Everly

You deserve everything your heart desires.  There is a sort of sweetness in the agony of loneliness. The absence of care and the space you get for yourself, not being cared for by anyone you burn for. Okay, maybe it doesn't sound so sweet, but when you attach music to it, it sure does feel like poetry. You're paining inside to be with someone, yet that someone is absent in your life, and you look at the immense possibility that you two will cross path someday and everything will have its meaning and life will be magical as if you're in some kind of drug. The time gap is surely sweet because you're on your own now. You're enjoying the moonlight all by yourself, you're walking on your terrace all by yourself, listening to songs about love, cool breeze brushing your face and messing with your hair...It is all so poetic. You're not in any deep sort of pain, you are just letting the craving dissolve you with its sweet touch. You're just wondering, maybe in fe...

 WELL WOW HAHA I am back to square one. The lonely life, It sure feels great, like, I can focus on myself again haha. Men are despicable creatures, well most of men, I've encountered with.... UGH Where is my sweet prince, I am so tired. Approach me sweet prince, and let's fall in love. I need some oxytocin, endorphins and maybe a bit of adrenalin. So be my guest...Let's do this together. Let's make this horrifying time a great time...A beautiful time, a foolish time....ugh I am so romantic right now it is almost ironic. Where the fuck is my soul mate? Is he like....lost....I am getting more and more impatient.  I smoked like chimney yesterday. Got high too. What a great Christmas this year!

 Dear B, I have sorted it out with my parents, not that I completely amended myself with their ideologies, I am my own person now, I just learned to come to a peaceful bargain with them. I will go out with their permission and I will be honest about my whereabouts and be keeping their trust. And even if I go out with a guy, I will let them know. And if they accuse me of something, I haven't done, I won't take it.... So far, it's been working out. Because, they actually let me hangout with my friends for coffee. I also went shopping yesterday with my mom. My mood's been drastically changed and there are almost no fights between us, so I would say, this is a good arrangement. I am talking with someone. I wouldn't elaborate on this because it's been only two nights and we haven't met. So yeah! Life's not that bad. 

I stormed out of home yesterday around evening time, got in an ugly fight with my parents.  Basically, I am getting my puberty driven repulsiveness and rebel like attitude at the age of 24. As much as it hurts to say this, I told them to reject the identity of me being their daughter and I also said (out of rage) that I don't count them as my parents anymore. My father is no longer talking with me, when I am spoken to, he is rather passive aggressive with me. Hear me out, I have no intention to hurt them as much they intend to hurt me, or even identify their actions as 'hurtful' or even empathize toward the fact that- I am hurting being isolated from my friends/cousins, the fact that I have no social life. Their main concern is- NOT just the virus, but the fact that I may date a guy or meet a guy and do stuff- and frankly, I am not in the mood for dating now. Even if I do meet a guy- What is the harm? Why are they against me having a 'life'? Why this people's op...

My father turned 65 today. My project of 2021 is to not stay depressed no matter how bad things get. I know how difficult it is to stay motivated regarding the situation with the pandemic and unemployment and everything.  But I am trying my best here. I am trying to tutor as much as possible to save up some money for my future. One of my friends is getting married next year. I am so excited for her. I think I am gonna have a very good time from the start of 2021. Also the vaccine is on the way. We are getting it maybe mid of summer.  I hope everything comes back to normal. My heart's been craving to sit in a coffee shop with a book, wearing no mask, red wine lipstick, with dark blue sweater on and black hair ribbon on a low pony tail. I don't know I just feel good picturing this.

 I decided to take a break from men. It is getting too much overwhelming.  I felt suffocated with the person I was talking to. So I just ended it, And realized how I took being single for granted. How actually fun it is to stay alone. With no responsibilities of each other's emotions. Am I a sociopath? I don't know... But I am gonna take a break and put time and energy on myself and myself only. I am not ready for love. I have to fully love myself first. 

 It is weird how scared I am of love. I want love but when it is there I just don't feel deserving of it. Somebody just told me the three magical words on the second night of our conversation. I was stunned. And I couldn't appreciate it.  Firstly, it was uncalled for. We were two almost strangers on phone. He should have waited at least after the 'illusionary' stage to pass, where everything about the person seems perfect, but it is surely not. You get to know someone by being with them practically. Just two nights of late night conversations, with hormones in our blood, with loneliness fogging the very idea of love, you can't just say I love you and mean it. You just can't. It can work on movies, but this is real life. And we are two complex human beings with issues, childhood traumas, abandonment problems, insecurities, loneliness and we can't let this three words decide our fate, at least I can't. I need time to get close with someone. I need this wal...

