Everly

Rich slobs are so interesting like you have no fucking idea. I started watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians because I am quite bored of this vacation and never imagined this show will get me hooked like this. It is the instagram effect, I got so many feeds of their snippets and kind of unknowingly decided to give this show a go. So glad I did. They're pretty funny. Winter is getting on my nerves. My skin looks awful. My hair is in a stupid  shape. I am torn between getting a bob and growing out. I just don't know what to do. When I look at my old short hair pictures, I feel like keeping it long because my curls wouldn't show up then. Now my curls are more defined but the problem is, my hair is breaking at the ends. Almost looks like a mop. I do want healthy locks. But UGH. It's a dilemma! My parents are sick of my routine. They have to wake me up to eat, literally smack me twice a day for lunch and breakfast. I know they have best interest at heart, but is ...

I secretly check on him sometimes. He is in my stalking list. I clear my search history as if somebody's gonna find out. And figure out how desperate I am. I don't want that to happen, ever. It is already painful knowing, I still have feelings for him. Well, not "feelings" per se. It is rather just a fascination. Have you ever been fascinated by someone? Like really really fascinated of what their preferences are, how they live their lives? Yeah. I am sort of in that situation here. I should be doing my searches on people who would actually like to be with me. Not the people I have crush on...There was this guy, I chatted with months ago, he wanted to start something but I barely replied his texts. We are just friends on facebook now and instagram of course. Today, he posted a photo. He was on a date with a girl. I wish I felt a little bit jealous. But I didn't. I felt happy that he finally found someone who would go out with him. Because I was worried all this...

My first morning being awake. Well I didn't sleep last night so I have been awake for a long while today. Taking refuge in bed. I have 8 hours of Breaking Bad left. Then I will be done with the series. Last time I remember getting so attached with a show like this was Dexter. I couldn't separate my emotions from the characters in the story. Well, this time I am more wooed than emotional. Umm, then again Jesse Pinkman. He is the only character giving me all the feels throughout the insanity that is and has been going on in the show. This series is mentally stimulating. I know very little about chemistry, but I truly enjoyed myself while watching this. Guess this was a worthwhile decision to invest my time on this. 2018 wasn't full of foul decisions.  I am holding on. And trying to forgive myself for everything that's happened past few months. I am not harming myself anymore. The scars in my wrists are almost faded. I haven't touched a blade since I don't r...

Let me sugarcoat things for you. My eyes cry enough. My heart gets tired but my eyes don't. I resent my parents now and then. I try to shout as loud as possible, as a last hope of them to understand what I've been feeling inside. But only in void. Because they don't know how badly I don't wanna live. How pointless everything is to me now. I am on my semester break now. My father wakes me up every morning for breakfast. He has bitten me on days, I didn't want to wake up. I swallow whatever's on my plate and go back to sleep. My bed. Smells like depression. My bed is like a hug in the daylight, when I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to remember who I am, what am I doing with my life. I sleep till my father wakes me up again. For lunch. I eat fast as I can and immediately go back to sleep. This is my life now. I am barely awake. Times I am awake, I watch something. And cry myself to sleep. There's nothing going on beyond that. Just nothing. ...

I wish I was dead sometimes. Like to appreciate life again. It is the absence of light that makes light significant. But I wish science worked that way, I wish it was possible to disappear and reappear 

Do you often wonder where's that spirit of you has gone? 22 years of life yet I feel like I haven't lived.  Billions of things, I never laid my eyes upon. How stupidly short the time feels.  When an author dies in an accident, she lives with her story.  She once wrote- Everything is so beautiful and short. Has she been thinking, she'd die so fast. At the age of 23...Marina was her name. I read her short stories, I only got to know her by the news of her death. Beautifully written short stories. I don't remember everything I read, I just remember how I felt reading them. It was beautiful and poetic.

The idea of him I always liked. I am in delusion again, I know it. I know the end is gonna be bad. It is making me restless again, I had that feeling before. It is almost as if. As if, all I can think about, is him. Not cool I know. I am so disappointed in myself...As if I had not suffered enough...Why am I making this choice again? What is the point anyway. My academics aren't improving, I almost want to cut myself again. But I am not alone in my room right now. I have to act sane. But how can I explain. I am not so sane anymore. There's everything wrong with me, upside down and nobody gets it. How loud I want to cry. Nobody gets it....I am done with life. I want no more. No more.

