Skip to main content

Yesterday, I stayed over at my friend's place. We had her bridal shower the day before. And after having such great time, me, 'I' simply cannot carry on with the rest of my life, without coming back here and write a few words on it.

I got high, smoked again, I can't remember how many cigarettes...Well I wouldn't say I am addicted but these days, whenever I smoke with my friends, I don't just smoke 'a' cigarette,  it ranges between 5-10. Whatever, as long as it's not a regular thing...I should be fine. 

I remember feeling anxious around lot of new people. Here's the thing. My friends are super social. So at her shower, there were bunch of her other friends, and they were really really pretty and they carry themselves well, which made me look like a fish out of water. But I wasn't a huge mess. I put of ton of makeup and tried my best. I had a really good time. We played 'card against humanity' which is a really cool card game btw. And had deep talks about sex, marriage, life, funny childhood stories and laughed our asses off. I think it's been a long time since I laughed this much. I am so grateful my parents let me stay over despite, being so paranoid about the virus. I actually can't be grateful enough. It was brave of them to let me.

You know, I am more and more trying to be accepting of what is. Instead of telling myself- Try to fit in, I say- Just be. All my life, I tried to mirror other people, tried to confide myself in how they talked, how they humored, how they socialized. Just because, I thought well, if I be myself, people won't accept me.

You see, nothing matters. Everybody is busy with their own shit. And instead of being so self-absorbed in how to be a some kind of way so people like me, I am now more and more, trying to be who I truly am inside. Accepting my flaws, my skin, my tiny boobs and my oh-so-unsettling curly hair. 


Our flaws make us interesting. I hit an epiphany today. 

Despite being unemployed (Well I do have a tutoring job where I am underpaid but like- a real job with a pension plan) Despite being so irresponsible as my parents describe me, despite being such a lazy ass, and occasionally sentimental, and a single motherfucker, 

I am still appreciating being alive. I still can see a good life for myself ahead, if not great.

I am glad I am still young, and I still have some people in my life whom I can breathe to, be emotional, cry or laugh and make fun of misery or celebrate their achievements and life events.


I am so blessed. And I am so adored. I am so loved.

I want to thank Allah, for creating me and giving me this life. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more