opposite sides of a coin

It is weird how smallest of things can remind significant memories of past life.

I found this old gum in my bag while I was out shopping with my mom. I used to take that bag, almost regularly a year before. I shifted to new fancier one my grandma bought me and so rarely I used the old one. But that day, arbitrarily I took it with me to shopping and the moment my hands wondered inside the pockets, I found this old gum.

It's not just an expired, old gum packet.

It was the packet I bought, on the day of a date. When it all felt something out of the world. When I had someone to kiss me. And he did. He kissed me so good. I was terrified of getting caught but we were at this public washroom, and I had him all to me. His attention, his eyes all on me. And I never felt like this about anybody else in my life. It was like an adventure. A sweet and cute one at that.

And I get all this from an old, stinky, torn, chewing gum packet.

Dateless valentine days are pretty normal for me. Everyday is pretty normal. I listened to this podcast yesterday, of Simon Sinek, inspirational speaker and author, he said that we are so accustomed to craving dopamine and adrenaline that we see 'normal' state as a physical low. We just want, always, the life to be full of life, we want the hustle part- you know- getting work done, doing something crazy, we want the life to be always be 'happening' that when things aren't, we feel low inside. 

My friend's wedding has been kind of like the highlight of my life right now. It is the only excuse I have to get out of home, hangout with my friends, dance, think about dresses and jewelries and makeups and forget about the miserable normal and boring life I have. I even am skipping interview calls, just because all my focus is on celebrating my friend's life event. You see, after all this is over, I am going to feel the physical low. 

I am staying over at my friend's place tomorrow. It's in the same area as his. Every time I drive past there, the places where we had once been intimate, I just get really teary eyed. Not because I miss him. But because, those days were really beautiful for me. Life was different. I didn't need a mask. I didn't have the worry in the world about getting sick or getting my parents sick. And I had someone holding my hand and telling me how much he liked me in red lipstick. 

I love 'love'. I do. I really crave it, And I just can't wait for the day, I fall in love with someone. Deeply and unconditionally.

I can't wait.