Everly

  I never felt how love feel. I never felt being loved. All I felt is a shit load of anxiety and the pain of abandonment. I named them love because I thought this is what I deserve. I thought “okay nobody is going to care this much. I am supposed to be grateful that I am    being noticed” Love should not give you this feeling. Love should make you feel safe. Love should make time for you. Love won’t always understand you but will make an effort to be there for you. Love should be the one you trust when the world feels too heavy. Love shouldn’t make you feel you are optional. Love should make you feel you are most important part of their life just like you count love most important part of your life. Love should feel warm. Love should feel happy. Love should feel like the feeling you feel wrapped up in a a comfy blanket during a cold night. Love’s voice should assure you, you’re not alone in this.  No I was never in love. I never had experienced such divine feeling....

Dear B, I am so tired of everything. Suddenly, the thought of not existing seems like an easy way out. I don't know why I am feeling like this. My life is not perfect but it is not bad either. I am well nourished (maybe a little obese), both my parents are alive and healthy alhamdulillah, I have a job, I have people in my life who care about me. Yet I feel so, tired of everything. Living, showering, waking up, working, eating, sleeping, everything. I just again, feel like I don't have a purpose. I am not helping poor people. I am not contributing to research, I am not inventing anything that could help the human kind, I am not smart, I am not intelligent. I have a hard time remembering things. What good am I doing, living? I used to look up to my friends. I used to admire them. These days, I don't feel like meeting them even. I just feel like I have outgrown them or I have all this time, just pretended to be someone so that they accept me.  I do feel for them...When one of ...

  After a month of feeling numb, I've started to feel things again. I went shopping today. Today was different because 1. I knew what I wanted for myself 2. I made a list prior to going shopping 3. I was bold about what I wanted. Guess what, I managed to avoid buyer's remorse. However, I did buy a pair of jean's that wasn't a good fit. I can fix that though. Just needs a little stitching, that's all. I learned from this experience that it is so much better when you make a list of things you want and stick to it. I can apply to selecting a partner as well. Of course, it will not be like a shopping list. It will create a sense of qualities that I look for and will not negotiate or settle for less. We are human beings and I may not get a perfect partner but I have to see if the person has some qualities that outweighs that bad ones and I can make a deal without having to compromise too much.  Like that pair of jeans I bargained for. It is not a perfect fit. How...

 Dear B, I just couldn't bring myself here. Your girl has been busy. Being an adult is a general drama with occasional anxiety attacks and some fleeting moments of joy. It's like you do have good moments, but you only understand the significance of them after they have passed. Relationships become excruciating. Suddenly, you are responsible for yourself and nobody is going to approve of you acting like a child! I just realized, I haven't been an adult 'mentally' as I should have been before. I am also unsure if I am being a proper adult. You see, I still rely hugely on my parents and I also sometimes don't trust my own judgements. Basically, I am suffering! Suddenly I am caught up between crisis of life and decisions. Major decisions that I am required to make and I still don't know if I am mentally prepared for it. Finances! Marriage! Career! Family! Old age! Parents!  I wake up, I work, I spend some meaningless time scrolling social media and then I go to ...

 I have this self blaming game I cannot quit. Anything worse happens, the first tendency is to blame myself. I had a bad day at work today and it was not because I did anything wrong. My performance is spotless. It is a completely external issue that I have nothing to do with. However, I kept blaming myself for it. I broke down in tears in my lunch break. Thank god I am working from home. Nobody saw me like that. Anyway, so there I was, sobbing, thinking I was the "issue" and I didn't give my 100%.  I give my everything when I set my mind to something. This job is something that I gave my everything to. I worked seamlessly and with utter dedication. The pay is not something I look at when I am working. I give more than I am paid for. I care about this job because it gave me a purpose to wake up. It made me learn something totally new and astounding and I started believing in myself again.  However, I tossed everything aside, the moment I had one bad day. Just one. Which h...

