I almost had an accident today while crossing the road. I was alone. I didn't have anyone to help me. I just followed two strangers who happened to be reckless with their lives. And. Yeah. A motorbike just put break inches away from me. I almost cried at the flashlight.
Bottom line is. I can't be on my own. I came home my heart still beating. I feel like everybody has someone in their life to be with when their parents aren't there. When my parents aren't with me, I am all alone. I walked by the lane toward my apartment, feeling so alone. An outsider. An odd between the evens. It makes my eyes all watery when I watch people being themselves and still fitting in.
I can't fit in.
I am not blaming anybody for that. It is not my friend's duty to look after me, always make sure I am safe. This is something that I should be able to do myself. I am 23. I am not a baby. But most times I feel like I can't do anything right.
I had pizza slices today I didn't pay for. My friend let me her share. She said she was full. I swallowed that while thinking, 'You don't deserve this' 'don't eat someone else's food' 'You're broke' 'You have only transport money' 'You don't deserve to be here in this fancy restaurant' 'Watch them eat.' My eyes watered again. I saw things blurry. I saw my friends having a great time while I was having a self loathing session in my head. I couldn't tell them I didn't have money. I couldn't do that. I don't know why. I told them I had health issues.
I ate that 1.5 slices of pizza feeling like a stray cat. My father is having a lot of financial pressure. The fact that I was in a fancy restaurant trying to enjoy myself, didn't make sense. I didn't know why I came in the first place. To feel like that? To make myself cry again? That I won't fit in the lifestyle my friends have?
I am not sad because I don't have money. I am sad that, I felt so small because I thought money matters in this cases to fit in. It shouldn't be an issue. I should be grateful I can even eat. And my parents are alive. I should be grateful for that. Because it is all that matters in the end.
Bottom line is. I can't be on my own. I came home my heart still beating. I feel like everybody has someone in their life to be with when their parents aren't there. When my parents aren't with me, I am all alone. I walked by the lane toward my apartment, feeling so alone. An outsider. An odd between the evens. It makes my eyes all watery when I watch people being themselves and still fitting in.
I can't fit in.
I am not blaming anybody for that. It is not my friend's duty to look after me, always make sure I am safe. This is something that I should be able to do myself. I am 23. I am not a baby. But most times I feel like I can't do anything right.
I had pizza slices today I didn't pay for. My friend let me her share. She said she was full. I swallowed that while thinking, 'You don't deserve this' 'don't eat someone else's food' 'You're broke' 'You have only transport money' 'You don't deserve to be here in this fancy restaurant' 'Watch them eat.' My eyes watered again. I saw things blurry. I saw my friends having a great time while I was having a self loathing session in my head. I couldn't tell them I didn't have money. I couldn't do that. I don't know why. I told them I had health issues.
I ate that 1.5 slices of pizza feeling like a stray cat. My father is having a lot of financial pressure. The fact that I was in a fancy restaurant trying to enjoy myself, didn't make sense. I didn't know why I came in the first place. To feel like that? To make myself cry again? That I won't fit in the lifestyle my friends have?
I am not sad because I don't have money. I am sad that, I felt so small because I thought money matters in this cases to fit in. It shouldn't be an issue. I should be grateful I can even eat. And my parents are alive. I should be grateful for that. Because it is all that matters in the end.
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