Skip to main content

 I don't know what to say. The pandemic is not over yet. But people are treating it like it has been. And the vaccine is on the way.


I am in a mental state where,  I don't have much break downs. I don't wanna jinx it. I had depressive episode weeks before but now I am kind of okay. My skin is healing. I am okay with my progress, my growth since this pandemic happened. I am tutoring again, on a regular basis. I am also learning a song on ukulele. I am also reading a novel called- The Little Women. And I am also listening to a podcast titled- The Self love fix by Beatrice. And from here, I got to learn some tips. For example- The source of your worth should not come from how much work you accomplished, or like how people validate you or like how much productive you've been. You should feel worthy just by existing. And when you find your worth from external things, when those things disappear or gets taken away from you, you will feel empty inside. And I couldn't agree more with her. Like all this time, I just sensed, whatever people thought of me, or whatever things I accomplished in my life defined the very identity of my self and made me worthy but ultimately I should be happy with myself, the way I am, without all this things.


And Self love is such a tricky subject, I am more and more trying to get to the root of it. Every book/podcast/video I watch on this actually educate me more and I am planning to do that. Self-awareness is so much important for significant change.


The current situation with me and men is that- I am not talking to anyone right now. Just because, I don't feel like it. Before I would try/impose myself to talk to strangers but now I am like, whenever I get an offkey text, texts that clearly portray how bored the person is and wants me to entertain him, I totally ignore those and I think I am happier than before.I don't put myself in situations where I have to make efforts anymore, because I think I am less and less in need of their validation and attention. I am happy with spending time with myself. And I would say, it is a progress.


I miss him, I do. Everyday, I remember him. But I don't need him. He was special and we had a great time together for a couple of months and now I am okay with being apart. The more that I love myself, the more and more I lose love for him. I am fond of all the good memories and despise the memories where he didn't treat me right or where he disregarded my feelings and I should have set some boundaries from my part as well. I think what happened, happened for a reason. The pandemic, the casualty of us, the stuff in between, everything was in a beautiful synergy to teach me a lesson. And I am glad, I had this lesson. And I feel like I have healed. I have gotten over the pain part. Which was the most difficult part. So nothing to worry about now. Your girl is gonna be okay. :) Thank you for sticking with me. 






 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more