Skip to main content

A depressing note.

I feel like I am so emotionally invested in relationships. Stop. You're thinking- oh.boyfriends. I hate when people do that, they jump into conclusions just like that.

Anyway, when I say relationships I mean relationship with my family and friends. I am such an emotional person. I always try to make everyone happy and equally satisfied and then I forget how stupid that is. I am clinging to what will be taken away from me someday and forever. Nobody is here for anyone. Love comes with pain. And I am always hungry for affection, love, friendly attitude which are not eternal but scarce. Sometimes I wish I could be a bitch and ditch everyone else and just be free. I don't have the tiniest bitchiness in me. I am so emotionally attached that I almost love the people who doesn't even care I exist. I feel hate heating up when someone misjudges me, but I fail to fight back. which is happening every point in my life right now.

I accidentally hurt people who truly love me. And I feel as much as hurt they feel then. And people whom I barely know, I can't hurt them even in a thousand decades, I don't know why, but my voice does not rise. When I should be screaming at them I keep bowing my head down. Which gives them the power to hurt me. I feel completely unarmed and that happened so many times that I lost the counts.

Allah knows me. He knows how fool I make myself all the time. I look at this outside world with awe and love where there is no love that I can find. No one is going to babysit you like your parents. You are 19 and people are going to treat you like you've known life for 27 years. They will expect more from you. And if you fail to impress, they are going to throw you away like a junk.

Emotions are what makes human, human. And I feel like I have a canal that floods up with it. My parents are the softest, kindest people and I got that from their genes.Trouble-Trouble everywhere. I am getting offended more and more by people's words and every time I feel a shock. How can someone be so heartless. You have to earn everything nowadays. How? By showing. You're a fool if you keep your feelings inside your head. You have to rage, fight back and show off. What you're thinking inside, stays inside. They are of no values. The people who are successful are successful at showing how much successful they are.

There's no room for emotions out there. Where will I dump them? 
 

















Comments

Popular posts from this blog

 Some thoughts. Our old generation glorified selfless acts to the point that they started calling putting themselves first as: 'selfish.'  To a certain period of time, I have also followed this pattern.  I thought taking care of me is selfish.  Where taking care of me is fundamental.  You cannot pour out of a cup, which is empty.  So pour yourself first.   I have to unlearn so many of these toxic patterns because these have made my life only miserable and problematic. I am learning that evolving is crucial for living with inner peace.  These days, I value so much about inner peace.  I'll choose it over others anytime, and it is not selfish. It is in fact for greater good.

An origin story

Dear Blog. Thank you for giving me space to write. Although in this world, where cloud technology prevails, there is no worrying about it. But hey,I, thank you for storing my thoughts. Stupid, meaningless thoughts. I assure you, I will keep coming back. I know since coming home from the residential semester, I've been a bit distracted. I've been posting things, I felt vague about. I used to write things effortlessly. I never forced myself to type up things, experiences or events. All these posts have been posted because they contributed to my daily life and I had to write them up before they slowly fade away from my memory. And some things I didn't make a post about as some things were better to be forgotten and removed from the past. Mind that. Dear Blog, I created you almost four years ago. These four years, I've kept you posted. Maybe some days. I didn't because you know why. Those days I felt blue and couldn't get up from bed. But you learned my stor...

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.