Everly

I just realized one thing by my brother's attitude toward life. No matter how hard boys show them to be, inside they're just as fragile as butterfly wings. I don't know what's wrong with my brother, he's behaving like he's on period all the time. He's sad, frustrated, hates his life, hates himself, hates studies and everything just stresses him out. I don't see him smile anymore. He doesn't come out when people come over to our house to say hi. He doesn't appreciate anything anymore. He just judges. Life, god, fate, our parents. And I feel like I have passed this phase long ago. He is my twin yet it seems like he's my baby brother. Trust me, my voice cracked, I spoke for over an hour, trying to make him understand he can get over his frustration just by accepting everything the way it is. Accepting his fears, his flaws, tiredness. But every time we are in the same page again. He has to face his fears, now or never. He asks- "What ...

 To be honest- today would be the first time in whole week, I'm feeling kinda hopeful. Today, the classes were unbearable! My head was exploding, my tummy hurt and I was so distracted by the heat. Out of all rooms in the building, the ac in ours doesn't work. Even when I get lack of sleep, I try to focus in this classes, note down every point and detail. But today, my pages were blank and apparently a nap is all I'm hoping for.

I'm feeling terrible right now. I am so busy at whining and crying at my pretty wonderful life that I almost always manage to forget to whom I'm telling these things to, whom I'm sharing it with. I am born with this amazing quality- I am so bad at consoling people and I am so bad at listening them also at first because I'm like- too filled up with my own whining and  crying energy. So I made someone cry about her lost father and now I am blogging about it because I feel terrible. And this is my only treatment to stop crying like an idiot. She's my closest cousin and I just can't bear it that I made her cry. And It was so stupid of me to even tell her that- Guess what I cry too at night. About what? I have nothing to cry about. I have my loved ones still here with me. You know loving someone can be really scary. You lose only what you cling to. And losing anyone in my family is my biggest fear. I never want to experience that extreme pain. I never want t...

I woke up one night, I was too restless to sleep. I couldn't even close my eyes for a second. I was constantly thinking. And there came a pause. It was as if, my mind split in half. I was fighting myself at one, and again defending myself at the other. "Shut up!" I whispered to myself in the dark. "Nobody is looking up to you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.You're fighting your own battle. What they do, is none of your concern. What they can do, should not make you doubt yourself. You should focus on YOU. JUST.YOU." And suddenly I was sure of what I want. Sure of my goal and sure of what should I do and can to achieve. Suddenly I was estimating my success and failure without stressing over other people's achievements and their story. My thoughts that were scattering before, came automatically collected into one. I wasn't looking for the possibilities anymore, I found it. I manipulated my mind. And felt like I was in control. I was in...

Most parents address their child's dream outside of the so called "job world" as- irrational, hobby, impossible. And I wanna speak for the child. You have no idea how by not supporting her interests you're crushing every ounce of her hopes and dreams. She just wants to figure out what she was supposed to become. She wants herself to be found first, not reformed. She wants to see the world out there and she just wants it so bad that her heart can't settle into one big ambition. She just realizes she's an investment of your choice. She's chained to what you choose for her life for you say, you know the best for her. She realizes she can't get out of the outline of the box because she's been designed not to escape it. She's bound to go with your expectations. She's a performer for your goal. She has to score so you can have a sigh of relief that she can be on her own now. It's like raising a caged bird and suddenly you have a feeling th...

Mysha and I went to the rooftop while it was raining today. Well barely raining. I made a "This is all you've got?" face at the sky, making through the swing. But the weather wasn't bad and I hated being stuck at home so I didn't mind. And well, Mysha was there so I didn't have any reason to be bored. "The clouds are peeing" I told her. Oh how much I missed being goofy with her, she's like- my soul sister. We share dreams, that always stays within just dreams . Today we were two dreamy girls sitting at our old swing set; looking up the sky, catching raindrops in the eye and laughing like fools. If all else fails (Meaning if I fail to get into a decent varsity and be jobless) I'd be a youtuber and she'd be my co-worker, and we'll make awesome videos and people will subscribe. we're not gonna be like naila naeem I assure you that, we'd be the decent kinds. And we even thought about what kind of videos we'll post...Mysha...

“I weary for desires never guessed, For alien passions, strange imaginings, To be some other person for a day.” -“The Starling” by Amy Lowell

I've decided to spend this night with Math. I like it hard ;) I think this is time to face my fear SO I am dedicating one sleepless night to this astonishing subject that kills my patience more than anything ever could, and thou o my soon to be beloved(I hope so)  MATH I am dedicating this night just to get along with you. May the odds be ever in our favor.

I find it hard to wake up in the morning, especially when I'm depressed like this. There's still a part of me, thinks it's too late now, to do anything. And I know this thought is not completely irrational. I am late to realize. I have this 2 months, barely, to pull everything together. I could've done that when I had plenty of time to sober up from the start. I wasted that time in waiting. And that's my biggest mistake. Now I feel it's actually "late" to put everything in place, to make everything alright before it's broken. I feel like it's gonna take a lot, a lotttt of work and in a limited time and such little mental strength aren't helping it. I can't afford to be depressed right now. But I am. I am sleeping excessively to ignore the fact that I'm running outta time. I have to jump out from this system, this old habits and I have to be mentally ready so I can do this. I have to stop thinking about my failures. And I have to st...

