Skip to main content
I am dying inside.

I don't have to struggle with food, clothing, education, all the basic essentials and internet...Still I am dying inside. Little by little. Everyday. Does anyone know? No it's not that important because it's inside. I belong to a solvent family so there's nothing to be sad about. There's nothing to feel bad about. There's nothing to cry about. Telling that I am unhappy would be illegal. Irrelevant. Selfish. 

Telling that I wanna be alone would be dramatic, and telling that I want my freedom would be a shout in the void.

I am dying inside I know. I am. I sit everyday in this sofa and I spent all day here. I don't dance, I don't sing like I used to. I don't give a fuck. I just don't feel like I am alive that's all. Not so important. Important are the goals. Important are the things that are ought to be achieved. Important are those people who make you feel how unimportant you are in life. Nobody would ever ask you how are you so they can hear how you really are. These are small talks to get to the point. The point is not how you're feeling; the point is how much you succeeded, how much you're happy with your material self, how much frustrated you are with your failures in life; that is what it's really about.

There's war in Syria. People are dying. So I can't be unhappy with what I have. I should hashtag blessed. I should say- "No thank god I am not born there. Oh thank god, I have everything. I have everything I need to survive. I cannot be unhappy! How selfish that is to say I want more. I want to have more. How selfish that is to go after what I love. Love? What is that? Hobby? What the fuck is that?"

There's a universal rule-Don't take things for granted. 
There's more- You could be worse than this!
Life is not a bed of roses.
You should be thankful. 

You know I am thankful, I am. I have a loving family. I don't know what struggle is, I don't strive for food. I have never been in a country of war, I have never been in crisis. I haven't felt enough pain to have a right to be sad. I haven't been through enough to say- I can't take it anymore. Why. Why doesn't anyone understand pain cannot be measured in the same scale!  Depression does not go away seeing other people's crisis. 

I have every right to be sad. I have every right to show my feelings, good or bad. Does not relate to anyone.Emotions come from within. It is not external.You feel bad because you feel it. Inside of you. Comes from you. You react to things. Not the world. The world doesn't make you smile or bring you tears, You do. You, yourself do it. And you have every right to be emotional or have scattered feelings.Just because others have it worse than you, doesn't make you a happy person. It doesn't do anything. Emotion is like a locked box and only you have the key.
























Comments

Popular posts from this blog

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.

long distance again

 I came back from my trip. It was amazing 2 weeks of my life. Seeing him again after so long felt strange yet peaceful. I finally got to be in his arms again. 2 weeks flew by and now I am back home and back to work and normal hustle and bustle of life.  He got an extension offer and decided to stay for another 3 months. It is sad because he was supposed to be back next month. He asked me if he should take it and despite having my heart aching I supported him in the decision. It is not confirmed yet but he probably be staying another 3. Another 5 months of long distance. How am I going to survive the winter by myself? I don't know. Honestly, in my heart, I don't care about how much compensation he be getting. I miss him so much and this long distance thing is killing me inside. Today is Friday night and instead of cuddles and movie, I am home alone. No plans to look forward. No one to talk to. I am the loneliest girl on earth right now. He is probably sleeping and not picking u...

winter together

 Dear B,  Sorry I've been so MIA. Here's the update you missed - My husband came back! He wasn't approved for those 3 months of extension. I've been getting enough cuddles and kisses to survive this winter.  Yes, winter is here. Never underestimate the Canadian winter. It's the worst. Everything is grey and dark. However, I am looking forward to going home in March. I'm so excited to see my friends again. Most importantly my parents and brother. It feels a strange kind of feeling. I am planning to 'visit' the place I was born and call home. It is definitely a new kind of feeling.  Things been okay. We are okay. I am glad to have him back.  We bought a new couch and a coffee table. It's still in back order and I'm impatiently waiting for them to arrive.  Can't believe only 4 days left to 2026. Time is flying so quick. Hope we talk again, B. I swear I missed you!