spring is almost here

So tomorrow, we are planning to head outside for a bit. My parents, my brother. 

That's all I've been looking forward to whole week.

I know I shouldn't be too excited, hence it will fleet with the moment. Better to live in the present, live for the present...This pandemic is not over, but maybe, we can get through this.

My cousin and aunt are in recovery. They didn't need special care, it was moderate, the level of symptoms. Hopefully, they'll be fully negative after few weeks....

I still couldn't find any jobs, well I am not applying much and also my parents won't let me work outside home for now. So, my career is in pause. 

2 weeks after, my friends are planning to have like meet up. Which is risky I know. But I hope to stay safe until then. I hope I get permission to go out.

He lives in that area. 2 weeks, down, .If I manage to go out, my hands would itch to reach out to him. I know it is not a good idea to meet. We don't keep in touch. It would be awkward. I just have some regrets that this whole 4 months of quarantine ruined us like that. Whatever we had between us is so fragile. It is just not worth the risk. If I meet him again, it is pretty much predictable that I'd fall for him again. And I can't put myself through it again. My self worth is bruised and still healing...

At this moment, I am not in pain. Yes I remember parts of him, yes I do hope we rekindle sometimes, yes I wish he would care for me but I don't hurt or cry. I feel so numb that it is okay if he moves on with somebody else. I am also looking to date again, somebody new. I have also, replaced that- single, broken, lonely part of me with- my life will go on without him, I need to find a job, I need something meaningful to do. 

Yes I stalk him, yes I keep eye on his social media presence, but it doesn't bring me to think- he should call me, or I should call him and tell him I miss him. It is simply a task of boredom, I am bored. No emotional attachments I have for this guy. I am just utterly bored.

And I don't wanna assume what he feels for me. And feel upset based on those assumptions. By the way, If I am assuming, shouldn't I assume things that make me feel good instead of shitty?

Instead of thinking, oh shoot, he doesn't want me anymore, I should assume, okay he is missing me, he is just caught up in his work, And whatever happened between us, was short and sweet and fun and it deserved to be lived in the moment, and I should be happy with the memory of it. Instead of assuming, okay it didn't work between us because of my short comings or his temper or whatever the situation the world put us through, I should think, we are both taking time off for ourselves and we will get back together, if we both feel it is the right thing to do and it should happen for the both sides and communication has to be done so and so. 

We feel sad, because we have this incessant thought bubbles in our head, always thinking the opposite of a feel good scenario, maybe just to shatter our ego and make us go back to all the other insecurities that need workings on its part. 

I am not 100 percent myself at all times, and I am not ready to give in to someone yet. I think it is best for me, to stay this way, my life is not incomplete without someone. I can complete it with other things, other bonds, other connections. Maybe, I need to build a good foundation so when someone comes into my life, he is already welcomed, and I am already so loved and he will only intensify it.

Working on yourself is the best gift you can give your future partner. 

And even if I stay single, I promise myself, I will my keep my soul content. I would accept myself as I am. I will love myself like someone I once loved. With pure intention and zero conditions.