 I used to love weekends but these days I kind of prefer weekdays. The pandemic is still on. The death rates have been higher than ever. I am stuck at home and feeling detached from everything. I thought after getting a job and "some" financial independence, I would worry less about the future. Turns out, it is making me worry even more. With this pandemic being on, I am losing all the good times I am supposed to enjoy at this age. Only 4 months left of this year. Time is moving so fast. Stupid corona ruined all of our lives.

Why is it important to seek closure. Why it important to have a healthy discussion over things that took space in your mind for days and making you lose apatite.  Trust me, it's all worth it. It's going to give you a full night's sleep and an end to emotional draining thoughts. I had been talking with this guy for like more than a month and we were mostly lusting over each other. We both knew we did not see a future together. It started to get confusing and at some point intense. I liked him but the idea of "us" did not make sense. However, I could not stop talking with him. We could not go on a date due to lockdown. I was kind of hoping secretly we don't. I did not want to get more attached. He is a decent guy and amidst some bad days and some good days, he was there for me. I will miss him. I am also glad it is over between us. I need to keep searching for the love and if I get stuck like this, I would not be able to find love. The most amazing thing was tha...

I was mostly in dark about men all my teenage life. I did not know how they function. I could not even look them in the eyes and talk. It is so weird how I perceived them. The only men in my life were from family and I used to shut my mouth around other men...I used to watch a lot of romantic shows and movies and even dreamt about getting married but never actually processed the "dating" or "talking" to a man to reach to that point. It is so embarrassing to think back. If I were normal around men, trying to get to know men, trying to be myself around men, I would not be this confused person.  For me now, I just look at them as a validation bank.  It is not healthy to be overly attached to the image they create for me. I do not know what I am. I only know the person I am based on what they say to me. One of the reasons, us girls get emotionally attached to a man is because we think what they think is so much important and special. Living in a patriarchal society, our...

 The whole country is in shut down again. I do not know how many years this virus will torment us like this. All I know is, it will not leave us any time soon.  The only good thing among the bad things this year is that, I got the job. My first legit job. I worked hard for it. My challenges do not end here. There is so much to learn and grow. I am just happy I landed where I wanted to be.  I am so distant though, kind of disconnected from people. Friends.  I feel alone but okay with it.  I know if I die now, I won't be remembered as much. My family will mourn but the people I encountered with in life will not have much affect in their lives me being gone. This is the most harsh truth of life. This does not pain me. It is only practical because I have not made a change/impact. My energy has not been so forceful or fierce. My soul energy is timid and careful. When you are a person like that, you are easily forgotten. I am okay with that sort of identity. Ultimatel...

 After a week of doing night shift schedule, I am here basking in sunlight. I realized how much impact sun has on our moods and body. My new routine is certainly affecting my mental state. It is not that I am depressed or anything. Honestly, I am too busy in week days to be depressed. I just feel dead inside. And it is all because I am seeing night time more than day time. My office started. Getting out of home feels so sane. I almost feel like a human now. I talk with my colleagues, share frustrations, eat the office food, and complete my designated tasks. This gives me satisfaction. My tendency to connect with people on dating apps and stalking my ex flings has reduced down to almost zero. This is a sign that I am tired of the bullshit. I want love, I do. The kind of love I am receiving is, well, very much replaceable. I do not want to be someone disposable. Good energy, communication, empathy is my love list. I am not thinking too much of my career right now. As I have been on t...

I wish I did not have this bitterness in me because of one person who hurt me. I wish, my faith in love did not shake because of one man who does not know how to love. They take my homeliness as a way for them to feel good. I have tried numerous times to control my empathy for people. I started to realize this is my mechanism. Should one/ a couple of bad experiences change the way I see world? I felt pain but should this pain make me a hardcore or should it strengthen my core self to become more the person I am?  I crave conversations because life is all about people. You live in those impressions. You live in those encounters. I have suffered more than mentally I had ever suffered this past two years. Everything is in alignment except my love life. I am starting to realize there is nothing to fix, only find the right vibe. The right room for myself to confide in.  My heart is tired. I still hope to be treated as good as I treat others. I have always been kind, humble, honest,...

