Everly

Hi B. I got hired as an english tutor in an online global company. I took 2 classes today and taught english and the pay is not much but it sure did give me some purpose in life. My niece is having trouble in speaking. She's three and her therapist had concerns. My entire world came crashing down since I heard. And I kept crying to my creator. I kept complaining, I still do. Since she was born, all I could think about was when she would talk with me. Call me by Khalamoni. You know how much my heart craves for that sound? You know how much I want to hug her, hold her little hands again? I can't go to Canada because I don't have money. When I will earn that much, the first thing I am gonna do is visit her. I can't take it anymore. I miss her so much. I miss my sister too. The future will always be uncertain. Unpredictable. Maybe little predictable, but still. This world is a cruel place for kids, for teenagers for growing adults. It is a shitty place. It makes y...

just four nights staying out of home i realized, there is nothing more calmer than just leaving. leaving is my tendency, it doesn't have to be physical. whenever i have an issue with someone i just want to leave from there. not face it. i ran away from a would be relationship. i ran away from interviews i applied for. i ran away from my past being a problematic kid. i ran away from a friend who genuinely cares for me. i hurt her and i wanted my release from the prison she created for me inside her mind. i don't want to suffocate in somebody else's interpreted world. i want to be in my own world. making decisions my own way. I don't want to deal with this. Anymore. when i say i am an introvert, socially awkward, people say be more outspoken. it is like telling an extrovert to be more quiet. i hate the fact that, i am in middle of all this people and despite that i feel like i am alone. and everybody thinks it's okay to put aside my conceptions and put th...

I feel so alone I feel the gloom hitting me hard I fell back again by the way He is a stupid fuck creating stupid illusions inside my head there's nothing sadder than this I was finally happy I can't go back to that pathetic self Save me. 

I almost had an accident today while crossing the road. I was alone. I didn't have anyone to help me. I just followed two strangers who happened to be reckless with their lives. And. Yeah. A motorbike just put break inches away from me. I almost cried at the flashlight. Bottom line is. I can't be on my own. I came home my heart still beating. I feel like everybody has someone in their life to be with when their parents aren't there. When my parents aren't with me, I am all alone.  I walked by the lane toward my apartment, feeling so alone. An outsider. An odd between the evens. It makes my eyes all watery when I watch people being themselves and still fitting in. I can't fit in. I am not blaming anybody for that. It is not my friend's duty to look after me, always make sure I am safe. This is something that I should be able to do myself. I am 23. I am not a baby. But most times I feel like I can't do anything right. I had pizza slices today I didn...

When I talk about depression to my father. He doesn't understand it. Instead he just tries to fix me. He thinks waking up in the morning and having breakfast is the only solution to all my problems. I know he's only got good intentions. But he just doesn't get it, does he? I know talking about how my life could've been better, is a bad choice of words because, it only hurts him. He thinks, I am not happy because he couldn't give me the life. That's not what I intended to say. I wanted to create a life for myself, I wanted him to believe in me, since childhood I wanted to become my own person. Living on his money, on his hard work and constantly being pushed around as a 'problematic child' was not my dream. He just doesn't get it, I am not happy not because we aren't rich. I am not happy because, I feel lost. I feel frustrated with myself, how so little self esteem I have and how I just feel like a waste of space. My emotions go out of con...

long time no post? Well I've been down for a while. This semester was brutal. I had classes six days a week. And 8 am classes too. But I did fairly well. I mean I wanted straight A's but A minus is not so bad either. I am not so disappointed. Though I had been thinking about dropping Finance as my second major...It is kind of a pain in the ass, so I might be considering just marketing. Let's see what happens. 6 months to go! I had lost connection with myself. Stress have got me. I am on break now. Feeling like a blunt existence again....I also lost my interest to journal. I might just leave this blog here. I don't know. There's gonna be very few posts from now on. I am not myself these days. I am just going with the flow like a dead fish.

