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your pain is yours

 Dear B,

I am writing to you with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears.

This last 3 days I went through the 5 stages of grief all together. 

The trip I was looking forward to with my husband is probably not happening because I am faced with technical issues to submit the visa on the website. I am at a dead's end. Everything I tried is failing. All this uncertainty is causing havoc on my mental health and my relationship.

Last night, I had an argument with my husband. He said some things that made me feel so small. I am not mad at him. I am just disappointed. I guess I said some things too. 

I guess what hurts the most is I was so excited to see him this September. I was counting on days. Planning on outfits to wear. He planned a whole travel itinerary. For the first time, I was feeling really taken care of. 

Things don't always go according to plan. It is okay. That's the beauty of planning. You can change it.

For now, the plan is if the trip does not happen, I will take care of myself. Fully. I will do the things that are long overdue. 

I have an arm pain that I need to see doctor for. Or get a massage. I need to get a new pair of glasses. I need to get a dental checkup. I need to spoil myself and maybe get a manicure and pedicure. Maybe attend the babyshower my friend invited me to but I said no because I was planning on going to this trip. If the trip does not happen, I will definitely go and meet my pregnant friend and be there for her.

For now the plan is to be with myself. Take the space. I don't know how to be okay with him because he hurt me. I don't owe him to be okay. I have to take care of myself now because the pain I am feeling right now is absolutely wrecking me inside.

Whatever happens, I accept it. The only way from this is to live and move on. 

Just live. 

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