opposite sides of a coin

 

After a month of feeling numb, I've started to feel things again.

I went shopping today. Today was different because 1. I knew what I wanted for myself 2. I made a list prior to going shopping 3. I was bold about what I wanted.

Guess what, I managed to avoid buyer's remorse. However, I did buy a pair of jean's that wasn't a good fit. I can fix that though. Just needs a little stitching, that's all.

I learned from this experience that it is so much better when you make a list of things you want and stick to it. I can apply to selecting a partner as well. Of course, it will not be like a shopping list. It will create a sense of qualities that I look for and will not negotiate or settle for less. We are human beings and I may not get a perfect partner but I have to see if the person has some qualities that outweighs that bad ones and I can make a deal without having to compromise too much. 

Like that pair of jeans I bargained for. It is not a perfect fit. However, the fabric and color is good and I can make some minor changes and work it out.

Today, I told my mother about marriage. The guy I was talking with made some sexist remarks. I cannot be with a guy or even think about future, who thinks of women as inferior. It is a non-negotiable. I will not tolerate it and definitely I don't see a future here of us. Now, I don't know if that was his cranky mood or usual self. We all make bad judgments sometimes. I think I am more attracted to people who leaves room to change and improve. Honestly, I was really shocked when he made that remark. I really thought highly of him. I have not met him though. 

All this month I thought, I am the issue. I always do that. Now I know, it's just not a good match. Something is clearly off here. I must recognize the red flags and go for the exit. The last thing I would want is getting into a dysfunctional relationship just because of the societal pressure and parent's olden days thoughts. This is my life and I know what I want. At least, I am making an effort to figure it out. I don't owe anyone anything. Nobody is going to get benefitted from my marriage. I have to make sure the person I am going to start a family with is a good person, is a kind person, is a humble person, is a genuine person and makes time for me.

I've thought a lot of things. I cried. I went numb. I worked my ass off. I did soul searching and it is still on. These days, I yearn for genuine relationships and care less about materialistic things. I opened my dating profile again. I think it is important that I don't sit around waiting for love to fall into my lap. I should see people. I should meet people. It is better that way. My parents have been understanding lately. I wouldn't say they are agreeable all the time but they started to give me less bullshit. So I guess that is my opening.

I guess  I needed some sad days to finally find my beat.

 

Will miss you old friend.

I will try to update you soon on my life. Till then, sayonara.