saw my dad crying over a video in his phone today. we were on road in our car. the song was ay khuku ay. maybe he misses my sister. I cannot believe it's been over a year. I haven't seen her. She is in a far away country living with her husband and my niece. I miss them so much. i don't understand this. why did Allah create such web of infatuation.  i only know i am gonna lose people i love. everything is gonna end. I am gonna be dead. I may watch people die before me. the whole thing sickens me. why does it have to be this way. I mean why does it have to be a cycle of life and death? Why can't this duniya be permanent for all? Why Allah give us such love and care in human forms and take them away? I haven't lived. I am not living. I am just doing what I am told. Getting my degree so i can end up somewhere, survive. i feel like i am not so capable. i always feel that. I could've done so much. I didn't do. Now i am 23 and my father is getting old befor...

i told myself it did not happen draped that memory down almost as if it's possible it is hidden beneath but sometimes  it peeks  and makes me feel like an aged woman my memory isn't sharp i wish it was i always forget things,  passwords, chat threads, memes i already read and laughed our minds cannot process all information it knows ultimately  the cloud will contain things work like that now you forget, you retrieve. 

It is just out of random I feel like I need to spread negativity into the world, think back all the bad things that happened to me, make myself feel miserable and torture my heart and soul and overall peace. I don't know how am I going to be okay, make myself feel good about me. For once accept the fact that everybody is unique in their own way, everybody has different way of handling things. And I mess up. Maybe more than once, more than others, and it is completely okay too. We all try. We don't always make it... Thank you Don. For reminding me that.

My favorite episode from Mad Men by far, is The Suitcase. It was simple and metaphorical at the same time. There is so much sentiment in this particular one. I liked the moments between Draper and Peggy, it was so intense and they shared a bond that was unspoken of, silent yet deep. I love their friendship...Jon Hamm is such a great actor tbh. I am just getting more and more fond of him...Like seriously. I wish I could meet him in person and give him a big hug. 

I am officially quitting the game of searching for my soul mate. There is no one out there who I can love and be loved. After talking to tons of men last year and this, I decided to be just where I am right now. I am gonna be focusing on myself now. Because I think I am not ready to be in a relationship anyway, it's a lot of work and I am not ready to open up to a person, this blog, okay, but a rational human, no. It's fine, I am keeping it busy, studying and singing and stuff like that. I like spending time with my friends too. It's great, honestly. I am happy. 

out of the picture out of the mind of people  prone to crumble in tears feels this lump in her throat they cannot see me like this she thinks forces a smile tries to engage but only in vain. i am not so well today, she thinks again maybe i'll be better tomorrow.

I am afraid all of my topic had revolved around men. I feel cheap sometimes, thinking about who I am gonna end up with instead of thinking about real life issues like a career, my future. My age is moving so fast, I don't like it...In five years, I will be 28. Can you imagine that? Don't you think it's super fast? I haven't done anything quite meaningful. It makes me feel kinda sad. I wanted my life to be exciting at my 20s.... I am grateful for whatever I have but this is too comforting. I wanted to be a risk taker, an adventurous person. It is still not happening. I am already tired. I already feel like I am old. This is not good. This is not good at all.

I am here to spill some tea. So this guy out of nowhere tells that he has a crush on me. This guy used to be my rebound obsession back in freshmen years, I used to like him a bit, as I knew very little about him. Rebound because I had strong feelings for this other guy who had a girlfriend. I wanted to fill the void with whatever chances I had. To be honest, I was girl full of hopes and dreams, rainbows and butterflies, any new attention would suffice me. I was not in my element. I was a desperate person. But I never told him I liked him back then. One night I thought about it but thank god I woke up the next morning, thinking more rationally and chose to wait over this. Whatever sort of feelings I had. Over three years we have been sort of friends but not too deep. Merely on the surface. Basically, I lost all of my respect for him after knowing his desperate intentions and clingy attitude toward other girls, it just sickened me... And also he used to be very confusing, he used to cr...

i had a massive panic attack. I can't believe couple puffs of marijuana can do that to you. First it felt like time moved slow. Like painfully slow. And everything was happening at once. I had a tunnel vision. I felt like I was inside of a tv. I remember touching my friend's boob, trying to understand if it was real lol...My hands were numb. I was freaking out. I was saying and seeing things over and over again. It was scary. I think something is wrong inside my head.

why does everything have to be so complicated?

