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The more I am putting myself out there the more I am getting scared of getting hurt. Guess I can't be too careful. But there's a pattern of men I went out with. And no matter how much I do not want to overthink, I do end up analyzing their behavior and become anxious of myself. 

I feel vulnerable when I get close with someone or share my feelings. Once my thoughts and insecurities are out there...I feel stupid and powerless to that someone. Suddenly, they become my priority and I choose to let them hurt me and say it's okay. Have your way with me. I don't let them feel  a thing. It's like I become this comfortable couch they can sit on, spill drinks, do whatever they please. It almost feels like I don't have ground under my feet.

 Thanks to all the self help knowledge I gained through books, I know now, it is not okay to let people treat you less. It is not okay to let them turn your kindness into their advantage. You are not a toy for them to feel entertained. You are as much as in this as they are. So, own yourself.

You see, in my head, I know I am not supposed to take bullshit from people. But in reality, I take it. Tell myself I am undeserving of love and care. I guess from the very early stage of my childhood, I had it imprinted in my head that I have to make room for other people in my life, I am just a place for them to confide in. I am supposed to be quiet and silenced when loud.

I am facing problems every time I am getting close with someone. I fear they will leave me, I will be taken for granted, I will be hurt. Every time they show slightest change of voice, I start getting all teary. I say to myself "Maybe this is it, they are bored of me. They figured me out. I am nothing exciting."

The truth is, you attract what you think. I think all the bad things even before letting good things happen to me. I let my toxic thoughts cloud my nicer judgments. 
You can't force anyone to love you. And you don't have to be perfect to be loved. You don't have to be the giver every time. You don't have to be the compromiser for a relationship to sail. What will work will work by itself. You are here to be felt. To be heard. To be loved and cared for. 












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