Everly

 Dear B, I don't know if this is how it feels to have a mid-life crisis.  Some days I feel like taking drastic steps to change my life, i.e colour my hair or cut it super short or leave the job and aim for something better and some days I'm stuck to the normal boring routine of sleeping, eating, going work and repeat.  I wonder when my life stopped being joyful or like full of things I once cared about.  My life now consists of my husband and I. We are not having kids, at least for near future. Having a baby is like not even the last thing in our minds. So here we are; just the two of us. Don't get me wrong, I love waking beside him and I cherish our moments together but sometimes, I feel like my life needs more than just the two of us. Like a purpose maybe, something that will drive me to do better and make more money I guess...I love traveling with him to places. Once we have our financials on check, we can save some money to travel. I do need to get my passport fr...

 Hi B,  I'm okay.  I want to believe I am.  Oh my brother's getting married next month.  He is having the reception in January. I am not too pumped to go back to attend though. I don't know it just stresses me out.  I have to ask for leave from work and currently they're understaffed. I'm not sure they will give me a soon enough decision and by the time the ticket prices will be crazy.  I don't know, will see.  Recently, I've been feeling sort of repulsed by my family. I feel like the person they used to know has been long gone. I feel like I'm not how I used to be. I'm different and they don't have the room to accommodate the newer version of me.  I'm seeing a therapist. I just had 2 sessions. I don't know if it's helping. I do feel kinda lost right now. There are things I want to do but I can't make myself do it. However, I've been making a little progress. I started exercising every day, which has been making me feel better...

 Hi B, I've been really anxious lately. I am not sure why I feel so mentally drained. Even after sleep, I feel exhausted...I had been overworking and not eating right.  Last weekend I was getting high on weed with two of my friends and something really horrifying happened. I was having a bad trip. I went into a panic attack.  Last night me and my husband had a ugly fight over moving into a new place ( I want to move and he wants me to focus on my career instead, which threw me off a little) and then I went into this repetitive mind racing thoughts and started weeping, I had a hard time breathing and eventually he calm me down. I've had hard times before but this two episodes kind of shook me. I thought my anxiety has been manageable before but after this I feel like it can be bigger than my control and maybe I need help? My husband gave me a number to contact for some free therapy sessions. I haven't gotten into it yet but I've thinking to get some help.  When distre...

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.

 I turned 30 yesterday. It kind of feels surreal. Though nothing has changed, it’s just a number I now call myself. I didn’t celebrate. I came back from Bangladesh yesterday and pretty much spent it on plane. I am also very jetlagged. I expected my husband would plan something but he was also exhausted. We went to his friend’s kid’s birthday and that was pretty much it.  I’m going home now on a train. My husband is staying back at his friend’s house as his leaves aren’t over. I will start work from tomorrow. So I am going home and as I sit in silence on a 5 hour train ride home, I can’t help but feel some kind of gloom. My trip back home went so fast. My heart was full seeing my family. However, I felt this sadness seeing my parent’s faces. They are old now. I didn’t spend much time with them though. I spent most times with my friends and my husband’s friends. I don’t know part of the reason might be I felt too sad looking at them and my brother who are all stuck in one place....

 Dear B,  2026 starts, we are already a month down.  Life's been kind of passing by.  I got a copper IUD recently. The procedure was quick but so painful. Now I'm okay. I still will have to be cautious. Here's to no more unplanned pregnancies! My job has been kind of meh. I should look for new jobs now actually now that I have some experience. The pay is not worth it. Don't get me wrong though I am super grateful for having a job 5 days a week. It is just that I have to push myself for the better. My husband has been kind enough to pay all the bills and with my money I only can afford some shopping here and there and a bit of groceries. He is actually doing a lot I give him credit for. I am super grateful but I have to stop being so comfortable and stuck.  Second time, I got assaulted by another homeless or I am not sure if he was actually a homeless. I was just crossing the road and my hands were occupied with grocery bags. This man just freaking punched me in ...

