spring is almost here

 I have this self blaming game I cannot quit.

Anything worse happens, the first tendency is to blame myself. I had a bad day at work today and it was not because I did anything wrong. My performance is spotless. It is a completely external issue that I have nothing to do with. However, I kept blaming myself for it. I broke down in tears in my lunch break. Thank god I am working from home. Nobody saw me like that. Anyway, so there I was, sobbing, thinking I was the "issue" and I didn't give my 100%. 

I give my everything when I set my mind to something. This job is something that I gave my everything to. I worked seamlessly and with utter dedication. The pay is not something I look at when I am working. I give more than I am paid for. I care about this job because it gave me a purpose to wake up. It made me learn something totally new and astounding and I started believing in myself again. 

However, I tossed everything aside, the moment I had one bad day. Just one. Which had nothing to do with my dedication or performance.

I reached out to my peer. She reassured me I was not the problem. She said don't worry, and only then my crying had stopped. 

You see, I always need reassurance that I am not the issue. I have been neglected as a child, been criticized in childhood and adolescence that I cannot function without it.

I am blessed that I have grown a lot since. I do function now, without constantly being pulled back. There are days, I accept that whatever I am feeling it is created based on my own toxic thought bubbles.

It is a trauma response and there is a way out from this viscous cycle. Certainly I am not alone. There are lots of people in this world having psychological issues like that. I am just one of those who is dealing with it without any medical support as it happens in brown culture. 

It is not only at work. It is with family. It is with friends. It is with relationships. I feel like I am not "good enough." When in all sense I am more than what is good. My stupid mind sometimes play it against me. You know, the people who did this to me? I never hurt them. I did nothing at all. It happened as a bad stroke of luck. I happened to be the person they decided to hurt. I let them. I am still trying to love myself. It is not always a straight line. It is a constant up and down cycle.

I do not need validation from people. I know it is cheap and maybe more tempting but being content internally is so much more long lasting and healthy. When you keep defining your worth in work, in people, in prices, in dresses, you can never satisfy yourself. However, if you know these things are just temporary and are not capable of defining what is you. You become powerful and more immune to heart aches.

Words of affirmation today- "You are giving your 100 percent. You show the world the vulnerable side of you and that is brave. I am so proud of what you have become. Despite having bad shit happening to you, you are still consistent. You are still there for yourself, you still pickup yourself and keep working on yourself. I think that is something beautiful."