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opposite sides of a coin

Hi B, 

I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well.

I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelming and I am having imposter syndrome but I guess I have to suck it up and show up everyday and get things done and leave. 

During waiting for my bus today, it was I guess 6:30 am, an odd man just asked me some weird questions. I don't think I heard it correctly. I did feel his body language was rude and he was saying something mean to me. I felt uneasy and tried to ignore him. A moment later I saw him making faces and saying something mean to another brown man and that's when it hit me. He was being racist. I haven't much experienced racism so far but today I was kind of shocked at how people can be so so rude and full of entitlement. I also think that man had some sort of mental disorder because his mannerisms didn't look right. It kind of scared me into thinking I'll be having evening shifts and come home by myself and have to steer clear of this weirdos on the way. It is 1.5 or sometimes 2 hours journey and I honestly have no guarantee if I will be in one piece. My husband is gonna be gone for 6 months for job purpose someplace else and honestly this is already feeling dreading to me. 

Whatever. It is what it is.. Then I got on the bus and I saw one white girl being so kind to one old asian couple making sure there is space in the bus on them. The wife was disabled, so the girl stood while making sure there are enough seats for the couple. It made me realize, there are kind people out here too. Who are also welcoming and cares we exist in this country.. Seeing this warmed my heart. I also looked at the wrinkly old couple and the husband was holding the wife's wheel chair and it made me realize we are also growing old. I hope that we grow old with each other and we get to take care of each other. 

Anyway long story short, I reached work safe and soundly and told myself, there gonna be weird and rude people out there but that shouldn't change the perception that there are also people who are kind and genuinely cares. I am happy that I got to experience both extremes and learned this valuable lesson. I also had a good cry in the shower today, I don't know is it just me, or adulting is so freaking hard?

Thank you for sticking up for me and giving me space to rant about life.  I don't know why it does feel good to come back to you and write what's in my heart. I appreciate you lots.

Until next time!
Good Night. 
P.S: My husband is snoring in the other room making it really hard to focus on my writing. 

Love 
R







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