 If I learned anything from the pandemic, it is that, everything has its consequences, no matter how insignificant or small, your actions will give you a result. The butterfly effect. Everything is connected.  Oh god it hurt. Right in my heart. I was up at 3 am, stalking. I found out about the new girl he was seeing. I found out they made a trip last month. I wailed like somebody I love died. Dear B, you have no idea, what went through inside my head. I was telling Allah, take this pain away, please. I am not capable of handling this right now. Take this pain away once and for all. I don't love him, it is just an infatuation, I can't escape. The universe somehow listened. I got a notification, from the guy I am recently talking with. We are from different countries, but our culture is not completely out of context. He is a South Asian too.  We chatted the whole night, and he showered me with love and affection  and the end of it, I was feeling okay. I was in the midd...

 they overlook the fact that words have consequences. it can destroy one's peace of mind. it can destroy one's confidence. sense of security. dear future parents, before you even have kids, get rid of your personal battles. your mistreating. your failures. your kids are not supposed to fulfil your void dreams, or protect your social status. you are on your own on that if you really wanna do it. your kids cannot be the vehicle to please people you think you care about. so stop with the blaming and criticizing. stop with it already. love them without conditions. literally hug them as long as you live. cause they too know they're not gonna get to be with you for long. and believe me, they're scared of the world out there/ they're so scared/ they look up to you. be affectionate. be kind be there for them.  please. before it's too late.

 I had my first plane ride today. It felt really good, I think I cried a little bit, I mean happy tears. Back from the trip, I feel good and energized.  I was sad for a period of time but now I think I can handle this... The sea treated me good. I have to be with myself for a while, figure out what I want and work toward it. I want a decent paid job, a boyfriend, social life, healthy lifestyle and of course, I want this pandemic be over for good.  2020 has been my firsts. So manty firsts. I can't even explain how emotional and soul sucking this year was for me. 

Dear B, October is my month of impulsive decisions. I never thought I would see myself in this position, where I constantly make poor life choices, not caring about my mental health, not caring about the growth I successfully endured and then totally spoiled it on the wrong people. It is surprising enough, that at this point of my life and age, I am gradually letting things slide, not giving a fuck and being frustrated but doing nothing about it... On top of that, in this time of crisis and pandemic, I am going on a trip with my family to the beach. It is another impulsive decision, however, this time not made by me, but I could've vetoed that, I didn't. I am honestly done. With crying over situations that I didn't take responsibility of.  It is safe to say, I didn't however, make any mistake that is going to cause me irrevocable damage. I just made mistakes that anyone at my age, is prone to make. And I allowed to grow like that. It is okay. For me being impulsive is a...

 I just found someone to completely get wasted with. I just want to have fun. I won't be young forever, so why not.

 Just when I thought I was completely fine, moving on, having no intense memory of him left in me, just when he called again, my wound opened up, and I cried to him, and started missing him again. However this time it is different. I told him, how being connected with him on social media has a negative effect on me and I have to unfollow him from everywhere and I didn't want to be mean so I asked him first. He didn't mind. So I am finally, detached from his social media. Not constantly checking his stories or post or his views on mine. And it is a wise step. He told me he was sort of seeing someone. I couldn't control my tears. I don't know why. I was so perfectly well before. I didn't care as much. Until he checked up on me, every hard work on moving on from him, disappeared in the dust. My hard work on keeping my emotions at bay. My hard work on finally moving past the pain...  We wished each other well. He said some sweet stuff. However, I cannot be his rehab. I ...

After what feels like forever, I have a new crush. He is from work. We talk about the most random things possible, but I like his gaze upon me. Butterflies are back. It feels all so familiar but newly familiar. I missed this feeling. Finally, I am moving on and finding other men attractive! Oh god, after the fling I had, I almost went numb. I always fancied an office romance but never in reality though. This new guy is cute and I may be attracted to him and nothing else, nothing is happening yet. I am just giddy my butterflies are back. :))