Dear B, I had a pretty rough week last month. Super rough. I couldn't stop crying...I could not sleep without hearing someone's voice assuring me I am not alone. Thank god for that friend in UK. He was there for me the painful days and also gave me tough love when I was being illogical and stupid. I got my heart broken again. And this time, the man I was with lied and deceived and made fake promises. I wasn't a saint either. I over reacted on some aspects from my part too. But after cutting him off, I realized how imperfect we were for each other. How much there were miscommunication. I talked with him because I felt lonely. I tried to shove him into my life because somehow it made sense to be with him rather than being with no one.  I realized his words were just words. He didn't try to make up with me. We basically ghosted each other. And after a week of wailing and getting busy with work and also talking with people from Tinder I got over the painful part. He doesn...

 I turned 25 today.  I don't know how much different my life will be like this year. A lot of changes for sure.  I just hope I survive with my loved ones beside me. A very difficult time, from 2020 onwards. Life just went upside down for some people. For some people it took toll on their mental health. For some, it went just marginally good. For some, it went so bad that they just don't know how to get back on their feet again. For me, it somehow someway, saved me. Pandemic, changed me, something shifted inside of me, but for greater good.  I learned to pick myself up. I learned to leave my bed. I learned to sacrifice my day sleeping. I learned to positively affirm myself. I learned to love myself even at the time of hate. I learned to forgive and forget. I learned people are struggling and fighting their own battles. I learned that it is important to be compassionate and open hearted towards everyone without giving them the power to hurt you. Kindness is important b...

Dear B, Things are so hectic right now. Today is my weekend. So I feel like human.. .on weekdays it is so intense.  I just wanted to update you that, my life is exhausting- maybe in a purposeful way. I am no longer adhering to the belief that- adulting has to be done right. It is messy and stupidly tiring. And it is okay. Celebrate your little successes. Have an ambition and work hard toward your goals. Life does not have to perfect to be wonderful . 

 I am about to start my corporate journey. I am so thrilled, yet nervous and I can't sleep. I am also scared that, I would start becoming dreamless and dead like.  I don't want to stop having time for myself. Even if my job starts. I want to enjoy life. And be able to breathe.

 the best decision that I took last year was unfollowing him. The way that he treated me was so wrong, now I know. Though I wouldn't say, I was all good. I definitely said and did some things that were toxic too. But now that I am with someone, I understand, how much communication is important. How much, sharing your current thoughts, anxiety, feelings and also concerns with that person is important. We often want to come across as the 'peace lover' and ignore messy/difficult conversations just so we could avoid drama. In all honesty, those difficult conversations are what make things functional. Making assumptions about the person in your head instead of confronting him is the silliest mistake, now I know. No matter how silly you sound, confront him about how you're feeling. If he seems understanding and kind toward you, validate what you're feeling, that's great! It's a positive sign. If he humiliates you for how you're feeling or treats your anxiety a...

When I look back in my life, I realize that I/my parents have made my life way too comfortable. And there is not much growth with being comfortable. Yes it can give you a sense of security. But you would not have this thirst inside of you to create the best version of yourself. You would be too clingy to your warm bed, your afternoon tea, your father's shoulder to cry on for every little inconveniences that happen in your life. You wouldn't be a fighter. Because you know, life is too kind to you. You automatically break apart when things don't work the way you plan it to work. You melt and lose hope and give up even before failing hard. You are like a scared kitten.  It is okay, if you come from this. You can't choose your origin. But you can choose your struggles. You can, despite knowing you have a very peaceful setting waiting for you, choose the setting that makes you feel unsettling. Once you are aware that life- needs not to be this comfortable, instead it needs t...

The more I am putting myself out there the more I am getting scared of getting hurt. Guess I can't be too careful. But there's a pattern of men I went out with. And no matter how much I do not want to overthink, I do end up analyzing their behavior and become anxious of myself.  I feel vulnerable when I get close with someone or share my feelings. Once my thoughts and insecurities are out there...I feel stupid and powerless to that someone. Suddenly, they become my priority and I choose to let them hurt me and say it's okay. Have your way with me. I don't let them feel  a thing. It's like I become this comfortable couch they can sit on, spill drinks, do whatever they please. It almost feels like I don't have ground under my feet.  Thanks to all the self help knowledge I gained through books, I know now, it is not okay to let people treat you less. It is not okay to let them turn your kindness into their advantage. You are not a toy for them to feel entertained. ...

