spring is almost here

My strategy of keeping friends is giving them enough space to deal with their own issues, as I deal with mine. And I just hit an epiphany that, it only creates resentments not bonding.

When I see my friend, invading my space, I grow skeptical about her/him and I just close up even more. And I even judge people for being too control freak or intruding. I have always been peace loving, less arguing kinda girl. You do your thing, I do mine, yet we be friends for life.

But the main issue here is, when you create such a boundary, you grow apart. This is not friendship. This becomes just a phase of it. Yet I expect a sort of validation from them, a way to belong in a group. I feel like with this little much emotional contribution, no one can explore the depth of friendship. It is just an awkward foundation and will eventually frustrate you as you start to realize they're talking among themselves, having a great time and you are just there. 

I had a hard time, understanding humans. Connecting with them. But I tried my best. I don't blame myself for being who I am, I can certainly try to improve my way of approaching people, but that doesn't mean I will completely ignore my very identity which is I am in fact anti social and have a hard time in conversations. It doesn't go fluid. When I talk I feel like somebody is forcing me inside my body and I have to do it because, well. I am biological. I need friends to survive, to belong, to preserve a personality...

But I have to let go of my ego. They are not bound to validate me. When you are talking about your personal issues. You are being vulnerable. And you are opening a door to your heart for someone. That is where friendship and compassion enter. If you walk like nothing is wrong with you, you just create this image of a hardcore person who doesn't need anyone and honestly everybody wants to feel wanted, needed a certain amount of time.

My friends are so accepting. It is just me who is not. I have always been so closed up that, they didn't get to know me authentically... 2 and a half years, they're almost like family now, yet I feel there had been moments, I guarded my feelings way too much.

All this time I had this notion that it is a race of who does better in life, as my parents have always been skeptical of having friends as a means of just hanging out and having fun. But you cannot accept someone be always there for you, if you're not there for them.

I love that, I have created an image of a 'good' person in their minds. But I am not that sometimes. I bitch too. And I am not proud of that part so I don't show it. And that is where the fundamental problem lies. 

If you cannot be yourself among the people who is a crucial part of your life, what are you even doing?

The more I am experiencing social interaction, the more I am learning about the dynamics of friendship, people.

I guess, it is good that, I finally realize this. I don't owe anyone anything. They too owe me nothing.

It is just a matter of letting your soul out for a while. Give it a spin. Let your feelings out...It will form by itself. Friendship is an organic process like connections and love.