Day #109
Honestly. I am just so sick of reaching out to random men from online app. I am done. I am not in a happy state to flirt or to entertain, myself or the other.
I feel alone and it is okay. Quarantining over 100 days at home is tough enough. And I am human, a social being and craving to connect with someone, is absolutely fine and I don't feel guilty about it. But I legit, broke down when one night, I talked with this stranger and he was being himself, talking and talking and I found myself feeling, bored and utterly inadequate and mentally unequipped to enjoy the conversation we were having. Part of me wanted to say, you know what, I am not up for this for tonight, but I don't know why I felt like staying for a bit because I felt like, having someone on the line is less lonely. I stayed but I couldn't say or share much. It turned awkward and heavy and I started feeling drained out and we had a small clash of personalities, he was too outspoken and opinionated whereas I am too shy and compassionate and he would say stuff to impress me but I was just not enjoying any of it. Long story short, after the conversation I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why I craved so much for a familiar voice. I reached out and texted my ex fling. He was asleep at that time. I know this is a bad decision, I still am not loving myself, I am utterly insecure and an emotional mess and still seeking validation, But the next morning when he called me, when I heard his voice after almost two months, all my nerves calmed down. He was so kind. He was compassionate and I felt this warm feeling inside of my heart. I don't have him back. But he has not disappeared. I don't have any expectations of him. He is just having a hard time in his life. And he told me to be patient. And that was enough for me. We don't have a meeting ground in this toughest of times and I don't know what we are. But this familiarity soothed my heart. I have no anger for him. For all the time, he triggered me. Realizing this was so liberating. Him telling me about his day and how he is living his life now, got me feeling all the beautiful things I used to feel for him before this ugly pandemic. When things were much simpler.
The fact that I am not hormonal and needy of him anymore, freed me from unhappiness and emptiness I was feeling. I don't wanna trash this relationship just because it didn't work. I want to cherish this. He taught me a lot of things. He helped me when I was lost. He took care of me. Men will be men but he is something special to me and always will be. He is my first love. My first trying out things. I can't demand myself to forget him. I want to remember all the good things. Things that made me dream, things that made me feel beautiful. It took me two months to reach out to him and be vulnerable. I wish I did that earlier. Cause I feel so good now. I feel whole. As in, I got my closure. My heart is filled with nothing but compassion for him. And I am not a lost puppy anymore. I am not yearning for his love. I am just happy I could hear his voice again. And I don't want to think anything beyond that.
In this hardcore world, all we have are the connections that we make. Things will fall apart eventually and bound to, but that doesn't mean, we have to hold grudge against anybody. Things can stay as pure as the first day we met. When we were two strangers and to this day, after so many days, we are miles apart but still close to each other. And that can't be changed even if I talk with millions of others. Because our story is still our story.
Signing off.
Honestly. I am just so sick of reaching out to random men from online app. I am done. I am not in a happy state to flirt or to entertain, myself or the other.
I feel alone and it is okay. Quarantining over 100 days at home is tough enough. And I am human, a social being and craving to connect with someone, is absolutely fine and I don't feel guilty about it. But I legit, broke down when one night, I talked with this stranger and he was being himself, talking and talking and I found myself feeling, bored and utterly inadequate and mentally unequipped to enjoy the conversation we were having. Part of me wanted to say, you know what, I am not up for this for tonight, but I don't know why I felt like staying for a bit because I felt like, having someone on the line is less lonely. I stayed but I couldn't say or share much. It turned awkward and heavy and I started feeling drained out and we had a small clash of personalities, he was too outspoken and opinionated whereas I am too shy and compassionate and he would say stuff to impress me but I was just not enjoying any of it. Long story short, after the conversation I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why I craved so much for a familiar voice. I reached out and texted my ex fling. He was asleep at that time. I know this is a bad decision, I still am not loving myself, I am utterly insecure and an emotional mess and still seeking validation, But the next morning when he called me, when I heard his voice after almost two months, all my nerves calmed down. He was so kind. He was compassionate and I felt this warm feeling inside of my heart. I don't have him back. But he has not disappeared. I don't have any expectations of him. He is just having a hard time in his life. And he told me to be patient. And that was enough for me. We don't have a meeting ground in this toughest of times and I don't know what we are. But this familiarity soothed my heart. I have no anger for him. For all the time, he triggered me. Realizing this was so liberating. Him telling me about his day and how he is living his life now, got me feeling all the beautiful things I used to feel for him before this ugly pandemic. When things were much simpler.
The fact that I am not hormonal and needy of him anymore, freed me from unhappiness and emptiness I was feeling. I don't wanna trash this relationship just because it didn't work. I want to cherish this. He taught me a lot of things. He helped me when I was lost. He took care of me. Men will be men but he is something special to me and always will be. He is my first love. My first trying out things. I can't demand myself to forget him. I want to remember all the good things. Things that made me dream, things that made me feel beautiful. It took me two months to reach out to him and be vulnerable. I wish I did that earlier. Cause I feel so good now. I feel whole. As in, I got my closure. My heart is filled with nothing but compassion for him. And I am not a lost puppy anymore. I am not yearning for his love. I am just happy I could hear his voice again. And I don't want to think anything beyond that.
In this hardcore world, all we have are the connections that we make. Things will fall apart eventually and bound to, but that doesn't mean, we have to hold grudge against anybody. Things can stay as pure as the first day we met. When we were two strangers and to this day, after so many days, we are miles apart but still close to each other. And that can't be changed even if I talk with millions of others. Because our story is still our story.
Signing off.
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