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Yesterday, I stayed over at my friend's place. We had her bridal shower the day before. And after having such great time, me, 'I' simply cannot carry on with the rest of my life, without coming back here and write a few words on it.

I got high, smoked again, I can't remember how many cigarettes...Well I wouldn't say I am addicted but these days, whenever I smoke with my friends, I don't just smoke 'a' cigarette,  it ranges between 5-10. Whatever, as long as it's not a regular thing...I should be fine. 

I remember feeling anxious around lot of new people. Here's the thing. My friends are super social. So at her shower, there were bunch of her other friends, and they were really really pretty and they carry themselves well, which made me look like a fish out of water. But I wasn't a huge mess. I put of ton of makeup and tried my best. I had a really good time. We played 'card against humanity' which is a really cool card game btw. And had deep talks about sex, marriage, life, funny childhood stories and laughed our asses off. I think it's been a long time since I laughed this much. I am so grateful my parents let me stay over despite, being so paranoid about the virus. I actually can't be grateful enough. It was brave of them to let me.

You know, I am more and more trying to be accepting of what is. Instead of telling myself- Try to fit in, I say- Just be. All my life, I tried to mirror other people, tried to confide myself in how they talked, how they humored, how they socialized. Just because, I thought well, if I be myself, people won't accept me.

You see, nothing matters. Everybody is busy with their own shit. And instead of being so self-absorbed in how to be a some kind of way so people like me, I am now more and more, trying to be who I truly am inside. Accepting my flaws, my skin, my tiny boobs and my oh-so-unsettling curly hair. 


Our flaws make us interesting. I hit an epiphany today. 

Despite being unemployed (Well I do have a tutoring job where I am underpaid but like- a real job with a pension plan) Despite being so irresponsible as my parents describe me, despite being such a lazy ass, and occasionally sentimental, and a single motherfucker, 

I am still appreciating being alive. I still can see a good life for myself ahead, if not great.

I am glad I am still young, and I still have some people in my life whom I can breathe to, be emotional, cry or laugh and make fun of misery or celebrate their achievements and life events.


I am so blessed. And I am so adored. I am so loved.

I want to thank Allah, for creating me and giving me this life. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. 


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