HEY I have so much to update you on. 1. My friend's wedding had been a blast. She looked so pretty. And we danced like bunch of crazies on the DJ party 2.  My parents got the first dose of Covid-vaccination 3. I randomly applied for a job and got selected for training. After 3 months of its completion, I will be permanent. It is a multinational company and smart technology based, its corporate office is at silicon valley. I never imagined actually I would get this cool job. Anyway, my joining is soon. The pay is okay. Totally performance based job so I have to work hard for promotions and all. ANYWAY, I am so happy. 4.Went on a date yesterday. I had been talking with this guy on phone for two weeks almost. And we hit it off. Well, we made out. HAHA. What an ice-break! I never actually predicted kissing on a first date but it happened.  I am okay. It felt good and I want to keep it at that. I am not overthinking what will happen of us. I just want to enjoy as it is. Life is not...

It is weird how smallest of things can remind significant memories of past life. I found this old gum in my bag while I was out shopping with my mom. I used to take that bag, almost regularly a year before. I shifted to new fancier one my grandma bought me and so rarely I used the old one. But that day, arbitrarily I took it with me to shopping and the moment my hands wondered inside the pockets, I found this old gum. It's not just an expired, old gum packet. It was the packet I bought, on the day of a date. When it all felt something out of the world. When I had someone to kiss me. And he did. He kissed me so good. I was terrified of getting caught but we were at this public washroom, and I had him all to me. His attention, his eyes all on me. And I never felt like this about anybody else in my life. It was like an adventure. A sweet and cute one at that. And I get all this from an old, stinky, torn, chewing gum packet. Dateless valentine days are pretty normal for me. Everyday is...

 After a bit of soul searching, sleeping like a pig in the mornings, chatting bluntly with strangers on Tinder, Whining that I don't have the skills to get a job, reminiscing and cringing the past embarrassing moments...reading couple of chapters of a self-help book, I decided, I am gonna do something about my life. Though I have not yet started taking the authority of my choices, but I have decided to come up with a plan (Cause that's like the fun part before working hard on something) to change for a better version of myself.  So here is a draft of things, I need to change/give attention to for now: 1. What makes me lose all sense of time? What takes all my focus and simultaneously fulfils my soul while doing it? Take a guess...Say what? No, not masturbation lol, though I see your point. It is WRITING! Can't you see? No matter what, I always felt comfortable journaling, reading books, learning new words to enrich my vocabulary. So this is my cue to begin. I love writing. ...

 I was asked very inappropriate questions on an interview. The person was a pervert.  I can't believe I even bothered to prepare for it.  I am just so sick of men seeing us as sex objects. I am just so tired of not getting valued as an individual, rather sexualized. Us women, we are demeaned the moment we are born on this earth. In various ways. We are seen as marketing products. Not humans.  I am tired of existing as a woman in this society.  I am honestly, tired and on the verge of giving up.

 My feelings died. Today, I woke up, I stalked him again. I think I blocked all his contacts last week. Because I didn't want to keep up with his life anymore. And today when I went to his profile, saw his face, read his caption, surprisingly, I felt this numbness inside of me.  I was not jealous anymore. I wasn't yearning for him anymore. I wasn't reminiscing what we had anymore. The most amazing part was- there was no pain. Nothing!  So it is safe to say- I am finally over and done with him! I have nothing to prove to him. I mean before it was like, I would share something public just in the hope of him stalking me and finding how I am doing. Now I am independent of that feeling. I have separated myself from that pain he caused me. It is like, I am a new born. And I am a completely emotionally validated person myself and now when I talk with men, I know if this doesn't work out, I will be fine and move on with my life. And as long as I have myself, I don't need ot...

 Did some shopping today.   Feeling kinda good :) Also today's the last day of January. 1 month down from 2021. Huh. I don't know how I feel about that. February, I totally dedicate to my friend's wedding.  Also, somebody just asked me out on a valentines date. I didn't say yes. I don't know if I am ready to go out for date again. I know I should be. But I feel kinda vulnerable. So taking things super, duper slow. That's the update! I don't date, I update!  haha. I should stop. Bye.

