Everly

Dear B, Wifi is the devil. It keeps me awake. I could have been sleeping now. I picked up a new and normal pattern of sleeping, though not so sure of it being sustainable. It is 1.14 am now, and I will in half an hour force myself to bed because that is the only way I know now keeps me calm, in the morning, at classes. I don't know why I had to get emotionally invested in everything. Who's dating who, or who's judging me and what not. I have started( It has been what? 3 days since? I feel like I've been through a lot lol) Yes I have started to ignore every person that made me feel shittier that day. I spoke to singer guy only when it was necessary, he casts me unfriendly stares and I can 100 percent bet on how he underestimates my abilities and that's like a story I am not in the mood to tell you. You know one thing- When you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone, just absolutely and utterly walk away. I no longer hold any grudges against them/him....

I thought I was happy. I thought I was finally happy with the people I am with now. When Meanie said " Nobody gives shit about you. " I kind of believed it. When I looked at Turtle Dove and she was shaking her head saying no she did care for me, He said she pretends . And damn he is right. I know she pretends to care for me. She feels sorry for me. I guess I've seen it coming. I don't fight back when they say mean things to me. I always keep quiet and take it all in. But when I got home today, I couldn't take it anymore, I cried like a child. Nobody has ever made me feel so small , so alone. Have I told you about the guy who used to call me cute, every time I did something...cute? He doesn't anymore. He introduced us today, the girl he is now dating. She is pretty. Seeing her, I felt...so vague about everything. Last semester, I forced myself for something that wasn't there. How pathetic. Seeing them together, didn't pain me, what pained me ...

I think I haven't shared this information, probably I forgot. Ankan called. The night before Eid-ul-adha. I was shocked really, hearing her voice after so long. Nobody calls on my TNT, so when my dad told me somebody was on the line for me, I was blank and felt foreign holding the receiver. Then She said hello. My long "lost" friend. Should I say that? We are just in separate universities, not keeping in touch. She isn't lost. Neither have I. She had been my best friend. I thought about her, whenever something reminded me of her. Like the phrase-"Shob E Allahr Iccha." Whenever I heard someone saying it, I remembered her mocking, I remembered I had a friend who used to say that a lot. I remembered someone who were always being frank with me, no matter how bitter the truth was. I remembered my sarcastic, intelligent not so good looking friend. She studies in Dhaka University now in Journalism. She was so good at Accounting. Yet she chose this subject. But...

I have quizzes next week back to back and I am just procrastinating and taking naps. Not sure how to start tho. Turtle dove looks serious this semester. She is going to do great I guess. Honestly I am a mess right now. My parents and grandma are upset with me. They say, I am the problematic child in the family. I don't sleep in time, eat in time nor do I study. True tho. I have waken up at 6pm today, skipped one medicine and breakfast for that matter, just was done with my lunch and went back to sleep again. My sister has an infection. If it's type B it could affect the baby. We are really worried about her. I really hope she gets well and it's her first baby, I don't want her life to get miserable. It's just that nothing comes so easy... God has to make things complicated for us, humans. God has to give us emotions so our feelings get hurt. God has to create this life only too short and beautiful to live. I should really start studying. This semester I have...

Dear B. It is 4 in the morning. The reason that I am awake. My accounting homework. And also that I have to write to you. Today, meaning reverse back to let's say 16 hours... One of my friend's birthday was today. She is quite popular among us. So we ordered a fancy cake, collecting money from everyone and we bunked our Eco class. I am so not proud of that. Here at my house my parents were thinking I was in the class, making notes, trying hard and there I was actually blowing balloons and hanging out at the cafe. I felt bad. And I promise I will never do this again. Anyway, so as I had planned before, like on previous post I will completely ignore him, I did. The other day. I didn't look at him. The singer guy. We didn't talk. Like he said maybe one or two words to me. Then again, I somehow managed to accuse him of making my bag all drenched in water. When I asked him about it he was bemused at how much I judge his character to be. He didn't take it well. All...

