I heard him shouting out my name and I looked down from stage, it wasn't hard to spot him out of the crowd, since...If everyone was Black and White, he was the one in screaming colors. And I know it's a metaphor. But you get the idea. The story doesn't lose its originality, It is how falling in love feels like. You lose the connection to reality. You lose a bunch of things. Like- Self-worth..Esteem.Control... You assume- he/she is worth the headache. I know what you must be thinking- but here's the thing I am not a love specialist- I've never been into relationships. However, I know how it is like, falling in love with someone, ever so deeply that you cling to every small detail. Every memory that he left off on you. Every footprint on your stomach(Metaphor Alert) When he abandoned you.When he gave of a feeling, you don't even exist. All the butterflies you felt for him, died just then. You remember them all. Because, he lives with that string of memories within you. So you find him when you search him. So he isn't lost forever.
Okay where was I. Yes, I looked for him in the crowd. I saw him...He was shouting still. Not sure if he was doing that to cheer me up or make me feel awkward. Since it was my first- ramp walk on stage. I was with Dee. I wouldn't do the ramp walk if it wasn't for her. I have stage fright. I normally don't participate in these sort of stuff. But since, it was the last time, we'd be there on that stage, I agreed to do it.
I looked at him and smiled. Everything was too bright from there. But I saw him, oh-so-clearly. Then I looked over to my other friends, I gave them a flying kiss. And that's when things got kinda awkward. I didn't know how to react to him, when he was the only one there, cheering out loud for me. Should I give him a flying kiss too?
I stood there for a second, then shift left to Dee, made a super awkward face, told her, "LET'S GET DOWN. OKAY?" And I heard and then saw him burst out laughing. He was literally going HAHAHA on me. My face went crimson red.
He always used to ask me why I get so awkward. I always wondered, did he know about something?
Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. It will always stay like this. I'll never know. Next day. He told me I looked pretty the night before. Also said, one strand of my hair, was loose on my face. Yet he noticed.
There was the night we played Chinese Whispers.
And guess who was sitting right next to me. I had to whisper to his ears. That was the closest I had ever got to him. I sat there, with my heart in my hand. My voice was cracking, because I was nervous. But I managed. I couldn't stop giggling every time I had to whisper. Yeah I managed good. Of course I had to be weird. I had to be the one, who couldn't listen, whisper and spill. I had to be the defected player. But they all enjoyed me. And there was this time, I accidentally, put my hand on his knee while laughing hard, he was sitting like a Buddha. And as soon as I realized, I distanced myself. He didn't say anything. But that night was something special.
Then there was this another- stupidly significant moment. When we were all sitting on the shaded platform. And he- was sitting on my stuff toy(Yes I had a stuff toy of a puppy, I took that with me in residential semester. OKay I know, very childish.HEY DON'T JUDGE) He did that just to annoy me. I did get annoyed, I was pleading him to give it back. It was a sunny day and the sun shone brightly on my face. And that's when he said to B- "Isn't she beautiful?" And B said- "Her stuff toy is more beautiful than she is." Whatever. I got the unexpected compliment and it made my day that day.
I didn't have a choice. It was like everyday, I was driven to him. I had the fever. Love fever. I couldn't stop fancying him. Yet it hurt when he started to become mute with me. It hurt like hell when I saw him in pain. Losing his loved one. Losing one relationship that he valued so much. We grew a distance that could not be overcome. I gave him space. I didn't go and ask him what's wrong or what's bugging him. Maybe I should have. If I did, he would have known I cared. He may be thinks I don't give a fuck but he doesn't know, how much...still I think about him.
Things changed with him. And I wished it didn't.
I got to a point, where all my thoughts, just drew me back to him. When I went to Uni, I searched for his face. When I got to see him, I couldn't say anything. Not a word. There was this brief moment between those silences that he flashed me a smile. And all I could do..was give a smile back. That was it.
I missed him even when he was there. I knew, I never crossed his mind. I never existed as someone he would remember going back home. I knew all these. Yet, I hoped he would talk to me again. He did talk with me, but for brief moments. And that don't even count as conversations.
He's doing fine I guess. I've realized, it always will come down to me being fine. He is always in my mind. I remember those little moments. I can't forget them. I remember all those happy times and smile. I sat there on my old swing set at the roof the other day and listened to his song and imagined him sitting next to me. Yah that's how fucked up my life is.
I have told to myself that night walking alone in dark- I will forget him. But not the memories, just him as being the only one. Because I know, somewhere...There is someone worth my love. Worth all this headaches. I can't waste a huge space in my heart thinking about him being the one and only. There sure will be someone who would love me back. Listen to me sing. Handle my quirks. Annoy me. Cuddle with me. Tell me I'm beautiful even when I don't wanna hear it. I don't need to seek validation from him anymore.
