Everly

I couch exercise. Is  that a thing even? Over-sitting is some-thing I know. So apparently I need to get a life. It's funny how I used to crave for vacation, now when I have it, I feel like I don't worth it. Sitting lazy, reading books and binge watching Modern Family just not bringing out the holiday vibes. You know what I actually wanna do on holidays? Skydiving. Hiking. Exploring places. Sure my life isn't a fairy tale and I am not living a teenage dream. What else should I say to keep it real. I need to get a life. Tomorrow is 31st and all I got is family dinner, saying hi to uncle who just came from America. Oh my pathetic dear life.

Waiting desperately for a new beginning. 2015. A remarkable year for me. Unlike every year, this year has actually made me realize how the world is out there. How to act in a grown up way no matter how much childlike nature I have inside of me. I think every person has a child inside of them, that's why people say- " Act grownup." It's all an act, keeping the mind in illusion. Pretending you're worthy to be called an adult, taking responsibilities and fulfilling them.  How much I have to learn. No there's no measurement there. It's all about how much you can gain, not about how much is there. And I am up for it. I will let myself free off the boundaries and image. I will embarrass myself until I get to the point where I can completely be myself. This is almost the end of the year, the time to reflect. I think God wants you to face your insecurities and your biggest ones. Because once you do it, you get courage. And it's a great reward. I am not ...

Confession. I always want everything to go my way. And my happiness are mostly materialistic. I don't lack substance. It's just that...I have odd obsessions toward houses, decor, gadgets and other worldly things. And I like being alone, because being alone means creativeness. Being alone means you can sort yourself out whenever your life is messy. I'm kind of a control freak. I don't like people butting in my life and advise me how to be. But certain people don't understand that and so I like to take no action. I go for silent treatment. I bury every emotion I feel and just don't act at all. This is how I adjust. Dear 30 year old me, I am hoping you're able to read this while you don't have diabetics, BP or any other disease. I am hoping that you're alive and healthy and aren't ashamed of your body anymore. That you are a strong independent woman with good humor and also a flirt. If you're not any of these things, don't worry, I ...

Reading has always been my friend, pulled me through all the distress life has in for me. I overthink that's my problem. Solution? I overthink.

I have to say I am kind of lost. I want to find the very essence of me where I am happy. Giggly happy. And so I have decided to write myself a list. A list for 2016. There it goes. Buy pretty and comfortable shoes . You're gonna be in varsity soon and trust me. Shoes tell a lot about the person you are. Get rid of those flaky flats and invest all your savings on combat boots or lacy tolerable heels. Trust me. You'll need them. Write. Start a journal. Improve your sentences. Grow a discipline Keep up with other people. Now this is most important. Because you are a business student and you have to engage with people. Make phone calls to your old best friends, chat a while, see how they've been doing. Learn some humor. Laugh it out. Be there for your friends and family. Give yourself treats! Get all dolled up whenever you have a party to attend to. Keep yourself fresh and pretty. Get your lazy ass out the sofa and start taking care of your skin. Drink lots of wate...

I don't know what happened. Why am I keeping my feelings bottled up. I'm so tired. I can't accept myself the way I am. I can't see my face in the mirror. I don't like wearing makeup anymore. And I loathe myself for being too emotional rather than being rational. Why do I have feelings. Why do I care so much and get hurt afterwards. Simply why am I so invested in things? Why can't I keep myself apart? The more I try to stay apart the more I get involved. The more I get hurt. I am not sure if it's that time of the month again but I am just not feeling good or jolly or anything I could identify as positive. Today I wanted to sleep all day and never get up from bed but I had other plans to give prior to. I couldn't stay in bed today, went to my cousin's house to spend some time. Anika and mysha went with me too and I thought it was worth it, getting together and having lunch with them would make me feel good. But I didn't feel good. I was just c...

