spring is almost here

Confession #10

I thought, true love existed. I thought, it’s an amazing feeling, like a drug. That it has a habit of coming back. That nobody can ditch this sort of feeling.  A splendid feeling. Which I had not felt yet.

But you know what? I always fancied what would it be like to fall in love. How awesome would it be if I had a boyfriend. How cheesy would it be to get waken up by morning texts. Goodnight texts. Kisses. Hugs. Dates. Okay, not so sure about kisses. But I wouldn’t mind hugging. It’s always been just a fantasy. 

To be honest, I don’t blend in with everyone. I don’t talk to everyone. I am selective and at times a critic. I never talked to boys, you know “flesh and blood”, other than just brothers or cousins’ type a boys. I never really speak to them unless I’m spoken to. It feels awfully awkward  to even making eye contact with them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Am I extremely boy shy? Maybe. I get nervous around cute and handsome ones.

Maybe because that I’m in a girls’ college and never been to co-ed. I’m so much around girls and sisters and all female parties that boys seem like completely different species from another world now. I feel attractions, I do. But true love isn’t something that goes along with that. Maybe when I’ll go to some co-ed Uni I’d talk with them, be friends with them. But love-affairs? Oh no. I’d suck at that.

And seeing my sister getting hurt by the boy she used to love and cared a lot, it changed its whole aspect. My sister used to love this guy in her uni, and this guy was hugely attracted to her, used to stare at her the whole class. And you know, they would meet up, talk but never called each other on phone. Texted and chatted. And the guy was lingering on her, never saying things up straight. My sis told me he loved her truly and she loved him too. Then she would cry because he’d never propose to her or take her on a date. So one day, she straightly asked him, where it was going. And he said he was just being friendly all this time. It hurt my sis like crazy. She was always crying and wiping and praying for this pain to leave her. And that she would get a good loving husband and look, she did get some one. Now she’s gonna get married. Where did the pain go? Where did the thousand feelings for that one guy vanish?  

When her ex one heard the big news, he got shattered and regretted that if only he’d tell her that time he loved her. But damages are done. My sis already moved on. She might have some feelings for him but those are pity feelings. She’s now all focused on her fiancé. That’s how love worked in her life.

Don’t know about me. How would I even consider talking with a guy, walk hand in hand, share one smoothie and never get a heart attack when he’d kiss me on my forehead or sniff my hair. I don’t know, how would I manage.

True love is what they say, insane. And I’m not up for it. Because people change, feelings change. And heartbreaks have an expiry date. And also there is a crisis of decent guys on earth. And then there is my Ammu who does the work of FBI, who would cut me into pieces if I’m ever, ever caught up in a love affair.

A funny thing happened to me, a while ago. I was struggling with the new pair of lens. I’m a newbie. I never tried on lens before and I’m a eyes sensitive, a creep. So yeah, I couldn’t put them on since yesterday when my dad brought it. My sis already coped up with her lens, she’s been using few months now. So she told me how creepy it’d feel at first. Then it’d become all flexible. But I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable putting on them, because the first time on my right eye was totally a disaster. I thought I’d become blind in one eye when I couldn’t get it out.

I thought the lens got into the lower part of my eye, folded, I screamed out, startled, shaking. My sis laughed, because It didn’t actually go inside my skin part area. It was on my eye, I was wearing it. I couldn’t blink, I was crying to get it out then my sis pinched it and got it out, it was a sigh of a great relief that I didn’t get blind by that creepy little lens thing.

I wonder why I was so fanatic about lens before, I forced my father to get me lens and now that I got it, I can’t put those on even for once. Ugh. It sickens me. I struggle way too much with these. And I am still shaking.

 My parents weren’t home so I got scared much more. I thought what’d we do, nobody’s home, lens stuck under my eyes, who’d take me to the doc to get it out! Thank god I had my sister who rescued me from a minor thingy that just happened a while ago. I’m never wearing that thing again. At least when nobody’s home!

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