I am chatting with so many people at once it is kinda distracting. But I can't give up. I have to find the one...I can't even keep up with the names. The saddest part is. My phone just went dead. It is not charging. I have to fix it tomorrow. I guess this is a sign. I needed to stop. I have a pakistani guy on snapchat. An Iranian guy whose been chatting with me on whatsapp for quite a few weeks. And all the tinder matches. There's this guy who studies just beside my university. That one was convenient. We chatted last night a lot. And I almost thought, why not. Let's give this a try. But now I am like scattered. What do I want? This is not cheating. This is the introductory. I haven't connected with any of them on a deeper level. It is just surface level bonding...But what the hell I have so many men to choose from yet I can't do it. No one is making me chase for it. They're so casual and all they want is coffee date. I don't know if I can...I have ma...

Two words. MAD MEN. If you haven't watched this series yet what are you even doing with your life. Jon Hamm makes me lose faith in reality, he is so sexy. I just can't, maybe it's the hormone rush of 3 am but I am hooked! See you after 7 seasons!

6 to 8 months until I complete all my courses and apply myself for an internship. Step out in the corporate world...I am quite puzzled. Time moves so fast. But I want it to be over. Seeing my dad paying for my tuition fees has been painful enough. I want to pay him back. This month, I have been quite blunt toward everything. Especially toward fasting. Reconnecting. I have been quite out of the path. I know He is watching me and I will have to answer to him on the day of judgement but for some weird reason I cannot put myself through it. This life somehow becomes the utmost focus, I cannot seem to think about afterlife, being alive and breathing. It is impossible to not get distracted in this materialistic world. Something that is after death is difficult to imagine, difficult to foresee when all you have is now. I am 23 years old. I feel so incomplete. I feel like I am waiting for a drastic thing to happen to me and transform me. There is not much content inside of me...I want to be...

My strategy of keeping friends is giving them enough space to deal with their own issues, as I deal with mine. And I just hit an epiphany that, it only creates resentments not bonding. When I see my friend, invading my space, I grow skeptical about her/him and I just close up even more. And I even judge people for being too control freak or intruding. I have always been peace loving, less arguing kinda girl. You do your thing, I do mine, yet we be friends for life. But the main issue here is, when you create such a boundary, you grow apart. This is not friendship. This becomes just a phase of it. Yet I expect a sort of validation from them, a way to belong in a group. I feel like with this little much emotional contribution, no one can explore the depth of friendship. It is just an awkward foundation and will eventually frustrate you as you start to realize they're talking among themselves, having a great time and you are just there.  I had a hard time, understanding humans....

Ramadan and summer is mutually inclusive events now. I am not fasting today. Couldn't wake up at sehri. I am so tired and numb to write. But I just thought why not write a few words. My classes started. I have the most fucked up routine this semester. And I hate the sun. It's been super cruel. 

Men.  I wish some man came to my life and could change the perspective I have for men. And the frustrations I have. I blame the marketing campaign i.e- valentines day. The romantic movies like Serendipity, You've got mail, The notebook. For shaping my mind into thinking, Men have to be that way. They have to sweep me off my feet, be all charming and cute and be obsessed with me.  I had in fact no real connection. I had never been on a date with a man to come to this conclusion that they are frustrating. I had only made virtual connections that didn't last even for a month. I am stuck between what ifs. What if he really turned out to be a nice guy. Someone sweet if only I met him. The man I thought I loved in real life, only made effort to say pick up lines. He started giving me attention only when I got a bit lady like, like Anjali in Kuch Kuch Hota Hain, or like Sanjana in Main Hoon Na. But as I said, these movies show false representation of reality. My story is some...