 Dear B, Glad to report you that I am very much alive. So far, my family is doing okay. So grateful for surviving each day, each week. It is a blessing from Allah.  I have submitted my internship report. Waiting for the final presentation of my undergrad study. Can't wait to finally be a graduate student. For now, me and my friends are planning to apply for post grad abroad. For next year intake. I need some fund. Which I have to manage from my aunty or uncle because my father has already so much in his shoulders. Can't pressurize him like that. My internship is still going on. It is till November. I just sincerely hope, me and my family survive this through pandemic. Nothing else I wish or hope for.  My mental state is better. Some days are hard. I try to keep in mind, life is not always going to be a smooth ride. And I try to be in the present moment instead of worrying about the future. I think it is better like that.  My dating life is on pause for now. I just do...

 he reached out to me only to get a closure i guess. and last night, I cried and it's the only time i cried after a long time. I guess I just saw it coming. I let my mind be busy and not think about where we stand, just as an escape. yesterday, I had to face that, the pain, the past whatever it was. and weirdly enough he apologized to me. I never thought he would ever. It is a bit difficult to finally accept we are over and done. I guess I still find myself somewhere in him. And to lose that, is ...I don't know if I am still ready. But I have to be. We are not right for each other. He was a wrong decision I made only to pain myself.  what's done is done, and cannot be undone. I am moving on, I have opened my dating profile again. I bet there is someone out there for me, who will love me with 100 percent of their heart and won't use me for my body. 

 Life is good. it is busy, soul sucking, exhaustion but a good exhaustion. i like how things are now. my mind is almost diverted from him and i think, he knows too, we don't have much left to work on. i will however, talk with him, if only he reaches out to me, until then, i am tight lipped. i don't know if i have covid tho, everyday, i am a risk factor for my family. but these days, i don't overthink much. did some shopping today, so my mood is really good. i am taking one day at a time. pray for me. and my family.

 dear b, I have started going to office, well it is an unpaid internship, I have to do it for the sake of completing my degree. There is obviously a lot of risk associated with me getting exposed outside right now. People are dying still. And everyday there is a new number of people getting infected. And at this state, I am working in a bank, it had been only 2 days, I have 3 months to complete and I am just hoping I survive and not infect my parents or my brother. It is a decision, I made, and if something happens to them because of me, I will never be able to forgive myself. Ever.  It is kind of like I am tiptoeing around the virus which can kill my lungs. When I think about it, it does scare me. I don't know what is gonna happen in the next few months, and I am just putting everything on Allah's hand, if he puts me through it, he will take me through it. I am as much as possible being careful. Not getting close contact with people.  Let's see. Let's stay positive....

 I don't know what to say. The pandemic is not over yet. But people are treating it like it has been. And the vaccine is on the way. I am in a mental state where,  I don't have much break downs. I don't wanna jinx it. I had depressive episode weeks before but now I am kind of okay. My skin is healing. I am okay with my progress, my growth since this pandemic happened. I am tutoring again, on a regular basis. I am also learning a song on ukulele. I am also reading a novel called- The Little Women. And I am also listening to a podcast titled- The Self love fix by Beatrice. And from here, I got to learn some tips. For example- The source of your worth should not come from how much work you accomplished, or like how people validate you or like how much productive you've been. You should feel worthy just by existing. And when you find your worth from external things, when those things disappear or gets taken away from you, you will feel empty inside. And I couldn't agree...

 I sang in the shower today, and felt this amazing rush of joy. With the music on, we all get a bit of escape from the reality. I convinced my parents, well almost, to let me apply for internships/jobs. They are half halfheartedly convinced. I don't know, this pandemic is not gonna be over anytime soon and I just. I can't anymore. I am mentally so exhausted that I need some peace. And if this is a trade off with my physical well being- I just need to take this risk because if I don't, I might regret it later. And let us see what happens. What is in store for me out there. I wanna be out there, so much. SO MUCH.  I almost cried getting out after like over four months. I was so giddy and stupid, watching from my car. I loved every bit of it. And it felt like, I took a lot of things in my life for granted. I am not going to anymore.   

So tomorrow, we are planning to head outside for a bit. My parents, my brother.  That's all I've been looking forward to whole week. I know I shouldn't be too excited, hence it will fleet with the moment. Better to live in the present, live for the present...This pandemic is not over, but maybe, we can get through this. My cousin and aunt are in recovery. They didn't need special care, it was moderate, the level of symptoms. Hopefully, they'll be fully negative after few weeks.... I still couldn't find any jobs, well I am not applying much and also my parents won't let me work outside home for now. So, my career is in pause.  2 weeks after, my friends are planning to have like meet up. Which is risky I know. But I hope to stay safe until then. I hope I get permission to go out. He lives in that area. 2 weeks, down, .If I manage to go out, my hands would itch to reach out to him. I know it is not a good idea to meet. We don't keep in touch. It would be aw...