 Dear B,  Sorry I've been so MIA. Here's the update you missed - My husband came back! He wasn't approved for those 3 months of extension. I've been getting enough cuddles and kisses to survive this winter.  Yes, winter is here. Never underestimate the Canadian winter. It's the worst. Everything is grey and dark. However, I am looking forward to going home in March. I'm so excited to see my friends again. Most importantly my parents and brother. It feels a strange kind of feeling. I am planning to 'visit' the place I was born and call home. It is definitely a new kind of feeling.  Things been okay. We are okay. I am glad to have him back.  We bought a new couch and a coffee table. It's still in back order and I'm impatiently waiting for them to arrive.  Can't believe only 4 days left to 2026. Time is flying so quick. Hope we talk again, B. I swear I missed you!

 I came back from my trip. It was amazing 2 weeks of my life. Seeing him again after so long felt strange yet peaceful. I finally got to be in his arms again. 2 weeks flew by and now I am back home and back to work and normal hustle and bustle of life.  He got an extension offer and decided to stay for another 3 months. It is sad because he was supposed to be back next month. He asked me if he should take it and despite having my heart aching I supported him in the decision. It is not confirmed yet but he probably be staying another 3. Another 5 months of long distance. How am I going to survive the winter by myself? I don't know. Honestly, in my heart, I don't care about how much compensation he be getting. I miss him so much and this long distance thing is killing me inside. Today is Friday night and instead of cuddles and movie, I am home alone. No plans to look forward. No one to talk to. I am the loneliest girl on earth right now. He is probably sleeping and not picking u...

 Dear B, The trip is happening! I got the visa and I am so excited to meet my husband after like 4 months! Everything worked out at the end. We are good now. I can't believe I stressed myself so much for this. I still don't want to be too excited. I will take one day at a time.  Life is good overall. Time is moving slow now as I am just only thinking about the trip right now haha.  My work has shifted me to nearby location so that I am close to home effective from next month, which has been a blessing really.  Yeah, I am actually very grateful. 

 Dear B, I am writing to you with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears. This last 3 days I went through the 5 stages of grief all together.  The trip I was looking forward to with my husband is probably not happening because I am faced with technical issues to submit the visa on the website. I am at a dead's end. Everything I tried is failing. All this uncertainty is causing havoc on my mental health and my relationship. Last night, I had an argument with my husband. He said some things that made me feel so small. I am not mad at him. I am just disappointed. I guess I said some things too.  I guess what hurts the most is I was so excited to see him this September. I was counting on days. Planning on outfits to wear. He planned a whole travel itinerary. For the first time, I was feeling really taken care of.  Things don't always go according to plan. It is okay. That's the beauty of planning. You can change it. For now, the plan is if the trip does not happen, I will ...

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...

 Dear B, I realized when I have nothing much to do that is when I miss my husband the most. That is when loneliness creeps in.  Today was one of those days. I tried doing yoga, watching shows, and cooking dinner. However, my mind keeps racing and I lose focus. The show keeps playing on the background and I do other things.  I did clean the refrigerator for the first time. Felt good after seeing a clean fridge.  I have work the next two days so at least I will keep busy those days.  I did meet few new people last week. It was nice actually meeting people my own age for a change.  Yeah, today, I honestly feel kinda meh.  Hope this time flies fast, I am counting down the days to reunite with my husband.   UGH

 Hi B,  I have been going through a lot of phases.  Living alone is certainly a challenge. I am discovering parts of me that I did not imagine has existed to me before. I found myself choosing new outfits and new colours. I am going to donate a bunch of my old clothes that I held into for a long time without reason. I feel really disgusted by the old self. It is like, I am shedding my skin and embracing the self that was hiding under it.  I gave the new friendship another chance and I feel better. We hung out last night and had good conversations. I am grateful that I found someone in this lonely city to talk about life with. Still it is very new so I don't want to put too much expectations. Adulting is hard itself and it won't be always possible to make time and effort for each other. I have accepted that and trying to be more understanding through the process.  My husband and I don't get to talk much as he is working really hard and busy with the new work situ...