Biggest lie I pulled off with my parents! And I am glad I did. Ok now ready to get sentimental! If you have watched Friends, you'd know life with so much issues attached to it, can be enjoyed too. With the people beside you. People you call your friends. You don't know how much blessed I am feeling. There are no other way to describe it. If you had said it to the person I was say, seven or eight years ago, I wouldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe this is possible. Having friends. Having people who understands. Or who is just there. To make you feel you belong. To make you feel you're not alone in this world...You just as much exist as the other people on earth.  I do feel guilty that I fooled my parents for this. But I needed this. One night away. To be away from all the disappointments as a daughter, a sister.  What makes me gloomy is, it was short lived. The joy of it all. But it was beautiful. And I am thankful.

So I have to make up excuses to avoid hangouts with school friends. Because get this. I have it all lined up next week, and tomorrow, I have to go to this lunch invite and I was so not feeling it. But I have to do it because I have fear of missing out. And to top it off. I had to lie to my parents, on 3rd next month i'm gonna stay at a resort for one night, with all my friends. I told my parents it is managed by university and I am gonna stay at a girl's dorm. If I get caught, I can only assume. I am gonna be in dangerous trouble. My phone is hitting up with messenger groups. For all this planning and shit. I mean, I am not complaining, but I love my space. And I like staying home. I am not on a social sphere. It is just that, all of them are planning movie, lunch, then this resort....It is all too much! And I don't have my pocket money, I have to run it through my parents every now and then. The conversations are not fun. But this is the first time, I am going t...

the restart of the engine, the green light to go the sweats on the face feels cold as the air hits, as the car finally moves. when you're finally home, mom tells you we have ice-cream in the fridge. you before even changing clothes, drop your body on the bed with a spoon and the box. As the vanilla melts in your mouth you think about the day and you think life is not so bad.

Dear B! Life is quite happening for me right now haha. I have an Iranian guy on my what's app. Basically, I used to follow this photographer/architect on instagram, since 2012! It took him 7 years to finally notice me. He has over twenty thousand followers. It started when I commented on his photo saying he is cute. He followed me back and texted me Where are you from? You look so good. Then things escalated way fast and guess what? He would like to talk and 'enjoy'. Okay I know, foreigners are wild and full of spice so I am not getting invested into this. I will keep my territory clean. And just talk. There is no harm in that. If I get even slightly uncomfortable, I would block him. Simple! If 7 years ago I knew this guy I stalked would actually notice me, I would've died with sheer happiness. I am happy now too but knowing this would be a pointless recreational activity; kind of makes me sad at the same time. I wish I had money and fly to Iran and meet him and do...

So I am officially 23. And I smoked  a few mins ago. Yes an actual nicotine full of cigarette, and I felt awfully dizzy. I don't know why I did that, maybe because I had a stressful day today and this is all I was looking forward to all day. It is always exciting and fun to do something that your parents and society abandon you to do. Obviously I am not making a habit out of this, it is not a regular thing. It's just a reckless one day -temporary fun. Besides, I am still kind of dizzy and my room smells. I have to do something about the smell before my non-smoker parents find out about this. Well it's 12.18 am, they're all asleep, hoping in the morning the smell will vanish. Now I am sitting with a tub of ice-cream. To remove the aftertaste. To be honest. I am not feeling 'good' or 'soothed out', I am feeling super dizzy and a slight headache. Why do smokers enjoy this? I am still trying to figure it out. My birthday was extra good this year. I had ...

I have two good news. One is that..he didn't get the message. Facebook doesn't send offline  texts that got deleted initially. Yes I have done my fair share of research on that field...phew! I was worried about losing my self esteem, it's intact now, so I'm super carefree and enjoying my life again. Another news is that, I am moving on... I am starting to realize I love my life without him in it. It is wonderful. Carefree. Almost beautiful. I need no man to tell me things I already am/was. Great I am gonna take a nap and after that I have to prepare my speech for the presentation.

