friendships

 Dear B, 

Who knew adult friendships could be this hard to maintain?

I have been trying more than ever to make new friends or revive my old connections and I realized it takes two to build it. From my part, I have been so open and welcoming but felt sort of rigidity from the other side. It is so hard being alone in this city, B. I did not know it would be this hard honestly. It reminds me of my primary school days where I had a hard time making friends and being social. It is like, every fibre of my being wants to be accepted and belong but there is somehow a block. I know it is nothing personal. Everyone is busy but it just hurts that I put on the effort and get blank responses. 

I did talk with one of my old connections after years. He lives in Australia. We became friends from Tinder but we never met in person. We have had conversations in the past where we both were very vulnerable with each other. Honestly, in this whole lonely city, being thousands miles away, surprisingly I found some comfort in him. I told him, all I need for now is a good friendship. He told me to get some wine and we are gonna catchup tomorrow through video chat. I am kinda relieved, in this very scarce time, I have someone to hear and be heard. 

I had a small argument with my husband today morning. Since then, my mood has been kinda off. I just feel like everything is too overwhelming for me right now. I am still soaking in the little independence I have with the part-time job in trying to afford little things. He just wants me to pursue a degree right now but I want to do it at my own pace. 

What I don't like is that he kept nagging me and sort of pressuring me to do stuff and I just got pissed off. I appreciate him wanting better things for me but this is not helping. 

I will do it when my heart is ready and right now I don't feel ready. 

Also, I feel since few months our romance is kind of off. I wish he was more kind to me and accepting of me right now. I just feel overwhelmed B. I still cry from time to time because I feel like I am a small fish in a big pond and I am alone. 

I know I am a good person. I know I deserve to be loved and appreciated. I have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil since the day I landed in this country. 

I killed our baby for him. I settled for one bed room apartment. I left my family and my friends back home. I left my job and started from scratch here. It has been only a year, B! I didn't take time off to explore or do something for myself. I barely do stuff for myself. Don't I deserve some time off to figure out myself? Relax. take a breather?

I know career is important but at what cost? The cost of my mental health?

You don't think I want to be a mother someday? You don't think I want to live in a house with stairs? You don't think I want to be loved and respected as a wife? 

I have been crying my eye balls out and I am letting it flow. It is my feelings and I will let it do its thing. 

I will be kind to myself and be giving and be open despite the world being so heartless. I will take care of myself and love myself because there is nothing else I can do at this time. I have told the universe I need a friend and the one with a good kind heart will find me so. 

I don't have to worry. 

There is nothing to worry. 

I give all the worries to the universe and it will take care of it.