I figured out what the problem is. I am sick of everybody pointing fingers at me and my family. I would understand if they were perfect in their lives. They judge us like they are oh-so-perfect and doing everything the right way possible. They have this ego which we lack in. I am brought up in such family that I hardly show off my feelings. My parents are emotional and their intentions are always concise. We don't trick people, we certainly don't let them down. My parents are protective of me and I respect that. Because I know how much they care for me. But I am sick of every one of them who thinks there's something wrong with me, my sister or my brother or my parents. We are raised with love and care and my dad has always been kind. But let me be precise. Why am I so upset with my aunties and cousins. They don't understand how hurtful their comments are toward us. Yesterday I went to my cousin's house and all I could see was they were all united in shading my ...

I am dying inside. I don't have to struggle with food, clothing, education, all the basic essentials and internet...Still I am dying inside. Little by little. Everyday. Does anyone know? No it's not that important because it's inside. I belong to a solvent family so there's nothing to be sad about. There's nothing to feel bad about. There's nothing to cry about. Telling that I am unhappy would be illegal. Irrelevant. Selfish.  Telling that I wanna be alone would be dramatic , and telling that I want my freedom would be a shout in the void. I am dying inside I know. I am. I sit everyday in this sofa and I spent all day here. I don't dance, I don't sing like I used to. I don't give a fuck. I just don't feel like I am alive that's all. Not so important. Important are the goals. Important are the things that are ought to be achieved. Important are those people who make you feel how unimportant you are in life. Nobody would ever ask you...

I am in a position where I can write independently and forever about almost anything. I could write a fucking novel about my lazy ass. But I choose not to. Just because I have a laptop and my own personal space doesn't mean I have to write a biography of how many times I screwed up. That won't make any sense. My whole life, I am not making any sense. Anyway, so the morning, dare I say afternoon started with a weird pain in my left knee.It's still paining right now and I almost can't move. It's one thing when both of your legs are mysteriously paining, but mine's just one and  I am starting to feel like I am a one legged person. I can't walk looking like a complete looser now, can't sit without flinching. Evening spent watching Bridget Jones's Diary both the sequels with Mysha on couch with blankets, tea and dry snacks. I recommended the movies, I watched them once myself when my HSC exams were over and thought right away, I would watch them seco...

Omg you won't believe what just happened this morning. I went to college...ok that's kind of believable, because I had to get some official papers done....anyway so meeting him (my man crush back in college days you remember don't you?) was something hard to believe. Because he was supposed to be busy with classes. He used to be always preoccupied, as far as I remember. So when I was like peeking through the teacher's room window, I could only see teachers from science department. I was fine however, I didn't expect him to be there. But then after I came out from our head's office I found him walking in the hallway. Just a second, we glanced at each other and I was almost convinced that I wouldn't meet and greet, I thought it would be awkward, he probably wouldn't recognize me. But then I thought, "When will I be able to see him again? No I can't miss this chance, besides, he already knows I am here, it would be rude if I don't say anyt...

Today was very nice. I had to go with my grandma to the bank this morning to help her pick up her pension fees, The weather was crisp and it lightened up our spirits. The time we were home, I felt like we bonded! If you read my previous posts, you know how much I used to dislike being around her. But these days, I am starting to like her more and more and she's just awesome. So we spent the whole morning going here and there and oh my god it was fun. We had our lunch in the car, fresh oranges and because of the national day of our country that's on 16th, we got to watch jet planes stunts in the sky, noisy tho but I liked being outside. Staying at home is so devastating. I felt kind of weird at first, because in the bank, where the pension receipts are handled, were all the old people coming in. Now point to be noted, I am always awkward around old people because they make me feel someday, I am going to turn out just like them, aged and weak. Anyway, I kind of accepted the ...

I don't know what to say...This afternoon I was crying because I had these failures I couldn't take and whining to my father that he had been partial with us through our education, telling that I was the one studied in semi-orphan missionary school for 7 years and all sorts of sad childhood stories to cover my grief and he frowned at me saying- "How can you accuse me of being partial to your siblings? I never loved any one of you less, how can you say that?" I could see he was hurt and when he left I was in tears, again whining to my mother and grandma how pathetic my life is...etc. Then the whole evening I spent singing karaoke with strangers in an app called Smule. It's a quite popular app, and if you know me, you also know that I sing when I am in distress, so I sang pretty high keys, Rolling in the deep with a lady from China, and Photograph by Ed Sheeran with an American guy. I even got a like on that one. I already reached 35 recordings and having second ...

