Everly

He bothers me. I just cannot get him out of my head. I've rarely seen people, so sure of what they are and what they're doing, he is just one of those people, so confident and sarcastic and everything I would want to see in a man. I am talking about the guy who I was previously, previously crushing on. The one in a committed relationship. I thought I was over him, He holds no good for me. He just looks down at me, like I am some girl with no good potentials, like I am some weak person for him to pick on, it's a dangerous game. But I can't stop myself from falling hard. He is just. So perfect with his sexy voice and swag. I don't know yet why he does it. Yesterday, I caught him staring at me with a smirk on his face, saying "I like you." Of course he means as a friend. Or a sister even, I don't know.This is really hard. I can't process his bullying me most of the time, it's like he can't talk with me without picking on me. Every time he wou...

I am at season 5 now. All the Ramsay Bolton Cruelty. One of my friends, he used to call me Ramsay Bolton, not that I have any similarities with the character, God's sake, no. Ramsay sliced dicks and liked to torment his prisoners, I am nowhere near him. It's just my name recites somewhat same with the name Ramsay. I didn't mind when he used to call me that, but now that I have watched what the character actually do...oh gosh I have to pursue him to stop calling me by that cruel beast. I could be Sansa. Yes Sansa Stark is much better character. And she's pretty as well. She's almost like me, delusional. And trusts people rather easily.

Before this residential semester happened, I was in fear of getting apart with my friends, mostly Turtle Dove, not that we were close in the first place, we were both annoyingly nice with each other, that means there were not so much real friendship going on. But she was always there for me, and  I too. So I felt secure. But after this semester, you can say my fear came true, I just figured out her more and more and I have to say this, though it is judgmental of me, still. She fakes a lot. I knew that. And I liked that when she did it with other people, it helps keeping her connected with them, but I personally hate that when she fakes with me. Because I am real with her. I considered her as one of my best friend, all this time, because with her I can be who I am, but now I realized some things about her that is making me keep a distance.One thing I already mentioned. Other things are- She is a happiness sucker. She whines a lot. Which I do too but not all my conversation are abou...

Bizarre! Watching Game of Thrones has now become my guilty pleasure. There's so much cruelty and shocking things and not to forget the explicit stuffs. I just...Oh gosh the episode 9 of season 3, just wrecked me. What the fuck was happening in there. How. I just couldn't. It was too much. Still I am not over it. I mean do they have to slaughter lady Stark and and her son in a wedding, and to make it seem more cruel than it already is, they put wolf's head on to Rob Stark's neck and screamed king of the North and Just about then Arya met his brother...I mean this is beyond...I-uh...And how his pregnant wife was being constantly stabbed in the stomach...I know this isn't real but... I just can't. I can't. It wasn't fair. And they let the Lannisters win I mean fuck them. I was team Stark. And just don't get me started on what Yigritte just did to Jon. I just can't watch Jon being hurt, too much for me. But I am invested on this. I can't stop ...

My parents are shouting at me, it's a thing nowadays, they shout at me every single time I have to do something like eating dinner. I am hungry but I just feel like sitting here. I was going through some photos in my newsfeed, one of my classmates back in residential semester, spent her break in New Zealand. I couldn't help myself wondering, When is it my turn to travel outside the country? When will I be able to do that? I have been to nowhere out the world. I am stuck in this stupid place, where nothing is that pretty compared to European Beauty. I wish I belonged to one of those rich countries...I wish I was born somewhere near sea. I wouldn't want anything then I guess. Whenever I am sad, I would just go to the beach and soak my feet in the water and sand on my skin. I hate where I am right now. I want to leave so bad. I crave leaving so much. I have to work hard to have enough money so that I leave this place forever and never ever come back. This place should be my...

