Skip to main content

 Dear B,

I just couldn't bring myself here. Your girl has been busy. Being an adult is a general drama with occasional anxiety attacks and some fleeting moments of joy. It's like you do have good moments, but you only understand the significance of them after they have passed. Relationships become excruciating. Suddenly, you are responsible for yourself and nobody is going to approve of you acting like a child! I just realized, I haven't been an adult 'mentally' as I should have been before. I am also unsure if I am being a proper adult. You see, I still rely hugely on my parents and I also sometimes don't trust my own judgements. Basically, I am suffering!

Suddenly I am caught up between crisis of life and decisions. Major decisions that I am required to make and I still don't know if I am mentally prepared for it. Finances! Marriage! Career! Family! Old age! Parents! 

I wake up, I work, I spend some meaningless time scrolling social media and then I go to bed, thinking 'Well this won't go for much long, I need a solid plan for future.'

Yet I don't come up with one. Next year, well in 6 months I will be turning 26. Can you believe that? I am already afraid of my skin aging. I also need a good skin care plan. What am I doing? I am just passing my days, working. 

I do stress out thinking about this. Then I look back and realize when was I ever stress free? University days were spent struggling with grades and deadlines and dooming about future thinking I won't get a job, now that I have a job, I am still doomed because I don't have a viable financial strategy for future. 

On top of it, my mother has been pushing me for marriage. She just can't wait to hand me over. 

Why are brown parents like that? Last night I swore myself that if I don't recover from my childhood trauma then I won't bring another of me in this earth. It is so much important to me that I don't induce pain upon the future generation. I don't want to project my insecurities on them. 

These days, I keep myself up thinking about these things. I can't stop the time and the inevitable events. Life will move at its own pace. I just have to be aware. I just have to be willing to pull myself up when things are bad and prepare for what's coming.

It's not easy thinking about a future with someone amidst this chaos that I call my life. It is quite frightening to be honest. 

However, maybe it's the next step and the next journey and I am open to the universe to show me the way.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

healing in progress

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...
Post a Comment
Read more