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I feel like shit when I find it hard to fall asleep and when I fight against sleep. Trust me, I could write a fucking novel on my deprivation of sleep and over-doing it for ages now. Nobody knows my pain. I don't even have a clue when I am awake. I can't concentrate, I can't eat, I can't think properly. And when I am asleep, I'm a pig.

My life is a chaos. I have no rules. No rituals. I do kinda have a ritual tho-I write things. I keep all the memories as an aid for the future. I keep feeding myself with thoughts. Never have I followed one good ritual that could benefit my health. Never did I think of an aid to remember all the important information the textbooks have to offer...The fear of suffering and failure have already conquered my mind and there's no room for happy thoughts. I just hate to be in this position but every time I find myself in it. 

If only I had learnt how to sleep like normal healthy person. My life would not be this miserable. I feel like I'm in outer space. I have no track of time. I hate how I look how I weight. I hate that I haven't figured out what to become. Why can't I just start fresh and smooth, why can't I just reborn and learn to control my sleep hours so I spend a lot more time on earth not in bed. I want to change so bad but it's sooooooooo hard! I am trying and trying and trying and I seriously can't take it anymore of this reversed sleep cycle. I want to wake up in the morning fresh and rested and creative, productive, happy, smiley, not cranky, tired, dozy, depressed, ugly etc. I have a long list going of being miserable. 

Can I recover, just like that. Can I just wake up one morning and be completely recovered from it? Can it just happen to me. Can it just happen.

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"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
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