I want to travel to places. I want to soak my feet on the galaxy sand of Hormuz Island  I want to see the northern lights, I want to see the auroras of Iceland  I want to ride a black horse in the middle of Saharan dessert, I want to dive deep in the Maldives and swim with whale sharks I wanna be kissed on a hot air balloon, roaming in the sky of Istanbul I want to meditate with the monks in Bali, I want to dance in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris I want to sit and read a book in train trailing through the greens of Switzerland I want to get high on my way to New Zealand, I want to have a cup of tea, watching the beauty of Tajmahal  I want to climb the mountains in Tibet, make snow angels I want to be in space too. Can I do this? Do I have much time? God knows.

Each day it is getting harder to find meaning, a purpose. Day 127.

My morning pep talk: Self growth happens when you don't settle for who you are and you believe you can be better, you can live better. There is no shortcut to success other than working hard, it is not a day's work, success is written when you do it consistently, when you don't give up on your goal. You will never be happy if your happiness depends upon pleasing others. It is a fact. Be kind to others but don't let their expectations guide you. Or don't fall victim to your own expectations of them. It is okay to not be loved, it is okay to be forgotten, it is okay to miss someone who doesn't feel for you as much. Maybe the reason you're missing them is, they are not available. It could be simply the lack of attention. Try detaching your emotions from your physical needs. Sometimes, we feel lonely because we are horny. We are not mentally attached, we are physically craving. It is okay, it is biological. It is okay to take a break from a ...

No matter how many times I have to pick myself up, I will be there to pick myself up. No matter, how much I feel like, I can't go on, being happy, I start to look for ways to make me happy, and even sometimes, MOST TIMES, it doesn't work, I still persistently somehow make it work, make it at least, to survival of the soul. No matter, how broken I feel, I mend those pieces together, with tenderness and compassion and I stand up and I carry myself, I take care of my heart. Everything that I need is within me. I don't have to look elsewhere. It is here. I cried to the point, where I felt, it is not possible to get over it and it felt so heavy and I didn't see a point in working on myself, for someone again. Today, I was feeling mentally down, since the morning but I don't know what happened, sort of like a magic, I realized,  I don't need him to want me. I don't need him altogether. His course in my life has ran out. I shouldn't drag this anymore. I shou...

when it is true love, which- is a controversial subject- they said, when it is actually love, the person would have the same wavelength as you. Meaning, you both would reach the same frequency. And it would be easy. You wouldn't feel like you have to work on yourself. You will be accepted as you are. Is it actually that easy? To find someone like that? And my question is, does it sustain? Do men sustain? I am so conflicted about this. I am still searching for that person. I want to feel happy, I really do. I don't want to wait for a guy to call me, I don't want a guy who doesn't remember to check in on me, or even care a bit. And make this false promises that he would. I am tired of this, B. I am tired putting myself out there and getting hurt again. It is like- I have all this love to give but nobody's there to want it. How do I miss someone who doesn't miss me as much or maybe has forgotten me. How do I remember all the microscopic details about someone...

Day- I just don't wanna count anymore. Is this an endemic? How long?  I never imagined this would be my state of worrying, I never imagined, this would be a problem, a traumatic event, that will shape our lifestyle and everything connected to our daily activities. Can you believe, you can't even hug when you need it so badly, you can't even touch the other person, when that could be the only thing you need for mental strength, a shoulder to cry on to when you're sick, when you're having trouble to breathe, when you don't know you can make it. Where is the sense of healing, when you have to isolate yourself completely and take care of yourself, practically, without getting others infected in the process, though you need mental support. This pandemic is a trauma for each and everyone in this world, because we still don't know how to prevent it completely, this micro organism against our body, we cannot, even though as many safety measures we take, see...

Day #121 Last couple of years, I kept on whining on me being broke, I would cry myself to sleep just because I couldn't afford expensive things, lipstick, shoes, clothes. I look at my life right now, I am not rich, or fully financially independent but I can afford myself almost of the things, I once thought were important. These things, once you get it, becomes, almost like, you know.  Today I can't go outside, for a coffee, for an expensive lunch, for shopping, and I am almost convinced, once pandemic is over, once I do all these things, I again will not feel sad.  But again, it won't mean anything, if I can't be with the people I love. The people that matters to me. Nothing, no materialistic things can replace human connection.  And I realize this.  And I maybe where I wanted to be, but everything feels kind of same. Incomplete.  But the only difference is, I learned how to live with it. You just keep going, no matter what. Keep going, ...

