world war?

I am reading a Bangla novel after a very long time. Probably been a year! It's just that, I usually prefer Humayun Ahmed's novel than other writers in our literature and since he died, I kind of stopped reading. I went on buying English novels and thought they were great. So Mysha came few weeks back and she gave me Misir Alir Omnibash, and basically she made me read it. So yeah I just realized how much I missed the suspense stories of Misir Ali. They're so great!! Loving it!

These days, I am feeling like I am waiting for something. I don't have any idea why, like in almost 25 days my Varsity life will start, and I won't have time for myself again. I won't be able to read novels again, I won't be thinking so leisurely or be quietly sitting in the veranda, watching and hearing birds. I'll have failures again, I always think of the worst situations. But there's this tiny hope that I won't turn out a shitty student with a shitty grade. But there will be pressure. No matter what, I will have to get a scholarship and do you know, I had never achieved a scholarship in my life, I've always been an average student. So this is a challenge for me and I am kind of worried about it. For my parents expect that highly of me, I don't wanna let them down. I'll feel bad if I do. I have already done it twice. SO I can't let it happen again for the third time. 

I don't have a clue what is happening inside of my mind. I don't know if I am happy at this moment. Or sad. Like I always know what I am feeling.But these days, I don't keep myself posted of how am I doing. They say, All girls have bipolar tendencies. One moment they're laughing and then they are in tears again. I don't know what emotions I am keeping inside nowadays. Am I happy? Satisfied? Now satisfied is a word I don't wanna use because that is like a word from a fairy tale. I am not even a specialist of my mental health but I am often aware whatever goes in my head.But these days I am unconscious of my core self, not much happening out there. Apparently my mind is a blue calm sea. And not sure if I am liking it. I've become quiet in sort and lazier than I was, only lazier in sense. I find no motivation to do anything, sorely because of my zero accomplishments, maybe I am giving myself a sort of punishment. Subconsciously being unconscious. There. Like all other times I finally have managed to update myself of my current state of mind.