I screwed up. And I needed this. I needed to make me feel bad enough to start fresh. I feel bad ENOUGH. I feel like I've crushed my parents' hearts into pieces. After all they've done for me, I handed them this, this shit grade. And maybe everything happens for a reason. I just have to find my reason and start working on it. Seriously, I've never felt so fierce in my life, like I must...MUST get the admission. I MUST sit on that table and MUST start studying and MUST focus on it. Because I can't afford going through this again, I can't afford breaking my parents' expectations again, This has to be it. This has to be my salvation. Abbu, Thank you. You've always been so understanding. I still can't figure out what I did to deserve you! You're a blessing to me. 

Tomorrow is the big day. The more I tell myself not to think about it, I'm thinking about it. It's not going to be the end of me tho. I mean whatever grade I might get, I could eventually overcome it by passing the varsity test-the ticket to my desired road. So, I shouldn't actually get distracted by the result tomorrow even if I do well. This will not be the end of me like I said, there are many more exams to attend and results to receive in life and so this is just the beginning. I guess I'm worried about disappointing my parents. I don't have much expectations, I know I can handle a bad grade or so. But the tension arises, when I have to face my parents. They have a group of families to tell my result to. And if I don't get an A+, they'd be ashamed in front of them all because of me. And I never want to deprive them of their comfort, their pride, their statuses. This is the scary part, I have no control over my results now, I did what I could in the ex...

70 days. I counted.    “My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into a tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well-the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.” If I want to meet my future being, I have to let these two forces collide. If I don't start forcing myself right now, it won't meet the person at the very end waiting for me, they won't reach each other. The main question here is- Do I wa...

I have to admit, I am no good at book reviewing. Despite that, I am going to review this one book that I've just finished last night. Because it made me feel something. And I have to at least say, how much I loved it, how much it fed my soul, how much I am inspired by it. And by it I mean Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat,Pray,Love.   Mostly, I listened to the audio book on youtube instead of reading it. I read the whole part of Italy in the book and I realized I couldn't make time to continue it. So what I did every night, I turned on my pc, connected the headphones and listened to the book while lying on my bed eyes half closed, the narrator was Elizabeth herself. I really loved it, I could visualize what she wrote in the book. And her traveling story. I loved the fullness of it. Like she knew how to put sentence after sentence to feed the mind of a reader. It was like she was present with me, telling me her exotic stories of spiritual practice and I felt like she knew me, sh...

I just heard the sexiest voice in class today and I was even having perverted thought about the guy who inherited that sexiness. By the way, he was our new lecturer, the old one kind of abandoned us because well, he opened up a new coaching for more cash. Okay so I was kind of expecting someone better from the old lecturer we had, because it's maths I am concerned for. When I heard the voice of the new lecturer (who's by the way in the last semester of IBA and not so important but omg I liked his forearms) I thought "Oh no. This is going to get hard to concentrate." And yeah, it was hard to focus on the class but not because I was hugely attracted to his voice and biceps but because of the lack of his professionalism. I was devastated. I didn't come here as a joke. He has to be passionate about this. He should use that bad ass voice to take me into the maths- the most boring and complex subject in the world, and he has to at least behave like a teacher not a stud...

Why do we have to wait when technology rules this century? Why do we have to fucking wait in a fucking line, in a passport office and why are they so corrupted? My family and I went to the passport office today, to get our passports renewed and never did I imagine they'd complicate such an easy process. And the place- it's booming with people, laborers and ladies wearing burkas all stitched up in one line, almost squished to the door and wow the staffs, all this time, I thought I was the laziest person on earth, always delaying on whatever task I'm given but no. There are far slower, lazier persons on earth and all of them work in the passport office of Bangladesh. Shocking as it is, they work smoothly without delay if payed, they speed up when they are handed extra cash. I hated every minute rather I say every fucking hour wasted standing there. They just linger for money. Aren't they payed already for doing this job, why they have to be so greedy? When the proced...

“The Bhagavad Gita--that ancient Indian Yogic text--says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert , Eat, Pray, Love   She stole my dream. The first thing that came to my mind while conversing with my aunt's sister, who just came from US last month, and since I've been always out of topic in such conversations, with people I barely know of, so I sorta asked her how she was doing. She has graduated and now she'd be doing Phd in the university of Alabama, oh as it gets better, she got her own apartment! I was literally envying her. But after gossiping like- Idk time went pretty fast, she's a gossiper, and very giggly I'd say, so even I had to force myself to speak. What I understood, by talking with her, is that- I am obsessed about traveling into a  new place and shopping and eating foods from street buses in US, and she- she is...

Time is slipping away. My mind constantly keeps track of what I lose, and of the remains- the memories. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel like- everything is moving so fast around me. And I have to hold on to it. I have to pause everything from moving past me. I have to, for one moment be present. Be here, right now. Not look back, neither forward. Just here, soul and body. Here . What I feel? Let's just say: I don't feel like labeling memories, nor am I thinking about what life has in store for me. I feel content and the presence of my soul. You know, there's a huge difference between contentment and happiness. When you're happy, your mind is restless, you're thinking every possibilities. You forgive, forget and make your decisions pretty quick. You get extra something. Like an energy, to accomplish something because you're feeling positive about everything. When you're content, your mind is at peace. Doesn't matter for how long, but you can s...