I found a new habit-watching movies that worth a good sob. Actually haven't settled on it yet but it could turn into my habit. I like movies that are deeply emotional. And Romantic comedies. Whatever. 2 good movies in a row brought me to tears. Both had happy endings, I mostly cried at the intervals. Love,Rosie. Longest Ride. Weird how it both starts with the letter L.
I just thought, this could take my mind off for a while. Should I confess a weird thing about me?
Since I was...a kid. Umm.. no let's start with...When I first got aware of my appearance, I used to look at the mirror...a lot. I used to look at my face most frequently, everyday. Since then mirror was my best friend.Whenever I felt insecure or bored I just used to sit close to my mother's dressing table and looking right into my reflection I used to make funny expressions or just sing, or dance or act like a superstar. It became my daily routine. My personal habit. Have I ever told you, How I liked seeing myself cry at the mirror? It just made me feel all dramatic and to me it was a sight worth seeing, or observing how I looked when I cried. Okay. So Mirror has been a vital element of my life, I can't imagine my life without it actually. It's not that - I am obsessed over looking myself, It's just...It just shows me who I am, who I really am inside and I would just be completely and utterly myself when I come across a mirror. It just brings out the weird in me, The child in me, the insanity I repress upon me. It just unfolds everything and it had worked as a shield until now.
I never worried about my face/hair/my skin/my body before. I never actually cared about my appearance that much. I just loved looking at the mirror, that was all. My face didn't look that bad to me. I didn't have pimples more than one or two and I was younger, skinnier and I had nothing against my skin or body. I loved the way I was.
Then years had flown by, I grew more and more observant of my appearance. My thinning hair. My bushy eyebrows. My acne prone skin. My dark complexion.The stubborn marks on my face caused by acne and that pox scar.The fat in my belly. Everything I am insecure of. The mirror that used to be my friend has now become my enemy. It shows me how flawed I am in every way. And trust me. I have tried everything to just be flawless for once. I had put a raw egg on my face, I had tried facial masks, I had spent half of my energy on watching tutorials and making those masks. Then I had tried make up to hide those hideous marks but failed every time. Whenever I found a new bump in my face I would give all my hopes up. Getting over pimples is not the hard part, but getting over the scars, is I tell you the hardest. And it doesn't just require handwork or disgusting and smelly face masks, it requires both energy and time and the mental strength that- I am putting it on my skin.
Thus it doesn't show its miracle. You have to do it in a daily basis and be patient. I am patient until new pimples show up. It drives me crazy. Then it has all my concentration and energy. All I could think about then is how to get rid of those new ones and the marks and I would just be a complete idiot.
In short, this has been the evolution of my life. I wish I could just let go of it all. I wish I could just be proud of myself looking at the mirror again. But I don't anymore, SO I distract myself. But it doesn't change the fact that I am getting uglier. And I ponder, every day, every moment about it. And it doesn't make me feel any worse. I know I shouldn't give my appearance such attention, but I always thought, you know. My looks could be my bonus. It could help with my self-esteem. But now, it just depresses me. I was pondering over it in the morning today and a girl from the class who was sitting right beside me asked- "Are you upset?"
"Why would I be upset?"
"You look upset."
"Oh. I am just sleepy."
I actually wanted to say to her that she was right, I was upset. I was upset because there was a jointed pimple on my face, pudgy and it bothered me every time I put my hand on my right cheek. Then I would explore more with my hand on my face, and feel tiny bump almost everywhere in my cheek and in chin area. I hated it and I was already distracted from the class because I was planning what facial mask to apply today.I know it's silly.
Beauty without depth is just decoration.
But I am not looking for ways to impress anyone with my face or appearance, I just wanna look good to myself. Once I have the comfort of looking myself in the mirror like I used to have, I would never worry about other person looking at me. The key point is to look good to myself so I can be confident. And the key point is missing, I don't look good since a very long time and so I've not been quite happy, a long time. I am trying to get over it. It's not easy at all. But I've been trying to accept the person I am now. And only at this moment I have started trying.
I just thought, this could take my mind off for a while. Should I confess a weird thing about me?
Since I was...a kid. Umm.. no let's start with...When I first got aware of my appearance, I used to look at the mirror...a lot. I used to look at my face most frequently, everyday. Since then mirror was my best friend.Whenever I felt insecure or bored I just used to sit close to my mother's dressing table and looking right into my reflection I used to make funny expressions or just sing, or dance or act like a superstar. It became my daily routine. My personal habit. Have I ever told you, How I liked seeing myself cry at the mirror? It just made me feel all dramatic and to me it was a sight worth seeing, or observing how I looked when I cried. Okay. So Mirror has been a vital element of my life, I can't imagine my life without it actually. It's not that - I am obsessed over looking myself, It's just...It just shows me who I am, who I really am inside and I would just be completely and utterly myself when I come across a mirror. It just brings out the weird in me, The child in me, the insanity I repress upon me. It just unfolds everything and it had worked as a shield until now.
I never worried about my face/hair/my skin/my body before. I never actually cared about my appearance that much. I just loved looking at the mirror, that was all. My face didn't look that bad to me. I didn't have pimples more than one or two and I was younger, skinnier and I had nothing against my skin or body. I loved the way I was.
Then years had flown by, I grew more and more observant of my appearance. My thinning hair. My bushy eyebrows. My acne prone skin. My dark complexion.The stubborn marks on my face caused by acne and that pox scar.The fat in my belly. Everything I am insecure of. The mirror that used to be my friend has now become my enemy. It shows me how flawed I am in every way. And trust me. I have tried everything to just be flawless for once. I had put a raw egg on my face, I had tried facial masks, I had spent half of my energy on watching tutorials and making those masks. Then I had tried make up to hide those hideous marks but failed every time. Whenever I found a new bump in my face I would give all my hopes up. Getting over pimples is not the hard part, but getting over the scars, is I tell you the hardest. And it doesn't just require handwork or disgusting and smelly face masks, it requires both energy and time and the mental strength that- I am putting it on my skin.
Thus it doesn't show its miracle. You have to do it in a daily basis and be patient. I am patient until new pimples show up. It drives me crazy. Then it has all my concentration and energy. All I could think about then is how to get rid of those new ones and the marks and I would just be a complete idiot.
In short, this has been the evolution of my life. I wish I could just let go of it all. I wish I could just be proud of myself looking at the mirror again. But I don't anymore, SO I distract myself. But it doesn't change the fact that I am getting uglier. And I ponder, every day, every moment about it. And it doesn't make me feel any worse. I know I shouldn't give my appearance such attention, but I always thought, you know. My looks could be my bonus. It could help with my self-esteem. But now, it just depresses me. I was pondering over it in the morning today and a girl from the class who was sitting right beside me asked- "Are you upset?"
"Why would I be upset?"
"You look upset."
"Oh. I am just sleepy."
I actually wanted to say to her that she was right, I was upset. I was upset because there was a jointed pimple on my face, pudgy and it bothered me every time I put my hand on my right cheek. Then I would explore more with my hand on my face, and feel tiny bump almost everywhere in my cheek and in chin area. I hated it and I was already distracted from the class because I was planning what facial mask to apply today.I know it's silly.
Beauty without depth is just decoration.
But I am not looking for ways to impress anyone with my face or appearance, I just wanna look good to myself. Once I have the comfort of looking myself in the mirror like I used to have, I would never worry about other person looking at me. The key point is to look good to myself so I can be confident. And the key point is missing, I don't look good since a very long time and so I've not been quite happy, a long time. I am trying to get over it. It's not easy at all. But I've been trying to accept the person I am now. And only at this moment I have started trying.
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