Sleeping pills are the easiest most solution to die.  I have been thinking about it, quite sometime. I thought about it the night before yesterday, ammu was sleeping beside me, I could hear her breathe. She is my mother, yet she felt so foreign. Almost like, most part of my life, she doesn't even know. I don't blame her for that, I have locked myself in.  I silently sobbed. When I feel this way, I say sorry to my parents, to everybody I encountered in life, in whisper of a prayer. The thought almost fades, then comes back in the morning on the way to class. I think about ways to disappear forever. I used to feel happy to be alive, to be breathing. These days, I feel drowned. And I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mother's side of cousin, is staying with us for couple of days. I am not alone in my room tonight. But my thoughts are with me too. When I started this blog, I never imagined, I would be someday writing about my darkest thoughts.  I...

I don't believe in happiness anymore. It is just a random feeling like any other feeling. It is like hunger, it is thirst, it is like love, it is like sad, it is a mood. Sometimes I feel so happy I almost feel like throwing up. I don't think my stomach supports me being happy. I know it sounds all flaky but I really am serious. I cry when I feel like my emotions overpower me. You know what. It is too complicated to explain.  Just going to let you know, I am doing okay. I have started to feel the presence of my heart in everyday situations, like I said. When I feel too happy, I almost throw up. That's when I know, I am happy and content...Or this could be a stomach flu, I think I need to consult with a doctor. It is the weekends that get me closer to my thoughts. My thoughts are self destructive. Dangerous perhaps. It occurs when I am in an empty room. When I am done watching a trendy show or when I just have nothing left to do. Or have no motivation to do anythin...

Dear God If you exist You have seen me at my worst You have seen my desperation You have listened my frustrations. All this time I have cried to you relentlessly hoping for things to improve . The night occurres and it scares me to death. All these little fears wind up and conspire against me I do nothing but cry like a 5 year old me used to. If you exist you know how I have been. What shaped me, what brought me here. I don't know if I can go anymore. I don't know if I can walk the path you have decided for me. I don't know if it is possible, making a shortcut. To an ambiguity . If you are up there, why is this torture. Why is this normal average life that has no meaning, no significance to my being? Why do I have to live it? I don't know how you think, rationally or more emotionally or you even need to think at all. You are the only person I have been complete candid with. There is no other existence in this world I have opened up to this much. Am I alwa...

Focus. FOCUS. Ugh. Just forget it. My four seconds of trying. I always get stuck about forbidden thoughts. Life is just birth from death. We define ourselves as success and failures. There is no in between. We turn into ashes. There's no sparkle in great human's ashes. They're all the same. It is what we feel. What we touch. What we see. A meaning, dear. I am seeking for a meaning of all this. All this rush. Am I ever going to be happy with my life? Is this all I am ever gonna have? Maybe I wasn't made for this life. I was just created to be destroyed. Maybe this is it. This is just it. Am I ever gonna be great? Am I ever gonna make things great? Am I ever gonna matter? I am so plain. So dull. I am so easy to forget. Why do I feel always out of place? Does this feeling have an end? Or do I have to end it myself?

I have only one and almost half year to sober up. Get my shit together. Be corporate ready. And at this point, my cgpa is not so strong, my mind is all scattered and taken up hundreds and thousands of space with useless information like, what color dress should I wear to class tomorrow?  My mind is like that chair we all have in our room, for piling up used, unwashed or sometimes washed clothes your mom tells you to fold up and put them in closet. The chair that stays piled up all week, maybe a month even. Rest of the room looks tidy, but that chair, oh god the chair. It hardly gets to pull its shit together. The thing that depresses me more, is. It is only going to get harder. There is no break button, the time is ticking, soon I will have to make out something of me. The stakes are high, I am not sure if I can be what I am aspiring to be. 22 is confusing and scary. I don't know what I am doing.

Letting go someone that has been into your mind and soul for a long time is no easy deal. This desperateness of being with that person is greater than any other rationals. It is so unhealthy, to always look up to him, for validation. For sense of security and affection. Yet you feel like, you cannot help it, you feel like you don't have the control of your emotions. The integral part of human emotions I think, is the weather. It has such an influence over me. I don't know the scientific facts behind it, but surely it is doing something to me. There is this ironic, vague feeling inside of my heart. I am so happy, yet unknowingly depressed. I don't know how to make you understand. Yesterday, we smoked. The weather asked for it. I felt so light headed, I felt like everything is possible now. Days before that, I was talking with this person, I secretly loved. Days before that, I tried to cut my skin and cried in desperation for a human. Days before that, I talked with a st...