Oh my god. I sent him a cheesy text. I deleted it before it was sent. But there is a high chance facebook has it in its server and probably he got the text. I hate technology. And instant gratification. I was sleep deprived and probably wasn't even thinking straight. UGH I hate myself. He hasn't responded so I don't know if he got it or not. I am so bothered....I mean the text was platonic but the problem is, it gives him too much importance, it glorifies him and slightly makes me look like a desperate chick. There is no way, he is reading that. If he reads that, my world might as well end. Okay overreacting, but still. I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

If only a year ago, he asked me out, I would've said yes to him. I would've loved him with all my heart. I don't know what got to him lately ... He held my hand today for a while, my past self would've jumped up and down with joy, that he finally is noticing me and saying all the sweet things a girl wants to hear, saying you're pretty over and over that it is losing its meaning now. I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I needed a validation he is giving me that. I never imagined myself, actually expecting him to be unreal for a second. To be completely catching me off guard. why did he made me feel like. He is going to ask me out for real this time? If he actually liked me he would've noticed all the other things than the way my hair strands fall on my face. If he liked me, he would've known how much I like to be in the background while everyone just talked their hearts out. I am afraid, he is only going to like me on my look good days. That though...

Why are men such jerks? I am so mad at him. For thinking it is awfully funny. To ask me out for only the sole purpose of watching my reaction. Well it is clever that way. He would know what's on my mind without even getting real. Wow why didn't I think of that? Well my silver lining: he has not pulled that prank on me yet because I leave early and I don't give him the chance to talk. I bet he has changed his mind. My friend told me his intentions early on and so, guess what. I am guarding myself by being utterly childish and incredibly sensitive. Okay, whatever, I can't take a joke, I am a buzzkill. My life is going blunt. Super blunt. One thing I am sure of. And that is. I am going to be single for a lot and lot of time, until I figure out my career and myself and by that time, my mom will do the man hunt and get me out of the house.  All I want now, is be on my feet. Give my father a break...He is doing so much for our family, I can't look at his face...

I cut my hair super short, right under my ears. And it feels amazing. I don't sweat down my neck. My locks are super healthy now. And my face feels fresh....Only problem is tho. I look like a kid. xD That's good innit? I like to stay youthful. Oh my god. Next month I am turning 23. I hate that. The numbers are going up and up and I don't have anything figured out yet.

Don't write your feelings, don't speak your feelings, be poised, pretend you're cool. Aloof. Be a zen. Like nothing bothers you. UGH FUCK IT. Nobody told me, This would be life. Nobody told me, YOU ARE GOING TO STRUGGLE BAD so prepare. Everybody was busy planning school and college and that's it. What about your skills? How to be a good friend? How to build relationships and connections. Your mind development and all that bullshit and everything that makes a person 'person'. I don't know man. People say, family is your first institution for learning. I learned nada really. I learned how to behave myself, correct myself through countless embarrassments being out and about with everybody else my age only to find I am a super misfit and I say sorry a dozen times even when I haven't made any mistake. There is no strong bone in my body and no matter how much I want to be strong, independent, I end up being this weak and sloppy version of a woman I eno...

How do you deal with such pressure to become something useful, meaningful how do you not cry yourself to sleep how do you eat without feeling guilty that you did let me tell you one little secret i have been a mess my whole life i had counted myself out told myself over and over, you're a nothing life is difficult people are difficult these delusions i have of being loved back living in my own place helping the poor being sober of sadness. are diluted with frustrations. tell me everything will be okay, i need to hear it and believe for days like this i want you to be hopeful.

