I woke up one night, I was too restless to sleep. I couldn't even close my eyes for a second. I was constantly thinking. And there came a pause. It was as if, my mind split in half. I was fighting myself at one, and again defending myself at the other. "Shut up!" I whispered to myself in the dark. "Nobody is looking up to you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.You're fighting your own battle. What they do, is none of your concern. What they can do, should not make you doubt yourself. You should focus on YOU. JUST.YOU." And suddenly I was sure of what I want. Sure of my goal and sure of what should I do and can to achieve. Suddenly I was estimating my success and failure without stressing over other people's achievements and their story. My thoughts that were scattering before, came automatically collected into one. I wasn't looking for the possibilities anymore, I found it. I manipulated my mind. And felt like I was in control. I was in charge of me.
I couldn't sleep then, for the second time. Because I felt that there's so much to cover. The past mistakes and oh so much more, I felt like sleeping would be a waste if I don't mark this moment of self-discovery. Then again, I had an early class so I forced myself back into bed for a nap. I couldn't nap. I was restless again. I was feeling this pressure to do something to calm myself from having passionate thoughts about my future. I wanted to be realistic for once, to work like a true worker not just a thinker. I was fully motivated for some action. Then I heard the azan and I got up and prepared for some confessing to Allah. I did udu and the Faraz prayer with silence conquering over me in the house. Everyone was sleeping peacefully but me. After the namaaz I took a deep breathe and sat there for sometime. I talked to him about the countless mistakes I've made I'm not very proud of. I told him, that's when everybody comes to him, when they need some forgiving, when they need some peace,when they need to show their gratitude, when they just "need" something. From life and the after. I confessed that I too was in need of something, sitting there on the zainamaz before his gaze, that always had been following me around and now my all attention went up to his. I did a dua for my parents whom meant everything to me. I cried to him. I felt a comfort. I told him that without his blessings I wouldn't go much far. I needed his support. That was my need. I craved for a good night sleep, I craved to go to a normal life style. I didn't want to be this much lazy and I wanted to make a commitment.
I am not religious. Since I was a kid, religion had been an act for me. But I firmly believed I have a creator. So when I talk to my creator, without all the tradition and act, I feel a warmness wrapping me in, like an invisible hug. And always, I've felt that he listened to me. All I had to say. For all the religious act, performing surahs and all, I'd always be waiting for that moment, for that one moment of genuine and honest prayer.
And that night after praying I felt peace. I felt like I have already made a commitment to myself. Rather or not I say it or write it in words, I was already committed. It had been done and so I could close my eyes then.
I couldn't sleep then, for the second time. Because I felt that there's so much to cover. The past mistakes and oh so much more, I felt like sleeping would be a waste if I don't mark this moment of self-discovery. Then again, I had an early class so I forced myself back into bed for a nap. I couldn't nap. I was restless again. I was feeling this pressure to do something to calm myself from having passionate thoughts about my future. I wanted to be realistic for once, to work like a true worker not just a thinker. I was fully motivated for some action. Then I heard the azan and I got up and prepared for some confessing to Allah. I did udu and the Faraz prayer with silence conquering over me in the house. Everyone was sleeping peacefully but me. After the namaaz I took a deep breathe and sat there for sometime. I talked to him about the countless mistakes I've made I'm not very proud of. I told him, that's when everybody comes to him, when they need some forgiving, when they need some peace,when they need to show their gratitude, when they just "need" something. From life and the after. I confessed that I too was in need of something, sitting there on the zainamaz before his gaze, that always had been following me around and now my all attention went up to his. I did a dua for my parents whom meant everything to me. I cried to him. I felt a comfort. I told him that without his blessings I wouldn't go much far. I needed his support. That was my need. I craved for a good night sleep, I craved to go to a normal life style. I didn't want to be this much lazy and I wanted to make a commitment.
I am not religious. Since I was a kid, religion had been an act for me. But I firmly believed I have a creator. So when I talk to my creator, without all the tradition and act, I feel a warmness wrapping me in, like an invisible hug. And always, I've felt that he listened to me. All I had to say. For all the religious act, performing surahs and all, I'd always be waiting for that moment, for that one moment of genuine and honest prayer.
And that night after praying I felt peace. I felt like I have already made a commitment to myself. Rather or not I say it or write it in words, I was already committed. It had been done and so I could close my eyes then.
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