This is why I need you I feel like people are so sensitive about the person they love. It is like a feeling of superiority. Like the person you love will represent you, the person you love will show other people what sort of person you are. Trust me, most of the people who are in love or in process of love, "What will other people think of us" crosses their minds like hundred times. They make it seem so important, more important than the person they're with. Real life examples. My best friend about the guy she likes. She asked me more than once, "Does it look bad, if I go out with him? ....I mean, he is not that good looking, but he is the most reliable and nicest man I know here."  I didn't know what to say to that.  My cousin, almost every time, validates to me the person she is dating. Her conversation mostly follows with, how committed he is to her, how he is so understandable....I wanted to know, if she is telling these information to me j...

The weather is super gross. I loathe my new class routine. I don't come back home till it's dusk and it is pretty much exhausting. Been only 4 days and I already have a feeling this semester is gonna suck the life out of me. But one thing for sure. I have got inspiring teachers for my two major course. My marketing teacher said she was an introvert for years, but this subject changed her rapidly. I am so inspired by her. How she creates this amazing energy in the class. I feel like I can become anything. My finance course teacher is a sweetheart. He is so calm in the class and speaks in a very soft tone and I can't help but just be giddy in his class. I think I am gonna have a long lasting crush on him. Hope it doesn't mess up my grade. So Fall 2018 begins. I am thrilled. Every semester is a new beginning.  Time to transform and forgive and forget.  Music Guy is so dramatic these days like I can't even. I remember I used to play all giddy around him...

I have felt so needless lately, and so helpless and clueless and all sorts of frustrations. I want to help my father, everything is on his shoulders. Till this day, he never showed how pressurized he is until I found it out this semester, my father is struggling to collect for the fees. He tells me he will manage. But I know. I know he is stressed and I have nothing I can help him with. I feel like a useless piece of shit. I went on a pre planned buffet lunch with my friends yesterday and every second I felt unworthy and I was thinking to myself, why did I choose this, I should be at home, I don't deserve an expensive lunch. I don't deserve to have anything in my life. I didn't know he was having a bit of a crisis until I told him my class is gonna start next week and the payment deadline is within that time. And he was like in shock, and I was broken inside, my heart leaped for a second, I am not a teenie bit worried about the money, I am worried about my father handl...

I read somewhere something like if you send an energy to the universe, it finds its way back to you...It was based on the theory of power of attraction. I didn't believe in it though. But it happened to me many a times now, the people, I secretly liked, say coincidentally or happened to sit beside me in the movie theater, or say stand closer to me, umm just like I was an opposite polarity of a magnet and I was attracting them toward me. I don't know if these mysterious events that took place were the universe's meddling but let's just say I was always given chances that I didn't take when it was brought to me. So basically, I had a breakdown the night before my final last exam, I had B plused all my courses this semester and so I was disappointed in me, and I lost motivation to study for the course and I was like what's the point of it all and I was diving into depression and I ended up sobbing and complaining and brooding over everything.  Side note, T...

Dear I, I know it has been the worst kinda day, maybe you didn't deserve it all. Maybe you did. Either way, let this one go. You will get chances in life, to do better. To serve better. I promise you things can get much worse. But you will have a stronger drive to fight for it, and maybe you will mold into a person much much stronger than you are right now. So don't beat yourself up. The grades don't define how faithful a person you are, how lovable and kind you are. Let this one go and focus on the next. And I know how unbearable the loneliness is. I know how much you crave love and a sense of belonging to someone. You're only human. Being desperate for love and attention do not make you lesser in character. It just states your vulnerability and the fact that you're not empty inside. It is okay, completely, to fall for a person for the wrong reasons in the wrong time. And it is okay, he doesn't love you back and think about you as much. It is okay that he ...

I have been so lazy this semester, like literal no effort kinda lazy. Could have aced them all but now I am hoping for B plus.

"I want what she has": I sometimes wonder, since when I started to take that as my mission statement. Success stories and love stories are my secret enemies, they snatch away even the littlest bit of happiness I have left in me. I want to be happy for her, but I know some part of me is insecure and jealous and full of ugly feelings. Everybody has different journeys and self growth. But when she makes it look so easy, I wonder why can't I? Why can't I be focused and successful woman? Why can't I get the man of my dreams? Why can't I be everyone's favorite? I know how childish I sound. I know how stupid it is to want something that sort. My post depression is purely based on "Look at all the other women. They're so put together. Why am I such a mess." I always thought there was a lacking in me that cannot be fixed. I always thought if I was being loved the right way the right time, I would turn out to be a complete person. A person with...

