Skip to main content
I feel like shit when I find it hard to fall asleep and when I fight against sleep. Trust me, I could write a fucking novel on my deprivation of sleep and over-doing it for ages now. Nobody knows my pain. I don't even have a clue when I am awake. I can't concentrate, I can't eat, I can't think properly. And when I am asleep, I'm a pig.

My life is a chaos. I have no rules. No rituals. I do kinda have a ritual tho-I write things. I keep all the memories as an aid for the future. I keep feeding myself with thoughts. Never have I followed one good ritual that could benefit my health. Never did I think of an aid to remember all the important information the textbooks have to offer...The fear of suffering and failure have already conquered my mind and there's no room for happy thoughts. I just hate to be in this position but every time I find myself in it. 

If only I had learnt how to sleep like normal healthy person. My life would not be this miserable. I feel like I'm in outer space. I have no track of time. I hate how I look how I weight. I hate that I haven't figured out what to become. Why can't I just start fresh and smooth, why can't I just reborn and learn to control my sleep hours so I spend a lot more time on earth not in bed. I want to change so bad but it's sooooooooo hard! I am trying and trying and trying and I seriously can't take it anymore of this reversed sleep cycle. I want to wake up in the morning fresh and rested and creative, productive, happy, smiley, not cranky, tired, dozy, depressed, ugly etc. I have a long list going of being miserable. 

Can I recover, just like that. Can I just wake up one morning and be completely recovered from it? Can it just happen to me. Can it just happen.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

 Some thoughts. Our old generation glorified selfless acts to the point that they started calling putting themselves first as: 'selfish.'  To a certain period of time, I have also followed this pattern.  I thought taking care of me is selfish.  Where taking care of me is fundamental.  You cannot pour out of a cup, which is empty.  So pour yourself first.   I have to unlearn so many of these toxic patterns because these have made my life only miserable and problematic. I am learning that evolving is crucial for living with inner peace.  These days, I value so much about inner peace.  I'll choose it over others anytime, and it is not selfish. It is in fact for greater good.
Post a Comment
Read more

An origin story

Dear Blog. Thank you for giving me space to write. Although in this world, where cloud technology prevails, there is no worrying about it. But hey,I, thank you for storing my thoughts. Stupid, meaningless thoughts. I assure you, I will keep coming back. I know since coming home from the residential semester, I've been a bit distracted. I've been posting things, I felt vague about. I used to write things effortlessly. I never forced myself to type up things, experiences or events. All these posts have been posted because they contributed to my daily life and I had to write them up before they slowly fade away from my memory. And some things I didn't make a post about as some things were better to be forgotten and removed from the past. Mind that. Dear Blog, I created you almost four years ago. These four years, I've kept you posted. Maybe some days. I didn't because you know why. Those days I felt blue and couldn't get up from bed. But you learned my stor...
3 comments
Read more

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.
Post a Comment
Read more