I am reading a Bangla novel after a very long time. Probably been a year! It's just that, I usually prefer Humayun Ahmed's novel than other writers in our literature and since he died, I kind of stopped reading. I went on buying English novels and thought they were great. So Mysha came few weeks back and she gave me Misir Alir Omnibash, and basically she made me read it. So yeah I just realized how much I missed the suspense stories of Misir Ali. They're so great!! Loving it! These days, I am feeling like I am waiting for something. I don't have any idea why, like in almost 25 days my Varsity life will start, and I won't have time for myself again. I won't be able to read novels again, I won't be thinking so leisurely or be quietly sitting in the veranda, watching and hearing birds. I'll have failures again, I always think of the worst situations. But there's this tiny hope that I won't turn out a shitty student with a shitty grade. But ther...

I hate to be so lazy when I deserve to be. I mean when the exams were on, I napped so well, watched a lot of movies, danced to songs, life was a party. But now when I have loads of free time, I am wasting it on flashbacks and lazy thoughts. I don't even feel like napping all the time. My times are spent dull and daydreaming about my past crushes. Now, I haven't told this to anyone. Today, I thought I should post about the guy I was wholly embarrassed to find physically attractive, I even lied to myself of being it a false spark but now that I have an endless time for recalling things I'd been neglecting all along, I realized it was real, I was attracted, I was having perverted thoughts about that crush. And I am not even sure to write about him. I don't know him and he's a poor guy with a really good body, worked in our basement. and oh my god I can't believe I am writing about it eww. He was uneducated, I guess, I knew very little about him, But he had thi...

My favorite man's birthday today, he's turning 59! Mashallah! I am so thankful to Allah that he was born this day to be my father. I can't really describe how much I love this man. There's no such adjectives as to define him, anything would be an understatement. I am thankful, he's alive, for his health, for his strength and infinite patience. There's no one that I could count on but him, he's my superhero. He's a blessing. He's a gift to us all. Oh I love him. Please Allah, make him live longer than me, much much longer! I cannot imagine to live in this crazy world without his sanity. The world needs more kind people like him. His intentions are nothing but goodness, just too much goodness. Anything I'll write, should be injustice to bring out the unconditional love I have for him. He's just TOO GOOD of a human. Happy Birthday My SWEET ABBU! I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY. PLEASE DON'T EVER LEAVE ME. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. 

Body shaming should be made illegal. It should not be a topic of interest. Tho I might have something to say against this subject...It's more effective and vulgar when a person is self-shamed. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, it matters how you take it. It just creates a brand new perspective of seeing yourself. Let's just reflect on a personal story. When I was a toddler, I was picky in food. Not because I was conscious of my body or anything, I was just being a kid. I ate only what gave me pleasure to the tongue and I never felt hungry enough to have a heavy meal. Because I was always depended on my mother for the food department. I never even thought a bit about nutrition or anything related to the body. Everything came to the taste. And that I guess was legit because I was just a kid. So I grew as the skinniest girl in my family, my siblings were healthy but I was often teased why am I so indifferent toward food. I was often forced to eat a egg, boiled ...

Today I have to visit one of my aunts who came from Australia last night with her family. I'm psyched to meet her but also it's going to be awkward after this huge gap that taken place between me and her eldest kid. So my cousin brother, who was a 7 year old maybe when they were in Dhaka and I don't know how the friendship happened. I was maybe 12/13? I forgot. Anyway, so he used to follow me around like a puppy, and I used to spend a lot of time with him playing because my mom used to go to that house frequently, most occasions. So yeah, I was forced to play with a kid. He used to hold my hand wherever I go, like that trip in Sunderban with his family, he was always clinging to me like I was his only friend. I can't blame him, he was a kid back then. But now that I think it through, what odd friendship it was! Then when he went to Australia, I kind of missed him and my aunt was added to facebook, so I used to see their pictures. He had a brother few years ago and no...