“why is it  that when the story ends  we begin to feel all of it” ―  Rupi Kaur ,  The Sun and Her Flowers

I am like bouncing in a trampoline of emotions. Sometimes high sometimes low. He is good on paper. But I am not sure how much in reality we could be compatible. I hope he is not full of himself. I hope what he says, are truth not lies to feed me and make me addicted toward him. The ideal situation now for me is to have control in myself, not get carried away, not push myself hard on this, whatever attachment I have with him....Because he is some pixels on the phone screen right now. I have thought it through. And you know what I like most about a guy, what attracts me most? The effort he makes....This guy in my phone, I feel like he has it easy. He knows I have never been on relationships or any kind of things and he thinks you know what ? I can easily get this girl impressed. But little does he know, I over analyze every behavior, every little words and I am looking out. I have to protect myself from getting hurt at the end of this though heartbreaks are unavoidable. I deserv...

It feels unbelievably liberating that you can be a complete new person to a person you haven't met yet. I know there's still things that make you, you. But still all the personality traits that you were given i.e. SHY, can't make eye contact, INTROVERT. can actually be just myths.If you are able to believe you are charming as hell in the occasions you can flourish yourself... I know this sounds almost crazy. And weird. And difficult to understand. But I kind of like this guy. We just chat. That's all we do. But I feel butterflies again. Almost feels like a dream. Words always meant something to me. And this guy has a way around words. We haven't heard each other's voice yet but I kind of already like the idea of him...He made me dream again...He made me feel things I missed feeling. And though there's no future in this right now. I just don't want to think about future right now. I don't want to think about the husband my mom is gonna pick in abou...

Road safety is a basic amenity. As a citizen of Bangladesh, and as a human, demanding such safety should not be an issue to be handled with brutality and blood shred. I have grown up here in Dhaka and by far I can remember, all the protests led by people of this country were handled with violation of human rights. The polices always interfered into these matters with rubber bullets or even actual ones. Maybe they think this is the right way to calm the chaos but it only adds up to the situation. External parties want to suppress or delay the justice by taking lives of the protesters. There are horrifying images of students being slaughtered/injured in the most sensitive body parts you can imagine that getting viral and all this because they wanted their basic amenity met by the leader that this country people elected/ by unfair means got elected. How does this sound fair? How does this even make any sense? How do the leaders stand and play wicked games just to sustain their power of p...

SO I found this guy don't ask me how, it is embarrassing, and we have been chatting on whatsapp for weeks and we had like 3 am conversations, confessions and flirting and I have a feeling I am leading him on a bit. It was spontaneous when it happened. I started planning in my head where we would meet and stuff though we haven't even discussed about dating or we haven't even talked on phone. I know that it is completely out of impulse whatever I said and whatever he said but I have been single my whole life and I feel like I owe it to myself to pursue it. I know I am making this decision out of context. And this guy has been through a rough patch and if I take this chance on him it is gonna affect him more it is gonna affect me. But what am I supposed to do. I like him a bit. He is attractive. It has been high time I felt like that. I don't wanna miss this feeling again. I don't know what to do. I am a bit confused.

Why do I search you in every men? Why is it that, I find no passion, no laughter that sweet anymore. I feel like you're depressed it's showing on your face You used to have a smile you don't have it anymore. I don't know for how long I will have to try hard to love another being Don't know if I can love anyone after you How long do I have to force myself into seeking connection. Because there's none. I always felt like we had a connection of some sort. I don't know what sort but there was. I miss that. It is so unfair that you have to be the one my mind can't stop reminiscing over.

So I didn't suck that bad on my Accounting mid. I thought I was gonna fail but today I finally checked my scripts. I attended the exam with fever and I wasn't prepared much but thank goodness I still have marks on my hands to secure A or A minus. Why am I turning into this nerd////

I just got called for a job interview, this is a first. I didn't think anything when I sent my cv, it is for sales position. A very elementary and not so respected job. But I wanted to do it. I wanted to gain some experience on the marketing field. But my father didn't approve of it. And I am not that much inspired now. The interview is tomorrow and I don't think I am going. I got diagnosed with a probable disease that triggers infertility and other factors like diabetes. Now my depression has a reason. It can happen to anyone. There's always risks associated with every food you intake and the lifestyle you have whether it is healthier, you cannot stop your body clock, it expires every day, every week, every month and every year. The fact that I have something that triggers my reproduction system is so scary because when I imagine my future, the baby is always a constant. I have in my life, been obsessed with children, the way they talk, play, I adore the miraculou...