Somewhere around Florida, a 23 year old Indian guy has my picture and I don't know how to feel about that. He is in my snapchat. We have been chatting, and he seemed like a normal, average, IT guy. And I just figured. Having a long distance friendship won't hurt me. Though I hope he is not jerking off looking at my selfie. UGH. He's got like a nice beard and seemed okay, if he were my country man, I would've gone out with him, for the fact that, he is not a drop out or a failure, he actually got a job, a prospect but other than that. THIS... Nothing will become of this. I pity myself for making such decisions to add strangers on a personal app. Like it is. I don't know. A bit scary. To put myself out there. I wish it were easy to trust people. Anywho. I have mid tomorrow and I am like super distracted. You know about singer guy. Yeah, He is being extra charming these days I don't know why. I wish he were unattractive and totally aloof. But he is like super c...

Netflix is the devil I tell you. Source of all my procrastination. I have BoJack Horseman on while I am writing this. Sarcasm and self-loathing- the perfect show to binge my soul on. You know what is funny? I have mids next week and I promised myself earlier this year, that I will work my ass off to ace all my courses. Guess what, I am proving myself a liar again. Such a disappointment to the real world right now.

My mother was never in support of me. I always felt like she was ashamed of me or something. We don't have a close bond. She is a stranger to me for the most part. She hurts me in ways she doesn't even know or care. Today she said why in the first place she gave birth to me? I am such a waste of a child.  I won't have a baby, ever. After this. I won't want a baby because I wouldn't be able to provide all the things in the world my baby would want. I am obsessed with babies but you know, when I see myself, failing at everything, so unimportant in people's lives, I tell myself. I wouldn't want another of me, to exist in future and suffer. I don't want my traits on it. Unless I am incredibly rich, provide for everything, I wouldn't want another life suffering like me in future.  You know, I have had enough of it. Listening to all the money problems and the way I live my life. I am just not the daughter they want me to be.  But do I not beat myse...

This weather is making me think about SLEEP more than ever. All I can think about now is falling asleep. My life is stupid right now. 

No matter how much I want to suppress this feeling, it comes out and pains me. I can say, I moved on and everything but there's still a part of me which holds on to him. Which wants to make an impression on him. I know there are far better things I can do with my life and he should not be my prime focus right now, I know all the logic but why still, I can't get over the fact that he doesn't want me? Why can't I just accept it and fucking move on? Maybe because it is valentines day and I have been single my whole life that I want some action. I wish I could say it without sounding desperate. I don't love him, there's not a thing in him I absolutely adore, to be frank, he sometimes pisses me off. His attitude and everything about him just piss me off. Yet I seek his validation from time to time. If he doesn't like my photo on social media, I convince myself it's not a good photo which is unconventionally untrue. I look great but still I would have this ...

When I was taking a picture beside his wife and him, his hands reached my hair and my neck, I froze, I didn't know if it was right or wrong to even think, because I knew he had sexually abused many women in the past. But I am family. I cannot be one of his many conquests. It made me sick to my stomach. To even think, that he would. I don't know how to put this, how to label this. I mean deep down I know, there is something wrong with these men. They don't understand the fact that, you can't just go and touch someone. There is a rule. You are married. You are a father. You are old enough to understand that. Last week it was even worse. I let this man, who is same age as my dad, touch my hair while I was eating in his dining table. He literally brushed his fingers through my locks. I am not intimate with him ever. He is a distant family. It was really uncomfortable. He stood so close to me that even my brother felt uneasy about it. Just because he was family, I didn'...

Intelligence is the new tits now. When your mind stays sound and crisp, you say all the right things in the right time...you get validated. People like you for making them laugh. Not at you, but at your jokes. Your sarcasm tricks them into thinking, you have a healthy thing going on with yourself. I had always struggled keeping up. I am the clumsiest version of a princess. The reason I called myself princess is because I always expect people to treat me like one and I literally will cry myself out if someone gets a little bit rude with me. I won't say anything but I'll definitely cry. It is not that, I am dumb all the time. I have a voice, I just prefer not to use it. In today's world, you are supposed to be vocal about even the slightest inconvenience.  But I didn't know I was this shy until I came into my university life. Being among friends, lot of them, made me feel, there's this whole part of me, that I don't wanna show them. I found myself to be ...