can you believe, in our country they blocked instagram, facebook, whats app, viber everything...I just can't take it anymore. This is holiday month, How brutal! I understand if they block fb but instagram was like my daily med for frustration. I cannot stalk Jensen Ackles now, he just recently joined insta and you have no idea how adorable his picture is with his baby girl! There's gonna be more and I will get nothing because of stupid network error!!! Anyway I was forced then to go to our rooftop in the evening because I had nothing to do...:( I walked, Cool breeze, stars, everything was heaven, And I took my headphones, listened to Adele songs. It was.. amazing. I am going back tomorrow first thing in the morning, pride and prejudice by jane austen, and a cup of tea in my hand...Omg I just had my whole vacation planned. This is gonna be my winter ritual.  I redesigned my blog today I was that bored. So how is it?? I chose the background image because it is so fall! A...

Last night I had this midnight talk with my father and he shared his stories with me. I asked him if he were determined to be an engineer when he was younger. The answer was in affirmative, he was very passionate from the very start of his youth. My father was born in a village and lived in a free environment, where he could go fishing middle of the day, dive into canal water and make spit ball gun with hijal and climb trees and run poultry in his humble house where he used to live with 5 other siblings. He told me about his primary school. It was in one room with 5 benches. Every bench signified a class, so he had to sit in class with kindergartens and classes up to five...He said his high school was standard however, it was in Nobabgonj and he studied a very good deal there. So when did he realize he wanted to be an engineer? He used to make objects out of clays. He said one time he made a mouse out of it, shaped a tail almost as real and everyone was praising him. He once made a...

Lots of cries today. I could blame it on my period but I have my own other reasons. I let my parents make all decisions for me and now I feel like it was a bad idea. I don't have any control over my life or any situations . whenever I am in charge (which has been a very few times) I almost black out..I'm gonna study in business and I don't have the qualities that could certify me as a student of it...I cried today suddenly, everyone was confused of my reaction and I told them I don't deserve to be spent that amount of money on my BBA I think I'm gonna suck I'm gonna be a failure. I never crossed the road without holding my parent's hand...never have I chosen a dress without their approval...I've never done anything without them!!! All because they treated me as kid, as their baby. Never let me be a young adult. And now I feel like it's my biggest challenge. Parents supposed to make children's life better by leaving the hardest decisions for...

I had cut my hair short again. At first I didn't want to but then I thought I should make a new start. Then it got me thinking, in just one month I will make a start as a university student. And it stressed me out... Like these days movies don't suffice. I just don't feel like I deserve some entertainment you know and even if I did what could I possibly do in just a month? My grandma interferes every occasion in my life right now,just everything. I don't get to do anything fun, whenever I am about to do something she's gonna have a say in that. It sucks I know. I am my own person and I like to do things my way but she has to give a say how her son and daughters are legends and all because of how she raised them...OK I'm whining again..this is no good but can you blame me? After 6 stressful months I just wanted to have some control over my life and some peace. With her being here, I find no peace ,no fun only bossiness and bitchiness and she's a huge fault ...

Last night of freedom...:( Before I proceed let me tell you this wonderful news that-  I've got selected for BRAC! I know most people are like- it takes NOTHING to get an admission there. They take you for the MONEY. But hear me say- stupid people don't get in. I had to go through a competitive (less but not nothing) written test and a viva for it. If it were all about money they would've taken me without an exam. SO. Guilty as charged. We are going to live in the streets. Oh no. Just kidding. But my father will have to go through this huge pressure, six figure, really a huge amount to pay as we're hardly above the middle class. But anyway I am gonna try to get a scholarship and improve myself as much as I can to save him off some misery. I am so damn excited to be in the university. I mean, it will be crazy. There's gonna be a lot of people involved...and from both sexes!  I mean it was a terror studying in all girls' college, but now I guess it's goin...

