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 Dear B,

I just couldn't bring myself here. Your girl has been busy. Being an adult is a general drama with occasional anxiety attacks and some fleeting moments of joy. It's like you do have good moments, but you only understand the significance of them after they have passed. Relationships become excruciating. Suddenly, you are responsible for yourself and nobody is going to approve of you acting like a child! I just realized, I haven't been an adult 'mentally' as I should have been before. I am also unsure if I am being a proper adult. You see, I still rely hugely on my parents and I also sometimes don't trust my own judgements. Basically, I am suffering!

Suddenly I am caught up between crisis of life and decisions. Major decisions that I am required to make and I still don't know if I am mentally prepared for it. Finances! Marriage! Career! Family! Old age! Parents! 

I wake up, I work, I spend some meaningless time scrolling social media and then I go to bed, thinking 'Well this won't go for much long, I need a solid plan for future.'

Yet I don't come up with one. Next year, well in 6 months I will be turning 26. Can you believe that? I am already afraid of my skin aging. I also need a good skin care plan. What am I doing? I am just passing my days, working. 

I do stress out thinking about this. Then I look back and realize when was I ever stress free? University days were spent struggling with grades and deadlines and dooming about future thinking I won't get a job, now that I have a job, I am still doomed because I don't have a viable financial strategy for future. 

On top of it, my mother has been pushing me for marriage. She just can't wait to hand me over. 

Why are brown parents like that? Last night I swore myself that if I don't recover from my childhood trauma then I won't bring another of me in this earth. It is so much important to me that I don't induce pain upon the future generation. I don't want to project my insecurities on them. 

These days, I keep myself up thinking about these things. I can't stop the time and the inevitable events. Life will move at its own pace. I just have to be aware. I just have to be willing to pull myself up when things are bad and prepare for what's coming.

It's not easy thinking about a future with someone amidst this chaos that I call my life. It is quite frightening to be honest. 

However, maybe it's the next step and the next journey and I am open to the universe to show me the way.




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