 Dear B,  Who knew adult friendships could be this hard to maintain? I have been trying more than ever to make new friends or revive my old connections and I realized it takes two to build it. From my part, I have been so open and welcoming but felt sort of rigidity from the other side. It is so hard being alone in this city, B. I did not know it would be this hard honestly. It reminds me of my primary school days where I had a hard time making friends and being social. It is like, every fibre of my being wants to be accepted and belong but there is somehow a block. I know it is nothing personal. Everyone is busy but it just hurts that I put on the effort and get blank responses.  I did talk with one of my old connections after years. He lives in Australia. We became friends from Tinder but we never met in person. We have had conversations in the past where we both were very vulnerable with each other. Honestly, in this whole lonely city, being thousands miles away, surpr...

 Hi B,  There has been so many changes for me recently.  I have been working part-time.  My husband went offshore for work. We are going to do long distance for 6 months.  I made a new friend. We went to same university back in BD. It was really nice catching up with her. We never actually talked back in the day. Practically strangers but it felt really good to finally talk to people my age.  I am living alone! This is the 2nd day and I already miss him so much.  Since when did he become such an integral part of my life? Our apartment feels so empty and lifeless.  It is okay, I have to hang on for this 6 months. I have to endure the change of seasons. I have to make sure I get home safely everyday. I have to explore the city, potentially make more friends.  So this is how it is for now.  I feel like these changes would be good for making me strong and brave.  So I am open to it.  I will update you more as the day goes by. For n...

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...

 Dear B.  Past few days have been really tough on me given that I started a new job and I was feeling really shaky and anxious about everything in my life. It messed with my sleep, my mood, my appetite, relationship with my husband, and overall made me lose connection to myself. I felt so down and something just didn't feel right.  Today, I feel really calm and collected. I realized when hard times come, it is really important not to lose hope. It is so easy to give in to it and let the mind narrate a story that is far from reality just to put ourselves at unease. However, we have to remind ourselves as many times as we can that it is a temporary feeling and let it pass without putting more thoughts into it.  On the bus rides, countless times I have victimized myself thinking "I am not worth it" or "I am so poor", "Maybe I'll lose this job", "Maybe my husband will stop loving me", "He doesn't make any efforts" and it only pu...

 Hello B, I had a crazy night and an anxiety episode few days back. I was drunk and for some reason, I channeled a very sad energy and started sobbing in public. It was the first day of my work too and I guess I was too overwhelmed.  I just remember in the girl's washroom at the club, I was crying to some stranger and she was so nice and kind and told me it is completely normal to feel this way.  I guess I surpassed a lot of feelings inside and it all came out and I just couldn't handle it.  I remember crying so hard.  I also opened up to my husband how unhappy I had been lately and that we don't go out and spend couple time anymore. He listened and said he is now going to make efforts.  I was thinking very negatively about everything and it didn't do me well. I felt like I was in such a bad place oh god.  I have to take care of myself well. I have to make time to process feelings and also try not to be so insecure.  My insecurity stems from me fe...

 Hey B,  I got a job offer. It is part-time and long distance from my area but it is a start.  I had gone through a lot emotionally and psychologically that at this point, I will take whatever comes my way. It is not that much of money but it is still something to get my dignity back.  I am still awaiting responses from other interviews but I said yes to this one for now. My heart said, you should not let go of it. So I listened to my gut and took it.  I know I can work hard and do better. I know this will help me to reconcile myself and get myself on a track. At least, now I see a path ahead of me. I am not so scared anymore. I know everything will work out at the end.  There is no gain without pain. I know this long hour bus rides will be tough but I also do know it will give me a purpose to wake up and hustle. I know I will meet new people. I know I will learn something. I am excited for that.  I am proud of myself that I took charge and showed up f...