I don't know, I am just not ready to accept that everything I once planned had gone to astray. Dhaka University...and all that I thought was possible; has now gone over my head...nothing I can do now to make things alright. Things slipped my hands, I was almost at the edge of fulfilling my dreams and now I am here, not at all proud of myself. It's okay I guess to finally finding it hard to accept I am getting nowhere and my parents have to spend so much money on my education whether or not I deserve it. Because I had this all fancied, I had fancied I would get into public I had fancied I would for once in my life make them proud of their daughter. Then again, it all comes down to let things go with grace and look forward to the future. Though it's the ultimate solution, it's the hardest one to do. I have to accept where I am standing right now. Because that's where I really am. All the could haves and should haves are just illusions. They are not gonna do me an...

I spent a very nice day today...And I realized the reason that it was nice is me. I took everything in a positive way today and I felt energies build up in me all positive. I was smiling and sending away those positive vibes and everything just fell into place. I felt I belong, I am a better person and I have many capabilities. So yeah, here's to a GOOD DAY!

Love the Jamaican beats!

Success is paper goal to me right now. I know most of the regrets in life come from not accomplishing much but the more I'm growing the more I'm getting tired of this cliche. I know my parents are going to spend tons of money over my education and I swear if I were in America I would have taken the job of a waiter or be a librarian or just be a youtuber for living. I honestly don't have any higher goals in life, I just want to be loved and cared like a baby. This sounds so immature but seriously these days I've been craving for love and positive vibes. I can finance myself when the time comes. I always choose the easy way possible in life, which will lead to a very few accomplishments but I don't care. I can silently work hard and get a dream fulfilled but ultimately it won't matter to me much, Dreams are constant . Literacy just feeds the soul not the stomach. But it has so many valuable aspects that none can deny. See for Tagore. Did he care for any degre...

I feel like I am so emotionally invested in relationships. Stop. You're thinking- oh.boyfriends. I hate when people do that, they jump into conclusions just like that. Anyway, when I say relationships I mean relationship with my family and friends. I am such an emotional person. I always try to make everyone happy and equally satisfied and then I forget how stupid that is. I am clinging to what will be taken away from me someday and forever. Nobody is here for anyone. Love comes with pain. And I am always hungry for affection, love, friendly attitude which are not eternal but scarce. Sometimes I wish I could be a bitch and ditch everyone else and just be free. I don't have the tiniest bitchiness in me. I am so emotionally attached that I almost love the people who doesn't even care I exist. I feel hate heating up when someone misjudges me, but I fail to fight back. which is happening every point in my life right now. I accidentally hurt people who truly love me. And ...

Let today be the day you learn the grace of letting go and the power of moving on. — Steve Maraboli

Take a moment and say Alhamdulillah It is one of those moments when you suddenly grow faith in the silver linings. People say Alhamdulillah most often and when they’re happy and healthy and trying to sound all Islamic. But I frankly now, repeating the word in my mind, to genuinely thank the almighty, whom I call Allah. But every time I’m feeling like I am not thanking Him enough for this pretty wonderful life I’ve been given. When I say life, I don’t mean the money, the house, the food, the technologies or the manmade stuff. I don’t know, how short my life is, but what I do know is that it has been precious. He has blessed me with a lovely family. Caring parents. Big sis and a twin brother who are now all alive and healthy Alhamdulillah. What can I ask for. I have all the real things in life that matters. A family to come home to. Can’t put in words how blessed I am. Everyone has different definitions toward life. In media, they have this instagram and youtube version...

I really wanna know what life has in store for me. I can do anything if I just go against my nerve. I can achieve anything just doing that. But here's the twist. All the bad things go with my nerve and all the good things are hard to get. You can easily get addicted to a bad habit but you have to strive for things that are good for you.  How that theory not work for anyone. Self control is the key. And I don't have that. I fight it. Then I crumble. To heal a wound they say, give it time. Trust me, the more time you take to accept things, the more are you wounding yourself. You're not healing. You're fighting the truth. So don't give it time. Accept it. Swing back. Do the things that will hurt you less. Use preventive measures. Elasticity. The ability of an object or material to resume its normal shape after being stretched or compressed. That's your heart. That's you. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, you actually can take it to the n...

sucking the life outta meh.

