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 I had been having vivid dreams since last night and whenever I nap. I don't have much recollection of what I had seen but it was like a mashup of things that goes in my head. It weren't all pretty. I woke up with my heart beating fast, a very gloom state of mind and I remember having like a sound effect. The sound mirrored the car horns that were outside, but it was much intense as if the cars were right beside me. 

At one point I was saying to myself- Please don't let it be schizophrenia! My brother was diagnosed with this disease around late 2016 and I remember what a trauma it was. He acted so strange and that affected me mentally, I was always crying, thinking our family will never be the same again.

Now it is actually much better, he recovered, well I would say, coped with it, had medication. He is doing well physically, mentally, academically, socially...I cannot but be grateful. But when I remember those gloomy times, it fills up my chest with horrors. I never want to go back. Also I never want to get it because of our genetic history. I think among us, I am the more sensitive. I wouldn't be able to handle it like he did. 

I did pop up a sleeping pill the night before yesterday, could be a side affect. I am not sweating this matter though....I am okay. Just taking a break from murder stories and watching a light sitcom. 

It's all good.

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