Skip to main content
My mother was never in support of me. I always felt like she was ashamed of me or something. We don't have a close bond. She is a stranger to me for the most part. She hurts me in ways she doesn't even know or care. Today she said why in the first place she gave birth to me? I am such a waste of a child. 
I won't have a baby, ever. After this. I won't want a baby because I wouldn't be able to provide all the things in the world my baby would want. I am obsessed with babies but you know, when I see myself, failing at everything, so unimportant in people's lives, I tell myself. I wouldn't want another of me, to exist in future and suffer. I don't want my traits on it. Unless I am incredibly rich, provide for everything, I wouldn't want another life suffering like me in future. 

You know, I have had enough of it. Listening to all the money problems and the way I live my life. I am just not the daughter they want me to be. 
But do I not beat myself up because of it? I don't buy food in the university cafe because I feel guilty wasting money on food. It is not that I don't get hungry. I better keep myself starving than waste my parent's money on food. They already are paying for my education and soon they will marry me off to a stranger to transfer the burden they have been carrying since 1996. 

I am not a saint. But how can they just say mean stuff to me everyday. How much less of a daughter I am. I try my best to fit in this world. I try to be good and kind to people. I mind my own business. I am not a bad person they portray me to be.

My brother and sister have made them proud in multiple ways. I am just a middle child, struggling. I am a trouble. They regret having me. I am just a curse. Allah sent me to pain them with. It is okay you know. It is okay, I guess I deserved this. I should've had not exist in this world at all. To ruin their perfect little family. If I weren't here. Everything would've been so easy and breezy. 

Do you not see why I sometimes feel killing myself?




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.
Post a Comment
Read more

long distance again

 I came back from my trip. It was amazing 2 weeks of my life. Seeing him again after so long felt strange yet peaceful. I finally got to be in his arms again. 2 weeks flew by and now I am back home and back to work and normal hustle and bustle of life.  He got an extension offer and decided to stay for another 3 months. It is sad because he was supposed to be back next month. He asked me if he should take it and despite having my heart aching I supported him in the decision. It is not confirmed yet but he probably be staying another 3. Another 5 months of long distance. How am I going to survive the winter by myself? I don't know. Honestly, in my heart, I don't care about how much compensation he be getting. I miss him so much and this long distance thing is killing me inside. Today is Friday night and instead of cuddles and movie, I am home alone. No plans to look forward. No one to talk to. I am the loneliest girl on earth right now. He is probably sleeping and not picking u...
Post a Comment
Read more

winter together

 Dear B,  Sorry I've been so MIA. Here's the update you missed - My husband came back! He wasn't approved for those 3 months of extension. I've been getting enough cuddles and kisses to survive this winter.  Yes, winter is here. Never underestimate the Canadian winter. It's the worst. Everything is grey and dark. However, I am looking forward to going home in March. I'm so excited to see my friends again. Most importantly my parents and brother. It feels a strange kind of feeling. I am planning to 'visit' the place I was born and call home. It is definitely a new kind of feeling.  Things been okay. We are okay. I am glad to have him back.  We bought a new couch and a coffee table. It's still in back order and I'm impatiently waiting for them to arrive.  Can't believe only 4 days left to 2026. Time is flying so quick. Hope we talk again, B. I swear I missed you!
Post a Comment
Read more