 Gloom hit me. And I am doing everything I can, well in my mind, I am doing my best, trying not to fall into the pit. I am pms-ing too, so at least I know whatever  I am feeling right now, it is consequential and will pass, hopefully. I am feeling really, really alone. I miss those giddy feelings, first attractions, first goofy flirting. There are men lined up in my dms but they are all stuck up. Sometimes I wonder, am I gonna end up like this? Is this how it is from now on? There was this video on staying optimistic. It said, being optimistic, is not being impractical or like blindly trusting the fate. It's about believing that there's light out at the end of the dark tunnel.  I have always, picked myself up, over and over. I have always, after a huge let down, believed there's something promised for me and the universe is only looking out for me.  You know what's weird? I am aware that I am falling, I am in despair and still there's another part. probably the wise...

Yesterday, I stayed over at my friend's place. We had her bridal shower the day before. And after having such great time, me, 'I' simply cannot carry on with the rest of my life, without coming back here and write a few words on it. I got high, smoked again, I can't remember how many cigarettes...Well I wouldn't say I am addicted but these days, whenever I smoke with my friends, I don't just smoke 'a' cigarette,  it ranges between 5-10. Whatever, as long as it's not a regular thing...I should be fine.  I remember feeling anxious around lot of new people. Here's the thing. My friends are super social. So at her shower, there were bunch of her other friends, and they were really really pretty and they carry themselves well, which made me look like a fish out of water. But I wasn't a huge mess. I put of ton of makeup and tried my best. I had a really good time. We played 'card against humanity' which is a really cool card game btw. And h...

 I had been having vivid dreams since last night and whenever I nap. I don't have much recollection of what I had seen but it was like a mashup of things that goes in my head. It weren't all pretty. I woke up with my heart beating fast, a very gloom state of mind and I remember having like a sound effect. The sound mirrored the car horns that were outside, but it was much intense as if the cars were right beside me.  At one point I was saying to myself- Please don't let it be schizophrenia! My brother was diagnosed with this disease around late 2016 and I remember what a trauma it was. He acted so strange and that affected me mentally, I was always crying, thinking our family will never be the same again. Now it is actually much better, he recovered, well I would say, coped with it, had medication. He is doing well physically, mentally, academically, socially...I cannot but be grateful. But when I remember those gloomy times, it fills up my chest with horrors. I never want ...

 I have been binging on true crime stories these days. I always had a thing for it, like I would legit watch documentaries, see graphic images even though it sickened me to the core. Just knowing how the killings took place, and the detectives figuring all out, the suspense, the flipping discoveries, everything just kind of fascinates me. I do feel bad about the families who go through such trauma of losing their dear ones like that abnormal way, but the stories compel me with lot of emotions and shock and I get consumed in it.  Today I was thinking that, I should put myself in a routine again. My sleeping cycle has been fucked. I was thinking that maybe I should start working out, like just basics to keep myself active. I oversleep nowadays and feel drown out...I also want to re-watch Dexter again. This was one of my most favorite tv show, I was in my late teens when I started watching it on TV, it was pretty graphic, and I didn't have a laptop so when I downloaded it, I had ...

 Dear B, Thank you for sticking up with me all these years. Although you're just a space for me to record my thoughts, I still count you as something. My digital therapist, maybe?  Happy New Year!  I think I speak for everyone when I say, 2020 was one hell of a ride. We did get a fleeting moment of happiness before pandemic took over the world. Not entirely bad, maybe mostly bad mixed with good and a lot of life teachings and lessons.  I am grateful that I survived it with my family and friends and here we are, seeing the face of 2021, sounds so futuristic, I hope we overcome the pandemic and get back to the days where we can hug each other again without worrying about getting infected. Obviously, the expectation set for this year would be much less than the previous, but I do hope for better days ahead. Maybe I am not so ambitious or materialistic now, the end goal for 21 would be to survive and be content and find my inner peace. I love that, I haven't lost my moti...