I treat him too good. My problem not his.
They say I am not capable of building a career for myself. They pick on my worst insecurities. You know what sucks? I care, I care a lot. Even when I know me being there don't make much difference, I still be there. I hate being seen without friends. So when turtle dove left early, I went to the computer lab alone and two of the people I know found me and said hello, I said hello and waited for my dad to pick me up. I felt like the loneliest person on earth. I saw everyone, each and everyone having someone by their side and I had no one. They looked like they had it together and I was the one desperate and clueless about my life. And even when I am surrounded by tons of people I feel so sad and want to get out. I feel like a misfit. My friends, they make me feel like something is wrong with me, I am an alien or something.
When I got home, I messed up my mascara with stupid tears. They say, tears are for attention. I crave it sometimes. In days like this. When you feel like shit on a stick. It has happened before, I've been picked on several times, but I didn't feel so bad like I felt today.
I say every little detail to my parents when I feel bad. When I feel sick. When something goes wrong in my life. But I haven't told any of this. I am a grownup now, I keep my tears secret. I act like I am all bubbly and happy in front of them. They have been through a lot because of me. I have failed them couple of times. I can't add up anymore. All I can do is do good in my academic result and make them proud. That's all there is, really. These friends won't stick long. And Meanie was right. Nobody gives a shit about me. I'd like to add. Nobody gives a shit about anyone. Only your parents are the true things you've got. And you know what? I don't need anyone's approval, disapproval of who I am, how I am. I came here to have a degree, and I will make sure I'd be successful on that. Because in the end. People who would actually matter to me are my parents.
It's bizarre how Meanie, the one who dropped out of IBA, told me I had a bad CGPA. Like, he hadn't messed up ever. He is studying here after getting kicked out of the best business school, lost two years to his academic, now doing the same things twice and he is the one giving me hard time. I thought when people go through a shitty phase of life, they learn something, they become kind. He learned nothing. I don't know what Turtle dove sees in him.
I have an average CGPA, but that is recoverable. So his opinion doesn't matter to me at all.
I thought I was finally happy with the people I am with now.
When Meanie said "Nobody gives shit about you." I kind of believed it.
When I looked at Turtle Dove and she was shaking her head saying no she did care for me, He said she pretends. And damn he is right. I know she pretends to care for me. She feels sorry for me.
I guess I've seen it coming. I don't fight back when they say mean things to me. I always keep quiet and take it all in. But when I got home today, I couldn't take it anymore, I cried like a child. Nobody has ever made me feel so small, so alone.
Have I told you about the guy who used to call me cute, every time I did something...cute? He doesn't anymore. He introduced us today, the girl he is now dating. She is pretty. Seeing her, I felt...so vague about everything. Last semester, I forced myself for something that wasn't there. How pathetic. Seeing them together, didn't pain me, what pained me was, I actually thought of pretending I cared for him back at the residential semester...Thank God, we both realized it wasn't going to work out before anything happened. He was seeking a girlfriend like a lost puppy. Nice seeing him finally settle up on a date today. I think he felt sorry for me a little, he was like introducing me to this other guy, his friend (I already know him, like never said hi but we co-exist in the group) and I flashed him a sly stupid smile giving him the look that- you don't have to do that, I am fine.
There's this few people who upset me today. Meanie, Ash and the singer guy. Meanie hurts me most with the comments he makes. And Ash just doesn't know how mean he sounds, I don't blame him for that. The singer guy, looks down at me, underestimates me and judges me like no other. I don't get it. I wish I could tell him that- You don't know me enough to say these things. But I keep staring at him, hopeless, mute. I don't know why I respect him so much. I treat him like he is superior when he is the same semester as I am. I treat him too good. My problem not his.
They say I am not capable of building a career for myself. They pick on my worst insecurities. You know what sucks? I care, I care a lot. Even when I know me being there don't make much difference, I still be there. I hate being seen without friends. So when turtle dove left early, I went to the computer lab alone and two of the people I know found me and said hello, I said hello and waited for my dad to pick me up. I felt like the loneliest person on earth. I saw everyone, each and everyone having someone by their side and I had no one. They looked like they had it together and I was the one desperate and clueless about my life. And even when I am surrounded by tons of people I feel so sad and want to get out. I feel like a misfit. My friends, they make me feel like something is wrong with me, I am an alien or something.
When I got home, I messed up my mascara with stupid tears. They say, tears are for attention. I crave it sometimes. In days like this. When you feel like shit on a stick. It has happened before, I've been picked on several times, but I didn't feel so bad like I felt today.
I say every little detail to my parents when I feel bad. When I feel sick. When something goes wrong in my life. But I haven't told any of this. I am a grownup now, I keep my tears secret. I act like I am all bubbly and happy in front of them. They have been through a lot because of me. I have failed them couple of times. I can't add up anymore. All I can do is do good in my academic result and make them proud. That's all there is, really. These friends won't stick long. And Meanie was right. Nobody gives a shit about me. I'd like to add. Nobody gives a shit about anyone. Only your parents are the true things you've got. And you know what? I don't need anyone's approval, disapproval of who I am, how I am. I came here to have a degree, and I will make sure I'd be successful on that. Because in the end. People who would actually matter to me are my parents.
It's bizarre how Meanie, the one who dropped out of IBA, told me I had a bad CGPA. Like, he hadn't messed up ever. He is studying here after getting kicked out of the best business school, lost two years to his academic, now doing the same things twice and he is the one giving me hard time. I thought when people go through a shitty phase of life, they learn something, they become kind. He learned nothing. I don't know what Turtle dove sees in him.
I have an average CGPA, but that is recoverable. So his opinion doesn't matter to me at all.
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