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 I don't know what to say. The pandemic is not over yet. But people are treating it like it has been. And the vaccine is on the way.


I am in a mental state where,  I don't have much break downs. I don't wanna jinx it. I had depressive episode weeks before but now I am kind of okay. My skin is healing. I am okay with my progress, my growth since this pandemic happened. I am tutoring again, on a regular basis. I am also learning a song on ukulele. I am also reading a novel called- The Little Women. And I am also listening to a podcast titled- The Self love fix by Beatrice. And from here, I got to learn some tips. For example- The source of your worth should not come from how much work you accomplished, or like how people validate you or like how much productive you've been. You should feel worthy just by existing. And when you find your worth from external things, when those things disappear or gets taken away from you, you will feel empty inside. And I couldn't agree more with her. Like all this time, I just sensed, whatever people thought of me, or whatever things I accomplished in my life defined the very identity of my self and made me worthy but ultimately I should be happy with myself, the way I am, without all this things.


And Self love is such a tricky subject, I am more and more trying to get to the root of it. Every book/podcast/video I watch on this actually educate me more and I am planning to do that. Self-awareness is so much important for significant change.


The current situation with me and men is that- I am not talking to anyone right now. Just because, I don't feel like it. Before I would try/impose myself to talk to strangers but now I am like, whenever I get an offkey text, texts that clearly portray how bored the person is and wants me to entertain him, I totally ignore those and I think I am happier than before.I don't put myself in situations where I have to make efforts anymore, because I think I am less and less in need of their validation and attention. I am happy with spending time with myself. And I would say, it is a progress.


I miss him, I do. Everyday, I remember him. But I don't need him. He was special and we had a great time together for a couple of months and now I am okay with being apart. The more that I love myself, the more and more I lose love for him. I am fond of all the good memories and despise the memories where he didn't treat me right or where he disregarded my feelings and I should have set some boundaries from my part as well. I think what happened, happened for a reason. The pandemic, the casualty of us, the stuff in between, everything was in a beautiful synergy to teach me a lesson. And I am glad, I had this lesson. And I feel like I have healed. I have gotten over the pain part. Which was the most difficult part. So nothing to worry about now. Your girl is gonna be okay. :) Thank you for sticking with me. 






 

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