I need to do some de-stressing  because my body reacted on me today. I fainted in the university and it was such an embarrassing experience tbh. Today morning, I had so little sleep and I had quiz and I didn't study the night before, I was gossiping with my cousins, and I didn't have sleep the night before that...I don't know for what, I cried all night that night, I was functionally depressed and because of my hormone pills I have been having a lot of mood swings and did a lot of crying lately. I don't know maybe I was dehydrated today but I felt like my body was leaving me and I couldn't do anything about it. This is the first time I have ever felt like that...I was throwing up after. It was a disaster. But my friends took care of me and thank god I have them in my life. So you know what. I won't try to overdo myself this semester, whatever happens happens. My finals are in two weeks and I had a quiz today, I have one presentation and a quiz tomorrow as...

I have said  my fair share of things I hate about my country in the past and it never made me feel bad. But when my America living cousins said how much they hate this country I don't know for what I felt so bad that they feel that way and I also mentally labeled them as privileged kids which they literally are and I felt this unprecedented love for the place I live in, whether it is full garbage, whether it is unbelievably hot in summer and whether there are creepy men in the streets visualizing me naked when I walk past them.  "How do people live in here!" Wasn't a question my cousin asked, it was a genuine expression of frustration and concern...Because we had a village trip and we didn't have any wifi and the weather was terrible and their tummies were sick and the 13 year old had dust allergies...Okay. Being sick is no joke, I know when you feel your body is sick, nothing seems enjoyable and everything sucks...But every time they visit us, they're ...

My accounting mid was unbelievably terrible. I cried so much before the exam and my dad accidentally made me eat a tranquilizer pill that was my mom's. I was high on fever and sleepy and I couldn't outdo myself. The night before exam it was all too emotional for me. Because I felt like I failed myself big time. But you know what, I still got finals and I still can control the damage I created. There is no need to be so hard on myself...I have been through it and it was a bad timing as well with my health and all so right now, I should accept it and move on...That's what I am doing. My cousins are in town. I met them yesterday after almost 9 years...They live in New Jersey, My aunt hugged me so many times I almost teared up.... I miss them I do. They're really nice people.

I have fever and two mids in one day and I am so scared because I cannot screw up this semester, whatever happens.  I am just having a meltdown right now, because I see my father working hard for us, getting old and wrinkly and I am not even doing the single thing I am supposed to do. All I had to do was study this eid vacation, I passed it sleeping and oversleeping.I am so frustrated at myself right now. I don't know how to start. 

What do you want me to write about? I am on my eid vacation and nothing's quite happening with my life right now. I can talk about my cousin's first date. We are of same age and she is starting to fall in love. I bet it's wonderful. The way she was talking about him whole night, made me believe in things. She is a very good student by the way, always busy with studies and extra curricular, I always doubted she would make time for somebody. But nothing's impossible I guess. I am content being single but sometimes it gets less interesting. And sometimes I feel it won't be horrible if I have someone by my side, making me laugh, talking about songs and movies or just you know. Be there with me. I really think, love can change you. I have observed that with my close friends and now family. Or I am just craving for a pet....I really think that my life would dramatically improve if I get a pug. But my parents are horrible. They don't allow any livi...

E I D M U B A R A K  

I miss my niece so much. I can't measure it....I remember her  every day. Every single day since she left for Ontario. 

I might be picking up my old pattern again...On the edge of a mental breakdown. I am missing Music Guy again. I don't see him around much, like two days a week maybe, even when I do, we avoid eye contact, and sometimes talk like in an indirect manner. I thought I was over the obsession but actually it is my desperateness of wanting to feel loved. When I am around my friends, I feel like I am missing out on something....It is not Music Guy who I want to be with...It is just, he is the only potential person I once loved and wanted to be with, so I am simply getting haunted by the past. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqkm0MnHAv4 Another spectacular news my mother gave me this morning...The guy(MY mom's friend's son)I was supposed to meet, is getting married this month....We just got invited. Can you believe this? I know I was against the idea after the instagram incident but it feels like a kick in my stomach... I don't know why people think it is okay to assume th...

Chick flick movies have an effect on me...I just finished watching When Harry Met Sally, it's a classic movie of the nineties and I loved it to the core. I wrote an article to The Daily Star last week, haven't had read the paper lately, I've grown lazy again. Therefore I haven't checked if they published it. I think they didn't. My dad writes to the editor now and then and gets published just three days time, I am kind of jealous.

