I’m 30

 I turned 30 yesterday.

It kind of feels surreal.

Though nothing has changed, it’s just a number I now call myself.

I didn’t celebrate. I came back from Bangladesh yesterday and pretty much spent it on plane. I am also very jetlagged. I expected my husband would plan something but he was also exhausted. We went to his friend’s kid’s birthday and that was pretty much it. 

I’m going home now on a train. My husband is staying back at his friend’s house as his leaves aren’t over. I will start work from tomorrow. So I am going home and as I sit in silence on a 5 hour train ride home, I can’t help but feel some kind of gloom.

My trip back home went so fast.

My heart was full seeing my family. However, I felt this sadness seeing my parent’s faces. They are old now. I didn’t spend much time with them though. I spent most times with my friends and my husband’s friends. I don’t know part of the reason might be I felt too sad looking at them and my brother who are all stuck in one place. No change in their lifestyle. You know my whole life I have lived with them and I haven’t seen much transition. I felt most emotional for my brother who at 30 hasn’t experienced much and still acts like a kid.

It bothers me because I know someday, my parents won’t be there and I don’t know how he will survive the loneliness.

I know I will be alone someday too but for some reason thinking about him being alone someday breaks my heart. I don’t know what old age has it for us. We came in this world together. We might not leave this world together. That thought just breaks my heart. I will always wonder where he is and if he is alright.

Damn, I don’t want to cry in public but the vacation blues is really hitting me.

Happy thoughts… okay. 

More days pass and I start to realise the monk life is probably for the best.

Detachment is the ultimate source of peace.

I can’t be happy knowing everything and everyone is transitory. The love I built; the relationships I have. 

I too will have to leave them someday or they will leave me.

What’s the point of all this affections and attachments when they are only going to drift apart. 

You know what B?

Let’s close the door to building attachments.

Let’s open the door to self improvement and self care.

I can’t deal with all these emotions anymore. I have to step away.

Part of the reason I am not having any kids.