You must be thinking, then why I wrote this whole passage when I am only trying to suppress my feelings. I wrote all this because I needed a redemption. I needed to come to a conclusion that I can't have him, so I can accept and move on and stop forecasting him being there in near future.
My universe doesn't center around him. It is just that- for couple of weeks, it's been bothering me. I've been keeping things bottled up. Now finally, I thought what the hell. Let's sit, type up and officially never talk about him again. Yes. Let's just close an account. Start that story and put an ending to it.
The End
Okay where was I. Yes, I looked for him in the crowd. I saw him...He was shouting still. Not sure if he was doing that to cheer me up or make me feel awkward. Since it was my first- ramp walk on stage. I was with Dee. I wouldn't do the ramp walk if it wasn't for her. I have stage fright. I normally don't participate in these sort of stuff. But since, it was the last time, we'd be there on that stage, I agreed to do it.
I looked at him and smiled. Everything was too bright from there. But I saw him, oh-so-clearly. Then I looked over to my other friends, I gave them a flying kiss. And that's when things got kinda awkward. I didn't know how to react to him, when he was the only one there, cheering out loud for me. Should I give him a flying kiss too?
I stood there for a second, then shift left to Dee, made a super awkward face, told her, "LET'S GET DOWN. OKAY?" And I heard and then saw him burst out laughing. He was literally going HAHAHA on me. My face went crimson red.
He always used to ask me why I get so awkward. I always wondered, did he know about something?
Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. It will always stay like this. I'll never know. Next day. He told me I looked pretty the night before. Also said, one strand of my hair, was loose on my face. Yet he noticed.
There was the night we played Chinese Whispers.
And guess who was sitting right next to me. I had to whisper to his ears. That was the closest I had ever got to him. I sat there, with my heart in my hand. My voice was cracking, because I was nervous. But I managed. I couldn't stop giggling every time I had to whisper. Yeah I managed good. Of course I had to be weird. I had to be the one, who couldn't listen, whisper and spill. I had to be the defected player. But they all enjoyed me. And there was this time, I accidentally, put my hand on his knee while laughing hard, he was sitting like a Buddha. And as soon as I realized, I distanced myself. He didn't say anything. But that night was something special.
Then there was this another- stupidly significant moment. When we were all sitting on the shaded platform. And he- was sitting on my stuff toy(Yes I had a stuff toy of a puppy, I took that with me in residential semester. OKay I know, very childish.HEY DON'T JUDGE) He did that just to annoy me. I did get annoyed, I was pleading him to give it back. It was a sunny day and the sun shone brightly on my face. And that's when he said to B- "Isn't she beautiful?" And B said- "Her stuff toy is more beautiful than she is." Whatever. I got the unexpected compliment and it made my day that day.
I didn't have a choice. It was like everyday, I was driven to him. I had the fever. Love fever. I couldn't stop fancying him. Yet it hurt when he started to become mute with me. It hurt like hell when I saw him in pain. Losing his loved one. Losing one relationship that he valued so much. We grew a distance that could not be overcome. I gave him space. I didn't go and ask him what's wrong or what's bugging him. Maybe I should have. If I did, he would have known I cared. He may be thinks I don't give a fuck but he doesn't know, how much...still I think about him.
Things changed with him. And I wished it didn't.
I got to a point, where all my thoughts, just drew me back to him. When I went to Uni, I searched for his face. When I got to see him, I couldn't say anything. Not a word. There was this brief moment between those silences that he flashed me a smile. And all I could do..was give a smile back. That was it.
I missed him even when he was there. I knew, I never crossed his mind. I never existed as someone he would remember going back home. I knew all these. Yet, I hoped he would talk to me again. He did talk with me, but for brief moments. And that don't even count as conversations.
He's doing fine I guess. I've realized, it always will come down to me being fine. He is always in my mind. I remember those little moments. I can't forget them. I remember all those happy times and smile. I sat there on my old swing set at the roof the other day and listened to his song and imagined him sitting next to me. Yah that's how fucked up my life is.
I have told to myself that night walking alone in dark- I will forget him. But not the memories, just him as being the only one. Because I know, somewhere...There is someone worth my love. Worth all this headaches. I can't waste a huge space in my heart thinking about him being the one and only. There sure will be someone who would love me back. Listen to me sing. Handle my quirks. Annoy me. Cuddle with me. Tell me I'm beautiful even when I don't wanna hear it. I don't need to seek validation from him anymore.
You must be thinking, then why I wrote this whole passage when I am only trying to suppress my feelings. I wrote all this because I needed a redemption. I needed to come to a conclusion that I can't have him, so I can accept and move on and stop forecasting him being there in near future.
My universe doesn't center around him. It is just that- for couple of weeks, it's been bothering me. I've been keeping things bottled up. Now finally, I thought what the hell. Let's sit, type up and officially never talk about him again. Yes. Let's just close an account. Start that story and put an ending to it.
The End
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