I think every girl dreams a wedding, growing up. I have a wedding planned in the back of my head, I mentally list down things I find eligible for my future wedding and I have been saying wedding a lot. It is because of the Royals who just got married past Saturday and I can't stop obsessing over the videos, the memes, the picture perfect couple. Though there's no such chance of me getting wed, At least not for a year and half, but I really do am fancying a wedding! That guy my mom's told me about, who's mother is my mother's friend, (who I stalked on social media for couple of days) and who might have a chance of meeting me in person in future. That's what my mom tells me. But never have I thought, in actual terms, that he would find his way back to me! When I, out of sheer curiosity sent him a follow request on instagram with showing my first name only, I wasn't sure if he knew me, or if he has by any chance, stalked my profile. I was happy when he ac...

The first day of Ramadan. It was alright. I performed the obligatory prayers, I read the Quran...As I said, this holy month I am going to try reconnecting with my religion, as in the past I have been neglecting the basic rules. Gotta say, I feel good. Refreshed. So I just finished watching the cheesiest Hollywood movie, I guess I am not the target audience for that film, because it seemed extremely childish and romantic and I don't know why but I kept watching it til the end. I feel kind of old for this. I am old and boring. I don't enjoy romantic gestures, I don't enjoy silly emotions, I crave stability but back in my teen days, I used to swoon over these sort of films...HAHA. Such a silly girl. Is time moving fast or me?

Gaza Massacre got me shook...Why is it that,our religion is said to be the religion of peace yet the people, the countries, the nation following the religion hardly have unity among them and rejoice in blood bath? Ramadan is starting and I guess I am a bit afraid that I would mess up my sleep cycle again. It took me a lot of will power to avoid afternoon naps and sleep at nights instead of days, I hope I don't mess it up again. Bit tired from class. Tomorrow's weekend. I am happy.

Apparently the things that caught my eyes recently, were Trump's withdrawal of Iran nuclear deal situation, Iran-Israel trade war, Bangladesh's export-import deficit, Bangladesh trying to move toward a cashless society-encouraging master/visa cards on day to day transactions, Scientist David Goodall's euthanasia in Switzerland.... Yes I read the newspaper. In fact I have been forcing myself on this habit since last week, It has been difficult on me I gotta say, since I am not much of a "Skimming" reader of articles. When I read something, I have to go to the core of it, hence go through all of it, to understand the context...So reading a newspaper, takes me about one and half hour everyday...In this era of internet, no wonder why it is so difficult to actually read a whole piece. However I totally skip the sports section....I sincerely don't give a damn about sports unless it's world cup cricket or FIFA on TV, that I watch not read. I am just not ...

My grandmother is admitted to the hospital in USA. She's got high fever and cysts in her pancreas, which everyone is hoping not cancer, because if it turns out cancer she wouldn't have much of time. My aunts and uncle are highly educated people, less emotional than my mother of course, more intelligent and know how to deal with critical situations like this. One of them is a doctor in UK. My uncle works in google. I come from a bloodline of overachievers from my mother's side. The point is she is in good hands. I have always kept my distance from Nanu, due to my intimacy issues with old people. It started with Dadu actually. I have been not much of a poised, lady like grand-daughter to be likable. And the fact that, I had to share a room with Nanu when she used to stay at our house, made me turn cold towards her and I think I made it pretty clear when I argued with my parents about not having a room of my own loudly, for her to listen at night.That is the thing, I ...

New Semester! I had Accounting and Marketing today, and I was never so focused in class! This semester break had me transformed into a sincere student, yeah. I didn't go on that date with Demon, we never discussed it ever again. He sent me snaps for a day or two but I got scared and stopped hitting him with texts. I guess I am not ready, for a Date. I don't know if I'll ever be...I am so bad at conversations with guys...Literally...And the unknown scares me....I don't want to deal with a phase of awkwardness to have something going on in the name of an affair...I guess I am not ready for love yet. Not my cup of tea. I think what is most attractive about a guy to me is the effort he makes. That shows he cares. And if he wants me, he takes action. I have met a fair amount of guys who were attracted by me but didn't do a single wretched thing about it. Actions speak more than words do. I don't know about other girls but this is me, and this is when I f...

To be able to sit back and let the universe do its job is no easy work. When you say, believe the timing of your life and fate, do you actually expect me to do nothing? Doing nothing is so much harder than doing something. Trust me when I say this. Being home has its perks but being home in vain is what makes me crestfallen. I wish to speed the time up so I could go classes again, meet my friends, laugh at silly things. What I realized staying home a month without having to do anything is...I am the most pampered adult in the family. And it doesn't make me get out of the comfort zone. I am not doing anything substantial in my life that could bring me fortune in the future. When I am in the university, my thoughts stop processing because I engage in conversations and forget that I have to become something. When  I am home I get all the anxieties, sometimes movies help to distract me a bit but most often I find myself distracted from the movie itself. I find myself, brooding...

