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Letting go someone that has been into your mind and soul for a long time is no easy deal. This desperateness of being with that person is greater than any other rationals. It is so unhealthy, to always look up to him, for validation. For sense of security and affection. Yet you feel like, you cannot help it, you feel like you don't have the control of your emotions.

The integral part of human emotions I think, is the weather. It has such an influence over me. I don't know the scientific facts behind it, but surely it is doing something to me. There is this ironic, vague feeling inside of my heart. I am so happy, yet unknowingly depressed. I don't know how to make you understand.

Yesterday, we smoked. The weather asked for it. I felt so light headed, I felt like everything is possible now. Days before that, I was talking with this person, I secretly loved. Days before that, I tried to cut my skin and cried in desperation for a human. Days before that, I talked with a stranger on phone, who wanted to see me. Days before that I was laughing out loud at some jokes my friends told me. And right now, I am so numb that if you throw me out of 19th floor building, I would probably let you.

There is no such impulse to die, but there is no such impulse to live. Do you ever feel like that? Let me know if you do.






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