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So right at this moment I am having a box of ice-cream to reduce my grief- that I myself created in the first place.
Lately, I've been wondering, where my self-esteem at?  I have been forcing myself to like a guy just because he was first saying sweet cheesy romantic things to me and made me feel special and I ended up hugging him when saying goodbye. To make one thing clearer- Hugging or being even slightly close to guys is taboo in our family. If I see from my family's perspective- I have done a whore-able thing.
I don't know if I am one of those girls, whose only thing in life is thinking about men. I don't know if I am turning out to be one. Because honestly I've been feeling so alone and horny-I didn't want to use this word in my blog but what the hell, I am one honest person here. Yes I sometimes, imagine making out with him. It's normal I guess. But the problem is, I don't see us working out. I am basically a mute person around boys, despite that I tried talking to him and I found that we don't much make sense. He doesn't make me laugh harder, or I don't enlighten him much. Our conversations usually don't have the spark. I mean I feel like that. I bet he does it too. But...Oh there goes my self-esteem, despite that I tried having a conversation, tried to make him feel like I listen to him, I care what he has to say. Pathetic. I know. So basically, we are that much bored of our single life.

Then there is another thing. I've been questioning all my life choices lately. Staying home is the ultimate trouble. You let your mind take over you. I hate alone time now. My mind has noises. It doesn't calm.

Speaking of lower self-esteem, I've been also thinking- will I ever find someone who I deserve truly?

I just don't understand other humans, to tell you the truth. They are so complex. I wish I could find someone who could understand me, whom I could understand mutually. It's just. I know this post seems hormonal and all but trust me I didn't know myself to be this cheap. I haven't stood up to my values that my father and mother taught. Tell you the truth- I have always disrespected those values. I always wished to flee from all the restrictions they placed before me. But I also feel this guilt that- I've rushed into things. I haven't set my priorities straight.

I still have time to fix this. I am damn sure, this guy doesn't feel so strongly about me. So all I have to do is let go. Let past be a past. I don't need his attention. I don't need him to prove my worth.

Operation Self-Esteem.






















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