I don't like being alone with my thoughts. Because I am prone to being depressed over things I don't have in my life. Seriously, When will be my turn to live freely? I will be free when I won't have to check for price tags and travel overseas and write about it.

my new fav show to binge is Everybody Loves Raymond. I have watched it couple of times on Tv when I was a kid, this time I am enjoying more, maybe because of the stormy weather, cozy bed, my laptop and I don't feel anxious laying up lazy anymore... This show reminds me how simple and meaningful 90s lives were and I like how family friendly it is...SO far, I have one complain though, the women on the show are always taking care of kids and cooking and cleaning all the time, it is kind of degrading/stereotyping but then again they seem to be more intelligent than men are in the show, so kind of balances it out...I never liked a sitcom this much after F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Good for me!

Last year, I couldn't bring myself to be optimistic about anything. I thought this is it. I am going to be miserable like this as long as I live. I sobbed every night, didn't feel safe in my own house, I worried myself, lost a pile of hair, got bald in one spot of my scalp. I worried that my brother would never be okay again, he would always have this impractical thoughts and the problems would go on and on forever. Here's the thing, I still got problems in my life but I am not miserable, I am depressed though, I sleep overly obsessively and since I am on my semester break, I seriously don't find any motive to wake up in the mornings....But one thing is different. I feel like I am gonna be okay. I have this optimism in me now, that whatever happens, I will be able to tackle it. I have it in me. No matter how belittle my parents make me feel at times, I know I am not a wasted space, I can do what I will to, the universe will help me be what I want to... Being a daug...

Apparently I am in short of 2 marks to get my grade changed to A. Sir has not replied my mail, nor has he uploaded gpa on the website. So I am kind of in an anxious situation, I check my grades every now and then, I need that A for validation, he has been a difficult faculty. Other than that, my life is going quite well. I am pumped up to meet Demon, YES, we've decided a place for a meet up, right by my house, there's this bookstore and I suggested it because my mom is not going to let me borrow car, even she does she would ask me thousand questions on my whereabouts. He insisted we meet so I honestly told him about my situation with my protective parents and told him about the bookstore, He is not psyched about the place but eventually agreed.... I am so scared. I never ever been on a date before. And I don't know him that well. It is going to be awkward....I don't feel much going on for him, I feel like if I knew him more, it would've been less scary...Bu...

So what I have to search on google how should I reply him with a flirty twist, So what? Can you blame me? How do people do it? I want to appear as effortless as possible but to be effortless you've to put so much effort, like oh my god. I don't know for how long, I'd be able to pull this, but every time when I think, he is going to lose interest, he doesn't. In fact, he asked me to try a restaurant with him last week and I had to act cool so I replied in the most casual way, if I can I will but wouldn't our meet up be so much awkward? I am so shy and I am so amateur at this dating game and thank god he didn't ask me further on that subject again. The problem is texting. And texting on Snapchat is a whole another level challenge. You never know, if he is online, You never know if he's actually busy or showing off to be busy. And the texts, they disappear after you read it. So basically I don't get to reread our messages, I mostly forget what we cha...

Talk about too much stalking. I don't have enough evidence to back up my assumption, but I think Damon's got a brother, who at 18 years old committed suicide. I even searched on Dhaka Tribune articles, I know the guy's name from his facebook cover picture, he's got the same tittle name but there was no mention of him being his brother. All I know, Damon's got a younger sister, when I asked him on text, how many siblings you have( on a complete randomness, weeks ago when I didn't know any of his past) He completely ignored it first and then replied me after a long period. Now I know why he hesitated. He has a traumatizing past, or he might have. I still don't know if that guy was his biological brother. I don't know why I got so invested in knowing the whole story, since I cannot directly ask him, I browsed through the net and I watched some tributes on youtube. The guy was an excellent student and on the pictures, he looked so perfectly fine, I wish ...

