spring is almost here

I guess I'm just annoyed at everybody for living their perfectly planned lives and me on the other hand, clueless of my life and goals. How am I supposed to get a life this way? When I am constantly blaming people for moving forward, their goals, creating their future and for making things more challenging for me. Making me unclear of what I want. I wish seeing them could work as a motivation to me, but it's just all so depressing.I don't wanna prove anything to anyone, I just wanna get a life of my own. I just wanna get outta here. For some weird reasons, all I could think about is leaving this house. My family. I feel like, there's a whole new life out there where I have to end up. I feel this urge to leave this confinement and just completely spoil myself out there. Then I stop and listen to myself telling these things, these stupid little things, and I shake it off. Because I am not going anywhere. I am stuck in here. I am confined with my parent's dreams, I am confined with making them happy and proud, I am confined with everybody's decision. That's the way it is. And let me be pissed. Let me be pissed at everyone for getting their shit together. They are not helping. And I feel too down to help myself.

These times, I talk to myself. Cause hello? Is there anyone in this planet who understands me more than me? I talk to this voice inside me,Not so weird I promise. She is my optimism. 
"I'm pathetic."
"No you're not."
"Look at my face. What do you see?"
"I see your soul through your eyes, nothing scarred it, you still have good in you."
"That's bullshit."
"Okay then look by yourself. Can't you see it? It's not too late. You're still a good person."
"All I can see, is a face covered in pimple and acne scars."
"I didn't say look close, I said look deep. Look in your eyes.Your thoughts."
"Why are you talking to me anyway? You are no one."
"I am your good thoughts."
"You make no sense, and I feel ugly and sad and dreamless."
"You don't have to say this things to clarify. Take a break from it all."
"Again, you're making no sense."
"Stop saying those things to yourself like a mantra.You're not lonely or sad or dreamless. Just cut yourself some slack. Literally, hug yourself. You're not pathetic."
"But I don't know I just feel like I am not doing what I should at my age. I haven't accomplished anything yet, I haven't done anything splendid."
"You are just nineteen."
"And half."
"Whatever. You should forget those cliched things you said you feel.There is no certain timing.Like you still can enjoy see-saw rides or sucking a strawberry lollypop right? Just don't think it's over for you cause it's not."
"But...I am a lazy person. I sleep like a pig."
"I am afraid it's true. But here's the thing. You're not lazy, You choose to be it. It's you, who takes control and it's you who takes no action against laziness and sleep."
"So you're saying?"
"Get yourself out of the lazy island. Do some work. Plan it. Be technical."
 "I am just too lazy to do that."
"Then. Fuck you,Fuck you very very much."
"Hey I was listening to that song today, no wonder why it's stuck in my head."
"Our head."
"When will you stop talking to me?"
"When will you start doing what you gotta do?"
"I don't know. Tomorrow?"
"Okay. Great. Why not now?"
"I am tired."
"Fuck you,Fuck you very very much."
"Tomorrow. I promise."
"You promise yourself that. Every night. And I haven't seen you keep it, ever."
"May be this time, I will. And please shut up now, I have to get some sleep."\
"Who am I to keep you from sleep? Have anyone ever, on this planet, succeeded to keep you from your very own sleep hours?"
"Yes."
"Uh. Okay you know what? I am gonna shut up now."
"Thank you "
"Sleep tight."
"Oh I will."