opposite sides of a coin

Dear B,

I am so tired of everything. Suddenly, the thought of not existing seems like an easy way out. I don't know why I am feeling like this. My life is not perfect but it is not bad either. I am well nourished (maybe a little obese), both my parents are alive and healthy alhamdulillah, I have a job, I have people in my life who care about me. Yet I feel so, tired of everything. Living, showering, waking up, working, eating, sleeping, everything.

I just again, feel like I don't have a purpose. I am not helping poor people. I am not contributing to research, I am not inventing anything that could help the human kind, I am not smart, I am not intelligent. I have a hard time remembering things. What good am I doing, living?

I used to look up to my friends. I used to admire them. These days, I don't feel like meeting them even. I just feel like I have outgrown them or I have all this time, just pretended to be someone so that they accept me. 

I do feel for them...When one of my friends went to Canada, I cried for her. I didn't know I cared for her this much. I always felt that a part of me would pretend to be someone to be liked. When you create this fall sense of yourself, how can you ever be close with someone?

Last night, I just got a flashback of my childhood. I remembered this particular moment where I was in grade 1 and it was lunch hour and I was standing outside the classroom. I was eating alone. I was watching other kids playing, screaming, holding hands. I just watched them and ate all alone. I didn't know why I kept myself isolated from people. Was I too much insecure that nobody would eat lunch with me? I was 6 or 7 years old right? I was a child. Why did I do this to myself? Why was I okay eating alone and not blending with other kids? Was it because I didn't know how to be social or was it out of sheer fear that they would not accept me? I remember just wanting to be not noticed. 

Then one day this girl, with two long braids walked towards me and smiled at me. I did not know what to say I kept staring at her with a clueless look that this girl has noticed me. I remember that she gave a pat on my head and said hello and smiled and said my name. I remember thinking about it all day. Apparently my mom was talking with her mom and mentioned about me. So she knew me through. She had her own circle of friends but she never called me to hangout with her. Fast forward to 8 years, I started at a new school and it was whole another nightmare. I sucked at studies but I had friends. I didn't understand friendship that well though, but I did hangout with people. And that girl became one of my close friends. I even used to go to her house for private tuition. Her mother was my English teacher.

I don't know why I got this flashback. Maybe because I always deep down thought something was wrong with me. I always thought people are difficult to deal with. I faked at socializing. I know a lot of people do that. However now, what hurts is that, why don't I care about people anymore? Why don't I care about friendships? Why am I always running away when somebody tries to bond with me?

Why do I keep things at surface level?

I used to love taking pictures of myself. I don't do that anymore. I hate my weight. I hate my face. I hate looking at myself sometimes. 

I don't know what to do. I am just feeling so weirdly down. Is this because of the dry season? It could be. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder. I just hope it passes because I don't feel right.