Mini accomplishments so far? My mom didn't let me sleep today for crazy hours as we had a house party to attend to. So yeah right now I am feeling all dizzy and sleepy. Organized my closet last night, helps when I am bored. AF. Oh and I have a bad cough. My voice cracking. Not sure how I feel about it. I've become sort of addicted to the thought of him. Each day passes, and I crave to see him or stalk his profile. Not a healthy situation. My classes gonna start from the day after tomorrow. I don't know, have become sorta attention seeker lately. He is not giving me any notification on  fb so I feel kinda...ignored. Geez. I am so desperate for his attention. I am loathing myself right now. God. Help. Please free me from this terrible choice of one way love. I am getting sick of this. It is a pain. I wish I could use all this energy onto someone who will take it. Such a waste on him. I have to gain more self-esteem. I have to do all the classy lady shit. The day a...

Hey B. Woke up at 5 pm today...Slept at 6am. That exceeds ten hours of sleep. I've grown custom to this abnormal routine. My attempt to wake up in the mornings has come to a bottomless pit. I just can't. I don't know. Maybe I am not that determined. But this is it. I should stop this thing. My grandma is coming this monday. And with her being in the house, I can't oversleep or stay awake at night. All my privacy will be hampered. All my freedoms would be cut down. Before that I have to get out from this reversed sleep cycle. Or I will struggle to be here at my own house. My habits I have to change before it is too late. I am not proud of who I am. I never was. Big dreams ahead. Not statistically planned but god they're unreal. For me. I am not a hard worker. I have to go abroad in four years time, I have to. After I graduate I have to make sure I am not sitting around. Have to make sure I am not jobless. But look at me, I don't read newspaper I don't ...

Dear B. Done with Eid. Now having coke and chilling. Beverage of course, cocacolla. Woke at 2pm today so I'll let you wonder how the day went. Feeling blue all of a sudden. That boy I've been obsessing over, his profile picture just popped up in my newsfeed. First thing I saw when I logged in. I don't know maybe it's God's cruel way of telling me how much I want someone I can't have. He is a social butterfly, if that's the right word for him. He has so many people lined up for him (just a blind guess), always commenting on his pictures, most people that comment are hopeless females, although not quite sure if they're hopeless, they're just good friends, I AM NOT EVEN THAT! I am no one in his life. Like really. It's kinda sad. It is also kinda sad that his girlfriend never comments. Like in old pictures, she had but on the recent ones I've never seen a comment. That's just I don't know, rude maybe? If he were my boyfriend, I w...

Heya B. So tomorrow's Eid day. Again, no excitements whatsoever. I just watched It's a boy girl thing a while ago, now I am on my face-pack. Writing to you. Correction. Typing to you. So there's this story in my head, I forgot to tell you before but watching this movie kind of drawn back the memory of it. I've heard it from Nabs and I think it's kinda funny and it's actually happened.Okay on to it now...! So last semester, you know I stayed outta home for three months, it's a thing in our uni, every student has to do this semester in this uni. So there's this super-attendant guy whom we used to make fun of. He is weirdly  strict about everything. He told us all the rules and all, nobody used to like his boring talks. SO one morning when  Nabs was having breakfast she saw him at another table. Everything was going normal (oh my god, I almost laughed, my face is tightening up with the stuff I put on, I shouldn't laugh) absolutely normal just u...

Dear B. I was doing absolutely okay until I heard his voice. His song. Someone recorded him singing way back in july and sent it to our group chat. The moment I heard his voice against my ears in headphones, I realized what trouble I am in. A big trouble. I am madly falling in love with him. I couldn't stop listening to it...I don't know for hours maybe I kept it ringing in my ear, until my phone battery went to eight percent I stopped and stalked his profile pictures. The latest pictures had captions. He wrote them...So nicely. His use of vocab was on point. I like that photo of his two friends, caption mainly, in that photo one of his friend is sitting on another of his friend and the caption was somewhat like one was his life's FIRST friend. The other is that one person who can never be replaced, knows everything about him, his deepest darkest secrets. I have seen this picture before even I met him. He was in my class first semester but we didn't exchange a wor...

