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My mother was never in support of me. I always felt like she was ashamed of me or something. We don't have a close bond. She is a stranger to me for the most part. She hurts me in ways she doesn't even know or care. Today she said why in the first place she gave birth to me? I am such a waste of a child. 
I won't have a baby, ever. After this. I won't want a baby because I wouldn't be able to provide all the things in the world my baby would want. I am obsessed with babies but you know, when I see myself, failing at everything, so unimportant in people's lives, I tell myself. I wouldn't want another of me, to exist in future and suffer. I don't want my traits on it. Unless I am incredibly rich, provide for everything, I wouldn't want another life suffering like me in future. 

You know, I have had enough of it. Listening to all the money problems and the way I live my life. I am just not the daughter they want me to be. 
But do I not beat myself up because of it? I don't buy food in the university cafe because I feel guilty wasting money on food. It is not that I don't get hungry. I better keep myself starving than waste my parent's money on food. They already are paying for my education and soon they will marry me off to a stranger to transfer the burden they have been carrying since 1996. 

I am not a saint. But how can they just say mean stuff to me everyday. How much less of a daughter I am. I try my best to fit in this world. I try to be good and kind to people. I mind my own business. I am not a bad person they portray me to be.

My brother and sister have made them proud in multiple ways. I am just a middle child, struggling. I am a trouble. They regret having me. I am just a curse. Allah sent me to pain them with. It is okay you know. It is okay, I guess I deserved this. I should've had not exist in this world at all. To ruin their perfect little family. If I weren't here. Everything would've been so easy and breezy. 

Do you not see why I sometimes feel killing myself?




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