I just realized only 4 and half months are left of 2016. Then we'll start on a new digit.I will be another year old. It scares me literally how time flies. Sadly enough there's no achievement I unlocked to mark this year. It almost happens every fucking year. I don't see myself progressing. Although I had spent three months without my family, does that count as something? Oh and I also ramp walked on stage in cultural night, have I told you before. It was so awkward walking like model. Thank god I wasn't alone, D was there with me. We also sang Fix You as a collab with the big group I hung out with on that function. The first time I ever did something without being just an audience. That night was spectacular. I will never forget. The rush I felt in my blood while singing to the crowd, they held their phones up flashing lights. We were singing out of scale though because most of us couldn't sing, we were all bathroom singers, but never did it hold our passion in...

I am glad to report you that I am feeling like living again. Basically, a full night's sleep helped me gain this perspective. Why bother feeling terrible when there are still things to live for and look forward to. And I have decided the things I don't love, and Love. Let's just do more of those I love, like- Watching music videos on youtube via our new SmartTv Chatting with my cousin sis about boys, basically sharing our instincts. Doodling Asking my friends on chat, their whereabouts, telling them they are missed. Being sarcastic in those chats...okay almost everything involves internet because well I am stuck at home. Things I am not loving-Group chats, sleeping and feeling sleepy, exercising. Okay no more crappy days. I vow to keep myself happy.

Peace. I wish I could tell you how much I am in need of this thing right now.  

Is it humanly possible to watch all the cool Tv shows and movies in a lifetime? So here's what I've been planning to do. Since, Hollywood is a good conversation starter also helpful to find common grounds, I am going to binge-watch all the movies, tv shows my friends mainly talk about. Or today's young generation talks about. Fuck. It's a lot. I haven't finished watching GOT yet. It's like the king of all shows now. You see, how much behind I am? And how uncool that makes me as a person? Last night- I scored. First I watched this movie this one boy suggested in our group and turtle dove sent heart emoji saying this movie is worth watching, so I watched it. It was actually good. Me, earl and the Dying Girl. Then okay, I was reading this book The perks of Being a Wallflower, well because a month back, two of my friends were talking about the book, saying it's a good read, and one of my friends said she even marked all the good lines on the book, she loved...

Not feeling like living these days Last night I talked with strangers on an app named Wakie, I was feeling that much lonely. There was this boy same as my age from Brazil, he wanted to practice English So I talked with him for a while. He was very keen to learn this language. I told him about my country. Then because of network clash, I couldn't hear him anymore. SO I cut the line and went back to sleep. It was 5 am then. I woke up at 5.30 pm. feeling sick of oversleeping, Now my hair's itchy because I haven't washed my hair for 3 days in a row. These days I don't even feel like taking a bath. There is this boy in our group, who doesn't shower. I am turning into him. Right now my mother is watching tv series, and I am worried about how I am going to sleep at night, Last night I wasted being awake and today I wasted in sleep. The whole fucking day. My room looks like a fucking mess, everyday I promise myself I would clean up but I end up doing nothing. ...

To be able to stay calm and quiet in chaos, is a talent, right? In that sense, I am a very talented person.

So right at this moment I am having a box of ice-cream to reduce my grief- that I myself created in the first place. Lately, I've been wondering, where my self-esteem at?  I have been forcing myself to like a guy just because he was first saying sweet cheesy romantic things to me and made me feel special and I ended up hugging him when saying goodbye. To make one thing clearer- Hugging or being even slightly close to guys is taboo in our family. If I see from my family's perspective- I have done a whore-able thing. I don't know if I am one of those girls, whose only thing in life is thinking about men. I don't know if I am turning out to be one. Because honestly I've been feeling so alone and horny-I didn't want to use this word in my blog but what the hell, I am one honest person here. Yes I sometimes, imagine making out with him. It's normal I guess. But the problem is, I don't see us working out. I am basically a mute person around boys, despite th...

I guess we all have seen this coming. Today, my brother passed his A levels' with em disgraceful grades. He didn't even qualify for my university. If he did, we might try for sibling scholarship. I wish I could blame it on luck, our conditions are so poor. We can't manage a good academic result-all three of us. I feel so bad for my father. He has to spend an awful lot of money on us. I don't know how in the world we will manage- with this financial condition. He is so pressured. I don't know how our family will get out of this alive-there's so much costs. I don't know how he does it. And I feel guilty to have my needs met. I feel guilty, spending money on clothes and shoes and bag. I wish life was easy. I wish Life was so simple that we didn't have to take university level degree to get good jobs. I wish Life was so easy that I could earn some money and contribute to my family. I wish I had some strength in me that I could do well with my study. I wish ...

