Skip to main content

 Dear B,

I just couldn't bring myself here. Your girl has been busy. Being an adult is a general drama with occasional anxiety attacks and some fleeting moments of joy. It's like you do have good moments, but you only understand the significance of them after they have passed. Relationships become excruciating. Suddenly, you are responsible for yourself and nobody is going to approve of you acting like a child! I just realized, I haven't been an adult 'mentally' as I should have been before. I am also unsure if I am being a proper adult. You see, I still rely hugely on my parents and I also sometimes don't trust my own judgements. Basically, I am suffering!

Suddenly I am caught up between crisis of life and decisions. Major decisions that I am required to make and I still don't know if I am mentally prepared for it. Finances! Marriage! Career! Family! Old age! Parents! 

I wake up, I work, I spend some meaningless time scrolling social media and then I go to bed, thinking 'Well this won't go for much long, I need a solid plan for future.'

Yet I don't come up with one. Next year, well in 6 months I will be turning 26. Can you believe that? I am already afraid of my skin aging. I also need a good skin care plan. What am I doing? I am just passing my days, working. 

I do stress out thinking about this. Then I look back and realize when was I ever stress free? University days were spent struggling with grades and deadlines and dooming about future thinking I won't get a job, now that I have a job, I am still doomed because I don't have a viable financial strategy for future. 

On top of it, my mother has been pushing me for marriage. She just can't wait to hand me over. 

Why are brown parents like that? Last night I swore myself that if I don't recover from my childhood trauma then I won't bring another of me in this earth. It is so much important to me that I don't induce pain upon the future generation. I don't want to project my insecurities on them. 

These days, I keep myself up thinking about these things. I can't stop the time and the inevitable events. Life will move at its own pace. I just have to be aware. I just have to be willing to pull myself up when things are bad and prepare for what's coming.

It's not easy thinking about a future with someone amidst this chaos that I call my life. It is quite frightening to be honest. 

However, maybe it's the next step and the next journey and I am open to the universe to show me the way.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.
Post a Comment
Read more

long distance again

 I came back from my trip. It was amazing 2 weeks of my life. Seeing him again after so long felt strange yet peaceful. I finally got to be in his arms again. 2 weeks flew by and now I am back home and back to work and normal hustle and bustle of life.  He got an extension offer and decided to stay for another 3 months. It is sad because he was supposed to be back next month. He asked me if he should take it and despite having my heart aching I supported him in the decision. It is not confirmed yet but he probably be staying another 3. Another 5 months of long distance. How am I going to survive the winter by myself? I don't know. Honestly, in my heart, I don't care about how much compensation he be getting. I miss him so much and this long distance thing is killing me inside. Today is Friday night and instead of cuddles and movie, I am home alone. No plans to look forward. No one to talk to. I am the loneliest girl on earth right now. He is probably sleeping and not picking u...
Post a Comment
Read more

winter together

 Dear B,  Sorry I've been so MIA. Here's the update you missed - My husband came back! He wasn't approved for those 3 months of extension. I've been getting enough cuddles and kisses to survive this winter.  Yes, winter is here. Never underestimate the Canadian winter. It's the worst. Everything is grey and dark. However, I am looking forward to going home in March. I'm so excited to see my friends again. Most importantly my parents and brother. It feels a strange kind of feeling. I am planning to 'visit' the place I was born and call home. It is definitely a new kind of feeling.  Things been okay. We are okay. I am glad to have him back.  We bought a new couch and a coffee table. It's still in back order and I'm impatiently waiting for them to arrive.  Can't believe only 4 days left to 2026. Time is flying so quick. Hope we talk again, B. I swear I missed you!
Post a Comment
Read more