spring is almost here

Confession #18

I’ve been busy. Tired mostly. I don’t know what happened to me these days.  

And I have so much to confess. I don’t know if I could make it. I’m feverish. And I feel like I’m gonna throw up anytime. My apatite changed. And I have stat exam tomorrow. But I didn’t study a thing.

Yesterday I fell asleep in stat class, and sir called me up. I woke up and he asked me if I was okay, If I had fever, If I was having a headache. In reply to his odd queries, I just shook my head three times. Yeah, it was awkward. But he didn’t scold me or anything, he then continued the class on track. And I got into thinking- I was fully okay, I didn’t have a fever, no not that time, my head wasn’t aching. I was deeply asleep in his class which I said it indirectly by shaking my head three times. “Yes, your class is boring!”  Gosh! I should’ve said that I wasn’t okay, that I was having some kind of headache. I would’ve even got some sympathy from him then. And he wouldn’t get offended by my sleeping on his lecture.

Why am I making such a fuss about it? Don’t you remember? He’s my crush for like a year now. Yes, if he gets offended by me, it’s a big deal. And I know he got offended. Because he said few things about sleeping during class yesterday. I didn’t dig it much until when he brought up the issue again today. He was partly indicating me. I felt embarrassed and listened to him more carefully than usual.

But a part of me was dazzling to see him upset, it felt like, he values my attention. And I somehow exist to him. When he called up my name, I was waken up. I was kind of astonished. I don’t know why but every time when he calls me by my name, I get awkwardly happy. I don’t react much but I actually grin in my mind.

And the time he asked me if I was okay and all that, I was happily shocked. J He’d not  asked any other girls of their health if they nap in classes. He would send them straightly out of the class when they do such a thing. But he didn’t send me out, instead he asked me if I was okay. He cared about me. Is that making any sense to you? You won’t understand how much it meant to me. All this time I thought I don’t exist to him. But that split second, I felt like I did. And that he never sent me out of the class. He never said I was stupid. He always talked so politely to me. I kind of love it when he grins at me or when he pats my hair or pulls me by ear. You have no idea how much I like him and his sweet punishments.

Confession #19

The side-effects of reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

I don’t want to get married to some virgin. YES. Decided. I want someone who has already done it and experienced it well enough. I don’t really blame the book. Maybe I got that kind of idea because in our culture, we have to get married to a complete stranger. No scope of knowing if he’s impotent or pedophile or physically awkward till the marriage thing happens. What if I get married to an impotent, I wouldn’t know that until the wed night. It’s frustrating, no?  

Not saying that I prefer myself to lose virginity before marriage. I just want to know someone before I get stuck up with him the whole life. And I want him to be experienced and darn sexy. I want him to guide me when we’re doing it. Because wouldn’t that be awkward and confusing for loosing each other’s virginity at the same time? I want my first time to be educational, I want to feel it with someone who already knows the feeling. And obviously, my first time would be the person I’m gonna get married to. I’m not American, I can’t afford sleeping with bunch of guys and end up with a divorce. I also can’t afford non-virgins in my country unless it’s their second marriage. No wonder why I always fall for married guys. :P So as I’m too gonna get married to some complete stranger, I’d be dying to have this talk with him-

“Have you done it with somebody before? No, no, it’s completely okay if you had it. Past is past!” “You’re not impotent, are you?” “Obviously not a pedophile?” “Are you HIV negative?” “I hope you don’t watch animal porn, OMG DO YOU?” “Let’s play fifty shades of grey, You be my Christian Grey, I’d be your Anastasia!” (Who am I kidding?!) “Do you know all the positions described in Karma Sutra?”  

*Before you get the wrong idea, let me tell you something, I also want him to be loyal. Then it’d be okay if he’s a virgin. Sex isn’t everything. I mean, if he’s awfully good in bed but inside a cheater, I wouldn’t want that, no. So the bottom line is  I want a loyal, handsome, sexy humored, hot typo. And the world is not a wish granting factory.

**I can see you reading my confessions and grinning at me. What’s so funny? Yes, my friends’ calling me a horny, is kind of making sense to you right now, isn’t it? Stop it. Don’t you judge me, okay? I’m not horny, I don’t always talk about those or my crushes, I have so many other things to talk about too, yeah you’ll see. -_-