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I don't know what to make out of this blog because this is not lifestyle or any resourceful content. This blog is just my thoughts and weirdly, i find myself coming back to it whenever i am upset or have a happy feeling to share. I don't mind having this but sometimes, it just gives me a false sense of self because i know i am not a good writer and my sentences are not always grammatically correct. But after writing something, i do have a slight egoistic feeling that i can write any piece. Which is not true at all because firstly, my native language is not English and I am not much of a reader. So the question is, is this blog adding any values to my life or is it just a zone for me to dump all my thoughts in?

Because I know I have not gained the potential to life coach anyone, write some sort of like tips and tricks to succeed in life so it actually bewilders me a little bit that somebody would read this pointless rumble. 

I do like keeping records, leaving a legacy but i haven't written spectacular things yet because my life has been event less and i had struggled a lot to keep myself sane, there are posts that are extremely raw and sounds vulnerable and i don't feel comfortable of anyone reading it...But i had not deleted it because if i filter out my thoughts, this would be just another fake display of myself like all the other social media, the captions and the pictures. This is like my secret little space where i write what truly goes inside my head, it maybe just a nothing to somebody or to the world wide web but i just can't leave this yet. Not before i chronologically sort my life out...

These days, my emotions are fluctuating like a YOYO. Really, yesterday I was normal and today I am so down. I cried at the shower thinking I won't ever have kids. I love kids but I don't think I would want of my own because of the mess that I am... I would be such a bad parent you see. I would be such a bad example for the future generation. Before I used to think, i would have good parenting skills because i would keep an open mind for my kids but the truth is, no matter how much you do, you will never be able to control the circumstances...What if (hypothetically) my kid suicides in an early age because he/she can't take the pressure of the society or feels extremely pointless in life or what if i cannot provide everything i once thought i would and what if i become another disappointment...I don't think i will be able to handle that...because i am already such a mess to be with or be loved...

I also think any man would find it difficult to be with me because I am extremely insecure. It hit me like epiphany today that, i am not capable of being loved. Therefore, no kids, no partner in life. 
I think i would turn into a cat lady or something. It is kind of depressing but if i am able to support myself and my family, be independent and travel and everything, then i need no one to make me feel precious. 





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