Day #115 One of my aunts got covid positive today. She has blood pressure and underlying health condition. My cousin sister is so worried and terrified, I can't imagine the things she is going through right now. Her dad passed away when she was in high school. Now my aunt is sick, it must be very tough for her. Hearing the news put me into perspective. This life is so unexpected. My aunt didn't even go out. Getting the virus was very unfortunate. I hope she recovers from this. I am going to start praying again. I am going to start waking up in the morning again. I had a depressive episode, now it's time to get up from it and count my blessings. Anyone reading this, I hope this finds you well. I hope you're okay, physically and mentally. We are all going through this together, the whole world. I know. Nothing is normal anymore. Every thing is topsy-turvy since this pandemic. This whole year and the upcoming year, is going to be a difficult one. We don't know...

Day #113 55 people died today. The number is always fluctuating. When you look at it as a number, a statistic, you would think, a country with almost over 161 million, having death rates with 2 digits isn't much but if you put them on a microscope, this 55 people have families, among them are somebody's fathers, mothers, daughters, sons. Everyday people are getting infected and it is not new anymore. We sit in front of the TV with our afternoon tea and watch the briefing with concern that, this virus thing ain't going anywhere anytime soon. This is our life now. At home. When all our lives are still at risk. Stress, financial condition, the economy moreover the health, both psychological and physical. My friend texted last night, how she just wants 2020 to be over. And I couldn't agree more. This year is a complete blunder. It messed us all up. I don't look at the future anymore, I don't wanna think what would come next, I only dream backward now. When we had...

Day #109 Honestly. I am just so sick of reaching out to random men from online app. I am done. I am not in a happy state to flirt or to entertain, myself or the other. I feel alone and it is okay. Quarantining over 100 days at home is tough enough. And I am human, a social being and craving to connect with someone, is absolutely fine and I don't feel guilty about it. But I legit, broke down when one night, I talked with this stranger and he was being himself, talking and talking and I found myself feeling, bored and utterly inadequate and mentally unequipped to enjoy the conversation we were having. Part of me wanted to say, you know what, I am not up for this for tonight, but I don't know why I felt like staying for a bit because I felt like, having someone on the line is less lonely. I stayed but I couldn't say or share much. It turned awkward and heavy and I started feeling drained out and we had a small clash of personalities, he was too outspoken and opinionated wh...

I had a legit break down and I am on the verge of making so many bad decisions. 

Day #105 I am trying to focus on having fun now. Without guilt. Without thinking the conventional way. You know you are your worst critic. Whenever I do something that gives me pleasure I keep terrorizing myself why I did what I did and if I deserve it or not. I want to have fun without overthinking the consequences. Here's to having fun, just because. Life's short. 

Day #102 I had a really rough week with emotional ups and downs. I keep obsessing over him, his likes on my feed, him viewing my story, these instant validations fogging my mind into having delusions again. Maybe he still wants me. Maybe we aren't finished, maybe he will call me again one day and we will catch up and be together. No matter, how secondarily I was treated while us lasted, I keep telling myself, we are meant to be together. When in utmost truth, we didn't hit the level of intimacy two people needs in order to be called a 'thing'. I cried my eye balls out again over him, I keep repeating the memories I had, I keep missing him day and night. I keep stalking his instagram like it is my oxygen and I can't do without it. I found his ex on a picture. And I stalked the crap out of her. There was a caption in her picture. It caught my eye. The pictures were taken in nepal and the caption said in 2017, at this exact place she made the worst decision of her...

The Self Love Experiment-Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself by Shannon Kaiser This is actually one of the realistic self-help books that I've read, there was no sugar-coating and the author actually kept it pretty raw and tried to reflect her struggles with self-love and insecurities. This book is more like learning to reflect on her reflections. I liked the positive affirmations on each parts of the book and I gotta say, this was empowering. I felt something really shift inside me. I think universe is trying to send me a message this year and I've been notified, more and more, about the fact that I have to love myself. Even the guy I had fling with, brought up the concept in between our late night conversations, he said once, "You don't love yourself. When you do, I'll be there." And it still rings in my head from time to time. Since the day we broke it off, I knew what I needed to work on. Self healing and ...