So January is over, in a snap.  Soon this year will be over.  You know there are moments when I really wish to stop time. Entirely stop it.  I know the more time is passed, it is only gonna get harder. I am not ready. I wish I knew my way around life. At my age, many people are conquering. And look at me. 

my girlfriends and i, we have a messenger group dedicated to bitching about other people. We don't get too harsh, we basically state the facts. I feel specifically bad sometimes because there wasn't a bone in my body who liked "bitching". Let me explain the term to you. It is when you speak bad of people. When I was in middle school, some of my friends made fun of me, they whispered to each other, bad stuff. Basically, they got mad about me sometimes, eating their share of junk foods in the tiff-in period. It made me feel so small. I came back home crying. I was so sad the whole time, I always had a hard time making friends. now I have a lot of friends who I speak bad stuff with. We try to make it as playful as possible just to feed our free time. If you judge it from the pessimistic view, we are awful. But to be honest, I enjoy our little space. Where we can speak our mind instead of sugarcoating everyone. Speaking bad of people is prohibited in our religion but ...

I had to confront myself and this is my confrontation. I am gonna move on from him. It is gonna be difficult but it is the best decision. He is a con-artist and he loves making girls feel special. And then crush their hearts because he likes the thrill. But karma is definitely a bitch because the girl(one of my friends who's really really hot) he truly likes and adores has been unavailable. (she has a boyfriend). I observed and calculated, she is never going to fall for him. Why? Because she is fierce and confident and self-sufficient. Only the silly, insecure women can fall for his sweet talk. I realized, no matter, how I change myself, the conclusion would be the same. He will only notice me on my good looking days. And talk with me in a sweet flirty tone, acting as if, friends do that. I haven't loved him the way a girl should love.  I didn't give much attention. I liked seeing myself through him. Long story short, I wasn't obsessed with him, I was obsessed with ...

I don't know if this happens to anyone. When I see families to be in a state of normal, I get so sad. It happens when I go to a get together, like my friend's house for example. I see their parents or aunts and uncles and I see them being all wholesome and everything, I get a feeling of inferiority. I have always been, sort of embarrassed of myself and my family, I know it sounds utterly selfish and first world problem but I cannot help but come home feeling drained and depressed. It makes me think, if only my parents were more attentive toward me since childhood. If they pushed me to be best. If they, instead of saying like I am so bad at whatever I do, said, I believe in you. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad...I spent my entire childhood feeling like, I can't do anything right. My uncle has a big secret I came to know, after only, becoming an adult. My aunts and uncles are all abroad and I barely have connection with them. My relationship with my grandmother was ne...

I don't know what to make out of this blog because this is not lifestyle or any resourceful content. This blog is just my thoughts and weirdly, i find myself coming back to it whenever i am upset or have a happy feeling to share. I don't mind having this but sometimes, it just gives me a false sense of self because i know i am not a good writer and my sentences are not always grammatically correct. But after writing something, i do have a slight egoistic feeling that i can write any piece. Which is not true at all because firstly, my native language is not English and I am not much of a reader. So the question is, is this blog adding any values to my life or is it just a zone for me to dump all my thoughts in? Because I know I have not gained the potential to life coach anyone, write some sort of like tips and tricks to succeed in life so it actually bewilders me a little bit that somebody would read this pointless rumble.  I do like keeping records, leaving a legacy b...

Good news, I think my hormones are steady because I have gone without crying for a long while.... life is at its place. I still feel worthless and I have a fear that my future is gonna be a bit messed up but other than that, all's well....