Dear B, My sister has lost her wedding ring. She called my mother and you know my mom. She is hypertensive. Can you picture what might be going into her mind right now, all the horrors until my sis finds it back. Anyway, not yours to be concerned about. I just don't find anything quite happening with my life right now. So basically, I woke up late, that is no surprise tho, and had brunch and then I picked up my phone, did some searching. Do you know, Charlie Sheen was diagnosed HIV positive 4 years ago? I knew he would suffer from some mortal disease as his life is unconventionally messy. He is so much like his character he used to play on TV. But I like him, for I don't know. He is interesting. The time he left Two and a half man I kind of stopped watching the show. Nothing is same without Uncle Charlie. He was the magnet of the show. Ashton Kutcher is just sweetheart. The show needs some devil energy. So Eid is coming up. No plans whatsoever. I just don't like th...

Dear Blog. Thank you for giving me space to write. Although in this world, where cloud technology prevails, there is no worrying about it. But hey,I, thank you for storing my thoughts. Stupid, meaningless thoughts. I assure you, I will keep coming back. I know since coming home from the residential semester, I've been a bit distracted. I've been posting things, I felt vague about. I used to write things effortlessly. I never forced myself to type up things, experiences or events. All these posts have been posted because they contributed to my daily life and I had to write them up before they slowly fade away from my memory. And some things I didn't make a post about as some things were better to be forgotten and removed from the past. Mind that. Dear Blog, I created you almost four years ago. These four years, I've kept you posted. Maybe some days. I didn't because you know why. Those days I felt blue and couldn't get up from bed. But you learned my stor...

Do you know how good day feels like? I tell you how. You get up from bed, annoyed first not having enough time to sleep, it felt like you were finally closing your eyes but alas, you have class you can't. So you splash water on your face in hope of your tiredness to fade away but it doesn't. Then you have breakfast and tea(the crucial drink of the day).Brush your teeth, clean your face, put some liner and lipstick on and try to look less ugly. Then you leave for your class and stuck in traffic jam listening to your old memory card songs. Then finally, after like half an hour you check in to your university building. But then your cousin calls and tells you come to the third building cafeteria because you have to collect a book from her and she's attending her mid in ten mins so you cross the road again, go and meet her and grab the book,wish her good luck and tell her she's gonna do great. Then you cross the road again. Arrive to class on time. Yawn several times d...

I know this is creepy and juvenile, I kind of researched on friendship and love compatibility based on zodiac signs. Mine and his. All I needed was his birth date. And facebook makes that quite easy. So guy number one is born in October which makes him a Libra, and I kind of wanted him to be Virgo. I like Virgo males. Anywho, So Aries and Libra, both are sunsigns ,  I don't have a fucking idea what that means, and as it appears, each sign has qualities that other sign lacks, so that I guess makes them a good pair...Because one completes another, no? Aries is a fire sign and Libra is an air sign. Air supports fire and keeps it burning. Libra are fascinated by the vivacity and force of Aries. Aries are thrilled by the charm and polished nature of Libra . (I AM INDEED!!) However, they must learn to work in concurrence. This could be difficult considering the polarity of their signs and their difference of nature. Aries’ energetic, impetuous nature might often be at odds with...

Put aside your feelings. Is that what an emotionally intelligent person would do? I remember catching my eye on a line Budha once said- happiness or sorrow whatever befalls you, walk on untouched, unattached. But is that even possible for a human being just have no care in the world? Living in a world that is inter-connected, you cannot stay aloof. Everything that's happening you share with other person. That person becomes your company. You write your own story. It is not valued until shared with another person. I think the only problem with us is that- we create memories. A past. It replays all the moments, and all the left out feelings. Emotions. And everything. We cannot forget, we cannot let go. We are stuck in our body. Stuck is the word, yes to have it purely defined. Our soul wants what it wants. Even when you convince your mind, this is what you wanted, you cannot convince your soul to be happy. You're stuck between dilemmas. So choose. And be picky. Invest...