I wish I could say I am not sad anymore, life is doing me okay.
I have bunch of friends now to make laugh a little harder, I have been in a friend's house for a mass hangout(WHich I don't normally do, my college life was pretty blunt), they adore me and I wish I could say that- They make my days brighter. But the fact is- I am still holding myself down. After each hangout I feel my insecurities building inside me again, giving me thoughts I don't need- like everybody is cooler than you- you don't fit in and stuffs. That is the reason why I don't like big groups. There's so much people. I get anxious.
Then again- they are all so nice and say positive things like- You're cute... You're beautiful...Nice and sweet I have to say I am never tired of hearing these things. It's a damn good feeling when appreciated like that. I really like these people- not all of them tho. Some of them I find real and I just can't be thankful enough that I came across them. I don't know if they feel the same about me-but I do. And I really like them to never change. Although people change. Constantly. And I am so afraid that- as the days will pass- I will see less of them. I wish these people stay in my life much longer. But no, that's not how the world works.
Being in this group, I realized something- people who dominate- has the ability to express themselves as the highest- You cannot keep quiet and expect the world to place you in the spotlight. You just have to love yourself enough so that other people can love you. People will estimate you at your highest self- if you keep holding yourself down- you'll never be able to keep up with the world. The new world is all about Narcissism. In other words- Self love. Love yourself enough so you can express your potentials. The more you express- the more stronger you look. The more you hide-the weaker people will presume you.
And I have been hiding a lot since I was a child. Been crying and soaking pillow at night. Been sad about simple and stupid things in life that did not matter. It has been a process of years- the way I am now. Quiet. Shy. Afraid to say things up-straight. Not smart enough. Too much concerned about how people would criticize. Everything just gets me you know. Every single no matter how stupid and silly things are- gets me- eats my brain. And I'd like to change that- but don't know how. I am a 20 year old girl without having the ability to think like an adult. Or at least behave like one.
See? I can go on and on about how I lack maturity but you know what? It's about time. I don't wanna beat myself up anymore.
Okay. Today.
I forgive myself for every flaw. Every mistake. Every embarrassment. And every little insecurity I've been hiding inside. It is fine to have insecurities. Every body has some in them. Let's forgive it.
I have bunch of friends now to make laugh a little harder, I have been in a friend's house for a mass hangout(WHich I don't normally do, my college life was pretty blunt), they adore me and I wish I could say that- They make my days brighter. But the fact is- I am still holding myself down. After each hangout I feel my insecurities building inside me again, giving me thoughts I don't need- like everybody is cooler than you- you don't fit in and stuffs. That is the reason why I don't like big groups. There's so much people. I get anxious.
Then again- they are all so nice and say positive things like- You're cute... You're beautiful...Nice and sweet I have to say I am never tired of hearing these things. It's a damn good feeling when appreciated like that. I really like these people- not all of them tho. Some of them I find real and I just can't be thankful enough that I came across them. I don't know if they feel the same about me-but I do. And I really like them to never change. Although people change. Constantly. And I am so afraid that- as the days will pass- I will see less of them. I wish these people stay in my life much longer. But no, that's not how the world works.
Being in this group, I realized something- people who dominate- has the ability to express themselves as the highest- You cannot keep quiet and expect the world to place you in the spotlight. You just have to love yourself enough so that other people can love you. People will estimate you at your highest self- if you keep holding yourself down- you'll never be able to keep up with the world. The new world is all about Narcissism. In other words- Self love. Love yourself enough so you can express your potentials. The more you express- the more stronger you look. The more you hide-the weaker people will presume you.
And I have been hiding a lot since I was a child. Been crying and soaking pillow at night. Been sad about simple and stupid things in life that did not matter. It has been a process of years- the way I am now. Quiet. Shy. Afraid to say things up-straight. Not smart enough. Too much concerned about how people would criticize. Everything just gets me you know. Every single no matter how stupid and silly things are- gets me- eats my brain. And I'd like to change that- but don't know how. I am a 20 year old girl without having the ability to think like an adult. Or at least behave like one.
See? I can go on and on about how I lack maturity but you know what? It's about time. I don't wanna beat myself up anymore.
Okay. Today.
I forgive myself for every flaw. Every mistake. Every embarrassment. And every little insecurity I've been hiding inside. It is fine to have insecurities. Every body has some in them. Let's forgive it.
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