My brother aced all his courses. Two years ago right at this time, he was diagnosed with a mental illness called Schizophrenia. He was frustrated, hopeless and on the verge of losing his shit. My parents went through a very tough time, we didn't know what to do to ease whatever he was feeling inside. I felt like my whole world collapsed. He is my twin brother. We shared a womb together. There is nothing more saddening than the part that my brother was going through such mental pain and I couldn't do anything about it. Nothing that I'd say would ease his discomfort because everything was dark in his mind. I almost thought, I lost him. Fast forward til now, my brother has achieved his academic excellence this semester and he has been quite studious, my father helped tremendously with his math courses and such, he has friends now, he likes going classes, he enjoys writing computer codes, he is praying five times a day. Everything is in perfect place. And we couldn't be ...

So I had been trying to write books this whole vacation, I have been so blank oh gosh. But I never imagined my 20 part short novel would get 101 views and here is the crazy part! It has been ranked #18 on Wattpad's hot list out of 82 stories! This has seriously made my night. Now I have more chance in getting discovered. Here is the link if you want to read it sometime:  https://www.wattpad.com/story/165733624-she-drives-him-crazy This is a very mindless story I developed since I was very bored and didn't have much to think about. But getting this ranking actually has inspired me a lot and I will try to improve my story writing from now on and put up more writings there, definitely. I am so happy by this. Really. This is nothing maybe, but I love being accomplished this little ranking on a popular website where my audience demographics show they all live in USA. Yay. 

Classes started and I have the worst skin possible. UGH my pimples are coming back and I hate so so so much. Today even music guy noticed one of my darkest spots. I felt so insecure. Like why do people pick on your insecurities?  I feel so sleepy in the daytime. My sleeping game is not strong. The neighbors were drinking and partying all night last night. Apparently there's some wedding going on up there. The whole apartment building in front of ours is decorated with fairy lights. Very lit. 

...no matter where you're from, your dreams are valid" - Lupita Nyong said these very words in her Oscars receiving speech for best supporting actress in 12 Years a Slave. This movie wrecked me inside. I cried the whole movie. Kept asking myself. How could the world be so cruel. How could this be based on such truth. It literally hurt. The movie is a masterpiece. I believe whoever watched it or just watched it; better late than never, feels something in their body, all goosebumps and tears. It destroyed me. I felt like there is so many issues to be dealt with, in real world, there might not be slavery, still, there is racism and I absolutely am disgusted by it. After all that happened in the history, how can this still be an ongoing subject. It should have been just decades long past. I am still shaken by the story. It befalls me, why there is still people who consider skin before humanity. No matter where you're from, your dreams are valid. I think universe wanted me ...

I can't wait for the classes to start...I am so bored being stuck at home. And I miss hanging out with my friends. I am on a movie marathon all by myself. It is weird having to watch so much movies. I feel like I am making up for the years I haven't watched much. When I was a kid, say 5 or 6, the tv set was in my parent's bedroom. I hardly watched much, my sister watched this hindi reality shows and movies and what not. I remember watching morning cartoons, specifically Dexter's laboratory while getting ready for school. There was another tv set that was my grand parents' living room, we used to live together, but I hardly could claim that one. My grandma was a very controlling person and I wasn't brave enough to touch that one. It was until I think when I was fifteen or sixteen that we finally got our own flat and tv that wasn't in my parent's room that was for common entertainment, that I finally could watch something on. However, there was always s...

I overheard my mother's phone conversation with my aunt telling her that she's going to fix someone for me and after year or two she will have my wedding all arranged. I almost had a cardiac arrest. All I could hear from afar is that the guy works in a company (which I am not going to mention here)  and a woman's name who actually gave her the proposal. I know that woman. She's a relative of my mom's side. I am certainly not ready for marriage. A year is the shortest time to actually be prepared for things like this. I can't sleep since then. I am hardly handling myself. The best fit scenario for me at the least is maybe dating a guy. But marriage is like a whole new dimension. There would be in-laws. There would be a whole new house where I would have to make myself adjust in. And the next year, I am gonna be on by myself hunting jobs. The situation is overwhelming itself. You have no idea how many times I hinted mother I am not ready for this, she would be s...

Hello 2019 I hope to survive you with a strong heart