I wish I could say I am not sad anymore, life is doing me okay. I have bunch of friends now to make laugh a little harder, I have been in a friend's house for a mass hangout(WHich I don't normally do, my college life was pretty blunt), they adore me and I wish I could say that- They make my days brighter. But the fact is- I am still holding myself down. After each hangout I feel my insecurities building inside me again, giving me thoughts I don't need- like everybody is cooler than you- you don't fit in and stuffs. That is the reason why I don't like big groups. There's so much people. I get anxious. Then again- they are all so nice and say positive things like- You're cute... You're beautiful. .. Nice and sweet I have to say I am never tired of hearing these things. It's a damn good feeling when appreciated like that. I really like these people- not all of them tho. Some of them I find real and I just can't be thankful enough that I came a...

You want honesty? okay I am going to give you that. I am not sure if I genuinely like him or I actually force myself to like him because I am single and I feel this urge to be with somebody rather alone. But I feel like I have figured this out. He doesn't like me that way , I think he just wants a girlfriend and he saw some possibilities in me as I was always blushing around him. It wasn't like that before. Before, we didn't know each other, he just hung out with his friend's circle, never actually bothered talking with me. But have I told you, these last few weeks, this last month, I had drastically changed, I had mixed with a big group and he was included there. So I don't know what he saw in me, he just started giving me attention, telling me I'm cute over and over again. And oh gosh what it did to me. Every day I would think about him, no guy has ever given me such attention and I just found him sweet and I don't know I felt like he wanted to be with ...

So I've got invited to a house-party out of 20 people and no matter how eager I am to go there and see their faces, I am feeling social anxiety just thinking about attending it. First, I never liked going to rich people's house, and the party host is pretty rich as far as I know, second, I just met them few weeks ago, I am not as close to them to get an invite however, I am thankful that they count me. It's just that, coming back from tarc, I feel like the journey had ended, so are the feelings. There were moments yes. worth remembering by, but I don't see us, those friends sticking around long. At least I don't see me, sticking. I don't blend into big groups much. I appreciate small intimate groups where you can share everything that's going on with your life.  Where you can actually tell whom you're crushing on and they will make fun of you every time he crosses your path. Before, it was just us, me turtledove, D, Sumo, Nalu. Now it turned into one ...

You break the rules, with your sly stupid smile. Your unforgiving dark bold eyes and your tousled hair. You’re driving her normal. Normal as painful as it sounds, normal like a woman. Who never felt like a woman. Who never thought she existed to someone. Who never imagined to be called Beautiful. Every once in a while. Never thought she’d be combing her hair for someone, Never thought she’d be wearing her favorite outfit, Never thought someone would stare like that when she smiled. Never thought she was capable of being admired. Yes you break the rules. Until she met You. She was so sure, sure of living life according to her plan. Until you came. You changed everything. You broke down her walls. You made her fall. You made her climb. You made her do things she doesn’t believe she can. You made her cross the line, there was a fine, fine line before. Nothing is the same. Look at her now. Look at the new pattern she picked up. Only because of you. You broke the rules....

Something about that place. I have never in my life, seen so many patterns of sky like I used to see there just looking out the window. Whenever I was upset, out of habit I would go and slide the window open and that just did it. Many colors I had seen of skies there, purple, pink, blood orange. Most I liked the unicorn sky. Yes I have a name for a sky I like. Don't judge. Morning was always dull, I had classes to attend to. Then after the lunch it used to get kind of tolerable. I can't actually tell, how an average day went, everyday was something new. Like that time when we laid down on grass, in a starry night, listening to music. The best part of the nights were singing our heart out in the basketball court. And the retarded and insane moments. Words fall short. Friends. That word does not scare me anymore. You see, I like to be around people now. Getting to know people is like reading human diaries, discovering and exploring souls is fun. Before, I hardly knew anybo...