I am SO HAPPY today. I got A on finance! My mission is half accomplished. I have one other course to take care of. Besides today's final wasn't that good so I am opting a B minus on this one. Economics is out of the picture. I'll start studying for Management from tomorrow. This is the first time ever, I felt like I was in charge and the feeling is sensational. My plans don't normally work out, This is too good to be true. :)

SO this year's birthday was low key. But I don't have any complaints. I kinda like being in my pajamas, eating leftover chocolate cake while watching tv series. I am so blessed that I am alive at this point and have my family and friends all with me. In the present this is what I cherish. On a complete different note. Do you know, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan separated? I mean talk about soul mates. This is actually very sad because I used to ship this celeb couple so much that I named my blog after their baby girl. This must be hard on Everly. Seeing parents separate must be traumatizing. Umm, so the Demon guy is on my snapchat now. Texting is difficult. You never know what the other person is interpreting and actually saying. So far, I think he is not so serious, or could be but he barely asks me any personal questions. I've got to know he was a drop out in his junior year. And started his own business but I don't know if he is successful in what he's doing...

I've been watching Modest Street channel on youtube. It's of a woman who does hijab styling and makeup. She is a revert to Islam and I had watched her revert story and it kind of got into me how I lavishly spent my time doing nothing and this lady, searched for the truth and right direction and I don't know but something about her face, her way of perceiving things motivated me. I want what she has. She looks so peaceful in what she's preaching. It is not like she hasn't got problems in her life. I mean she has five kids to take care and from her social media, I am assuming she's separated with her husband but she doesn't go whining about her personal life instead she puts on an inspiring face toward life and that is something. I feel like I have gotten very personal because I've been religiously watching her daily snapchat stories and she is super active in it, she batters a lot. She also speaks in sylhoti accent ( She is half gujrati and half kenyan...

After a lump sum amount of time spent in self-loathing and being terrified of being single at the age of 22(Turning in about 3 days) I opened Tinder again, and to my own surprise I found two matches! How this self-loathing, insecure creature become a chanova online, how and like really how? I ended up chatting with both the guys. So Let's nickname them something shall we? Guy number A whom I totally swiped like at first seeing the picture, he was kind of handsome. But I didn't read his bio. I must have swiped it too fast. Let's call him Demon. Guy number B, I swiped it just because I liked his smile. I read his bio, he studies in a private university, doing his internship, just a year older than me.Let's call him Stefan. Both are pretty close by as it showed, like 3/ a mile away from me. Demon knocked me first and he was being sarcastic all over, and I kind of liked him. Until I checked his bio- he's married, has kids, looking for some side action. My eyes ...

You could die of a fish bone stuck in your throat, and the last words you hear from your father had to be - Can't you eat more carefully for god's sake? Are you blind?!  I thought I was dying for real, and the fact that I was making my parents disappointed in me even at the last min had killed me hypothetically twice inside before the fish bone ever could. Why can't my parents be happy for once, proud for once that I was born? Why do I always have to be reminded of all my misdoings and failures in life by them? Why can't they understand, people's successes aren't inter-related, they are depended on individual's dedication, hard work, talents and skills and just because some people found the door to success that does not mean, I lack in my own experience and skills? I cannot blame them for being who they are, they are brainwashed by the society. What hurts me most is, they once were my age, They must've known the struggles. The depressions, the ch...

Bits of memory I thought I lost long before, but it peeked into my eyes and made me question, whether I was there, or it all were just a dream. I spent 7 years in a half orphan school, a missionary school that accommodated christian orphans/needy children along side other students. They were always sticking together though but I never looked down on them. I remember watching them picking lice from each other's hair, telling stories of their homes and stuffs. Everybody knew everybody's name in class. We had the same subjects and same teachers. I knew myself, someday, I will get out of this school and go to a more renowned, standard school. I wasn't a good student. I was very unhappy studying there, I wanted to be in a smart environment, where I'd learn things, talk in a way that smart kids did. But today, I look back and think studying there had taught me how to cope up, added diversity and made me an understandable person. And it's not that I was always unhappy...

Have you ever had a feeling that you have to cherish every little thing that is happening now? What we're certain of could demolish into a blunt uncertainty the next min. It makes me wonder what would be my very last thought at the very last moment of being alive in this world? In this dangerously beautiful hardcore world, that is growing and demolishing each day, a soul births, a soul gets away. This constant cycle and its traces. Seriously, what would people remember me by? The US-Bangla plane crash putting 51 through hell and death. According to Islam, there is a life after death-But to be honest in my opinion, didn't it all happened at once? Didn't they go through a tons of pain, suffocation, seeing loved ones die before their own eyes while they're at it themselves. My lack of knowledge in my religion actually forbids me to have an opinion about after life. For me, it has always worked as an element to suppress wrongful desires or doings. I am not a self rig...