Day #102
I had a really rough week with emotional ups and downs. I keep obsessing over him, his likes on my feed, him viewing my story, these instant validations fogging my mind into having delusions again. Maybe he still wants me. Maybe we aren't finished, maybe he will call me again one day and we will catch up and be together. No matter, how secondarily I was treated while us lasted, I keep telling myself, we are meant to be together. When in utmost truth, we didn't hit the level of intimacy two people needs in order to be called a 'thing'. I cried my eye balls out again over him, I keep repeating the memories I had, I keep missing him day and night. I keep stalking his instagram like it is my oxygen and I can't do without it. I found his ex on a picture. And I stalked the crap out of her. There was a caption in her picture. It caught my eye.
The pictures were taken in nepal and the caption said in 2017, at this exact place she made the worst decision of her life. In 2020 she made the right decision with the love of her life. I hit an epiphany. This girl, she met him in 2017 and I heard a lot about that trip from him, that's the trip where they finally started being a couple. He was her worst decision in life?
He said lot of ugly things about this girl but I stalked her with awe. This girl is a social butterfly and also she is very hot. It hit directly on my insecurities. I am not his 'type'. I told myself. I am so opposite to the girl he dated. Why did he choose me? Why did he pretend he is into simple things, when clearly he is not? I tortured myself a fair amount of time. I told myself, I am not hot enough or sexy enough to be with him. YOU ARE NOT THE NASTY THINGS YOU TELL YOURSELF. Rung to my ear. I am absolutely fine as I am. I looked at this girl with nothing but awe. She is different, as she is. We are never going to be the same. The fact that, I wished to be like her, is absolute nonsense. Also, whatever they had, is in the past. Whatever they had is never going to be comparable to what we had. The timing, the situation, the place everything is different. I quickly drew myself out of the incessant nonsensical thought bubbles.
He is not my soul mate. He is just a mere experience I had, which I needed for a push. I needed to grow out of my insecurities and love myself. I need to stop being this overthinking, obsessive girl. Nothing good can come out of this. I need to chase my dreams, not a guy who can't value me. Whose life surrounds only himself. Who is not ready for me or unsure of me. I know I tend to fall in love easily due to my childhood trauma of being left out. But this gotta stop. I have educated myself long enough to know my worth. I am not gonna be some girl to be tossed aside.
I have to fall in love with myself. It is a work in progress but I believe I am gonna wake up one day, feeling good inside my body. Feeling good that I exist and I am wonderful and I am worthy of love and affection. I am kind and compassionate and the universe will be kind to me too. I deserve full treatment. I am worthy.
I had a really rough week with emotional ups and downs. I keep obsessing over him, his likes on my feed, him viewing my story, these instant validations fogging my mind into having delusions again. Maybe he still wants me. Maybe we aren't finished, maybe he will call me again one day and we will catch up and be together. No matter, how secondarily I was treated while us lasted, I keep telling myself, we are meant to be together. When in utmost truth, we didn't hit the level of intimacy two people needs in order to be called a 'thing'. I cried my eye balls out again over him, I keep repeating the memories I had, I keep missing him day and night. I keep stalking his instagram like it is my oxygen and I can't do without it. I found his ex on a picture. And I stalked the crap out of her. There was a caption in her picture. It caught my eye.
The pictures were taken in nepal and the caption said in 2017, at this exact place she made the worst decision of her life. In 2020 she made the right decision with the love of her life. I hit an epiphany. This girl, she met him in 2017 and I heard a lot about that trip from him, that's the trip where they finally started being a couple. He was her worst decision in life?
He said lot of ugly things about this girl but I stalked her with awe. This girl is a social butterfly and also she is very hot. It hit directly on my insecurities. I am not his 'type'. I told myself. I am so opposite to the girl he dated. Why did he choose me? Why did he pretend he is into simple things, when clearly he is not? I tortured myself a fair amount of time. I told myself, I am not hot enough or sexy enough to be with him. YOU ARE NOT THE NASTY THINGS YOU TELL YOURSELF. Rung to my ear. I am absolutely fine as I am. I looked at this girl with nothing but awe. She is different, as she is. We are never going to be the same. The fact that, I wished to be like her, is absolute nonsense. Also, whatever they had, is in the past. Whatever they had is never going to be comparable to what we had. The timing, the situation, the place everything is different. I quickly drew myself out of the incessant nonsensical thought bubbles.
He is not my soul mate. He is just a mere experience I had, which I needed for a push. I needed to grow out of my insecurities and love myself. I need to stop being this overthinking, obsessive girl. Nothing good can come out of this. I need to chase my dreams, not a guy who can't value me. Whose life surrounds only himself. Who is not ready for me or unsure of me. I know I tend to fall in love easily due to my childhood trauma of being left out. But this gotta stop. I have educated myself long enough to know my worth. I am not gonna be some girl to be tossed aside.
I have to fall in love with myself. It is a work in progress but I believe I am gonna wake up one day, feeling good inside my body. Feeling good that I exist and I am wonderful and I am worthy of love and affection. I am kind and compassionate and the universe will be kind to me too. I deserve full treatment. I am worthy.
Comments
Post a Comment