Didn't get into DU. No Hard Feelings.I moved on already. I am relieved tho. It has been an awful experience but I learned a lot through it. And let me quote this awesome line- Failure is the pillar of success.   And I am so blessed that my parents aren't less proud of me, they appreciated that I stood among those 2500 out of 7000 who passed out of 47000. I was in bed for 15 days last month because of Dengu and still I managed to face this test. And so my parents have been so understanding and seriously, at this moment all I needed was a little support and they have given me oh-so-more than that. I am so thankful to them that they still appreciated me  instead of letting me down. They're the source of my courage. I am gonna do full-on studies and this time- it's gonna be different. I would not force myself to studying, I would be delightfully doing it. And face the exams with full grace.

Now I'm thinking, "Was I over prepared? Cause my head was all over the place." :-( The question paper was easy. But I only felt that when I got home. I am disappointed at myself for thinking too much in the examination hall. I just got scared and possessive of the marks. I didn't want my right answers to be cut out by negative marking. So I could have answered 85 percent of the questions and I answered only 70 percent. SO there you go. I am not getting into DU. The results gonna be out in three days and I already have set my mind to the next stage. I have to do something, I thought I would feel a relief today because finally the exam would be over and I wouldn't have to study for 5 big subjects at a row, but I am not feeling any relief. My hard work didn't pay off. I was miserable there. I have to work harder and make sure this doesn't happen at any exams in my life because that feeling is unbearable. When you doubt yourself in the exam hall- it's t...

*Exhales* Only 5 days left till the entrance exam. How am I doing? I don't know. My preparation certainly isn't up to the mark. But I'm always telling myself to keep trying. Miracles happen and what I understood about myself is that- I can work hard on anything that once I set my mind to, even when I am late to realize it. Most of the times I had lost it and been completely miserable and slept for abnormal hours. But now I am changing for good. I hope.  The more I am studying the more it's fucking with my mind. The more my confidence is getting shaken up. But one thing that is clear and out of my understanding is that- this is not the end. Life awaits me . And things will get better and better, even if it gets worse, it will get better eventually. IF I don't get into DU my life will be a little miserable, but I will get over it and grow. What do I have to lose? At least now I know that- I can do hard work. I am not that lazy girl I thought I were, I mean ye...

Beautiful!!!

Oh my gosh I am so gonna enjoy this. So what happened is, the girl who works at our house, is a thief. She steals our things and puts them underneath her clothes in her drawer. She is leaving our house tomorrow so my mom kind of sneaked in her drawers when she went to bath. And guess what she found. My fav shade of nail polish and all sorts of things we've been missing out at our house. So my mom took back all of those without her knowing.Yeah, We stole back our things. Now I am just waiting for her reaction. HAHAHA. This is so fun. We all know and she'll know but we're gonna be completely zip up about this. YEEEK!

Oh my god, I just had the best dinner of the year. My mom's beef vuna is the food of the GODS. I just couldn't stop eating, it melted in my mouth, so soft and enticing. I closed my eyes and devoured piece after piece not worrying a bit about how I am getting so chubby these days. Anyway, I came here to tell you how's my life. I am recovered Alhamdulillah, and I have been healthier than before. My insomnia has recovered too with the dengu, it made me so weak I couldn't help but fall asleep at night. In a way, it helped me to get a normal lifestyle and I am kind of healthy now. My appetites are back and I have never been so present everyday, like every moment I am aware and my thoughts don't torment me anymore all because of the book I am reading, The Power of Now I am just loving this self improvement book, it suggests to focus on the present. The past, future and time are delusions, the present, the now is all you have. It just helped release some tension and I...

i am so sick of the bed. my hair stinks. i miss shampoo. sometimes i feel like im gonna die out, i get scared now sleeping alone just one night. i miss my other hand that was stuck with saline thingie whenever i move my blood goes up so my mom had literally been watching me pee. i feel absolutely vulnerable when i think about my admission test, time is ticking. and im not. wonder how a tiny mosquito bite could get you this much sick? i just realize now how much i could have studied these past week, just gone now, for falling sick this crucial time of my life . Pls Allah. Make me strong and fully recovered, i have so much left to do in this short time. so much.

Everything's just falling apart..........................:(

Hate being sick but love the attention my parents are giving me. Cried last night for I've not been the daughter they deserve, I don't worth this much care. I mean seriously, how did I end up having the nicest, selfless, sweetest parents in the world?  

Telepathy.  Oh gosh. I am having this supernatural activities in my mind recently, not sure it's because I've been binge-watching Supernatural (The tv show of two most handsomest brothers haunting ghosts, spirits and stuffs) this week. Wha- I can't help it. Do you have any idea how awesome Jensen Ackles looks on every freaking episode of that show? I pause every time he puts on his hot and steamy look and oh gosh, he's so perfect with those lips and green eyes and do not even get me started on other sexy parts of his body! Now I am going to say the weirdest thing, that I'm craving to do to his face lately - I wanna lick his sideburns! I don't know why I have this fetish toward him, seriously, but who am I kidding?  That sexy jawline tho, how can anyone resist not to...lick it? ...Umm..Let's just change the subject, shall we? SO yeah. Last night I had this weirdest dream, I was running back and forth in my house, like FLASH and when I woke up I was in s...

Repetition Repetition Repetition. I am so glad to find my uniqueness from everybody in the class. It's just so fascinating to find myself rather than being it. Now, the only thing that I have to do, is to stick with it so it never makes its way out. I am in a process of making it long term. It's amazing how when you're lost, you find your ways through it. It's a gift you give yourself. All the answers are there, in your head, you just have to look for it, within you. Inside. The only control that you have with you is inside your head. So to dominate is to dominate your mind. And act without thinking numerous ways. Just fucking do it. Then criticize. Reconsider your action. Again ACT. Like management skill. And it's funny because, I'm a business student, I've known this trick since high school but never have I thought of applying it to the mess I had been living. I mean seriously, the things you search all along, thinking that it's out there, ...

YAY. Things are getting better. :)

You are more than your body. So much. So much more than your skin you are.  here's a backstory.  When I was in my old school there was this girl in our class. She was an orphan. I can't remember her name, just the face.I would describe her as- slumdog. Sorry. I used to avoid being around her as much as possible until one day, we were assigned a group task by my Bengali teacher. I wanted to pack my bags and leave far far away rather just do the task with her . But oh well I was the team captain. Now let me be honest, I skipped the whole thing. I gave her and few members of our team do the work and I told them I would give the final touch to the short essay we were about to present to the whole class and our teacher later that week.  But what happened then, the day we were about to finish our work, my grandma died. And so I have to bail on them, skip school. When I came back to school it was the presentation day, so I apologized to them saying I had no lame excuse;...

Today went unexpectedly well. It could've been better tho. I mean. Yeah sure it was unexpected and sudden plan but I still expected it to go swiftly. It almost. Then I was tired. And for some reason I felt like I was plotted to do something I didn't. Here's the thing you need to understand about me. I don't get twisted circumstances, unless I am spoken directly. SO you have to tell me exactly what you want or I won't get it at first. I will get home and then get what you said. It's not that I am slow(I'm kinda slow) it's just that- I'm an after critic. I have an absence of wit and currency. I have the presence of it when I am alone in my room, replaying all the moments spent, feeling like the silliest girl on earth. And I am so not worth it. I am not an infant. I did what I thought was right at that moment, I didn't think that I would be misjudged. Look at that- HOW complicated I sound when I'm home? It's where I over-think stuffs. T...

I feel like shit when I find it hard to fall asleep and when I fight against sleep. Trust me, I could write a fucking novel on my deprivation of sleep and over-doing it for ages now. Nobody knows my pain. I don't even have a clue when I am awake. I can't concentrate, I can't eat, I can't think properly. And when I am asleep, I'm a pig. My life is a chaos. I have no rules. No rituals. I do kinda have a ritual tho-I write things. I keep all the memories as an aid for the future. I keep feeding myself with thoughts. Never have I followed one good ritual that could benefit my health. Never did I think of an aid to remember all the important information the textbooks have to offer...The fear of suffering and failure have already conquered my mind and there's no room for happy thoughts. I just hate to be in this position but every time I find myself in it.  If only I had learnt how to sleep like normal healthy person. My life would not be this miserable. I fe...