Everly

I have cuts of you in my skin, whenever I look at them I remember those times. These last two months, I've been content with myself, but before that it was a constant havoc. I never thought I would ever feel happy again. Would genuinely laugh and smile. But you made that possible, better late than never. 2017. Every night I used to cry myself to sleep.  5 am, I dried my tears on my cheeks, making my face all sticky and swell. I was on the floor. I felt so small. Even my own room made me feel unfamiliar. I don't particularly remember why I was crying that miserably, I just remember being hurt. I just remember telling myself, will it ever end? I partially blamed me for what happened with my brother that time. Every flicker of optimism died within me. Wasn't it selfish just to think, everybody around you is having a nice time and you are dying in the corner, sucking all the depression in? I remember feeling helpless, pathetic little looser who thought it was her...

They say, Bengali women's pride lies in their hair. My pride is falling like leaves in Autumn air. Everyday in shower, I lose a bit of pride, I glue them with water in my bathroom tiles. Patience. They say, slowly it will grow back. Wake up in the mornings, That's the ultimate hack. A tin full of nuts sits on my table, the hair's meat Doctor said, Your hair is what you eat. Grass is greener from where you stand, I see what they have and I can't My genes are curly but I want straight My eyes are tired of my anorexic braid. I dream of a day, In car with the hoods down, driving to the sea. Wind brushing through my thick silk hair, making waves like the ocean at bay.

So Moon apu's Akhd is done. She is a married woman now. I don't wanna be next on the line, but my mother talks about marriage to me almost everyday lately, it is so annoying and terrifying. I am on 21. I have so much left to do and become. Right now, the least thing I would want is a boyfriend maybe but not a husband! And my mind can't process the behavior complexities of in-laws. It drives me nuts to even see my cousin, getting into that sort of thing...It's like jail for women. My mother can't seem to agree on letting me go after I graduate. My graduation is her deadline to marry me off. I swear, everyday, she will bring up wedding discussions, every fucking day! Do you have any idea how annoying that is? I want time off. I want to go abroad as soon as I can to get rid of her. Here's my plan, in two years I am graduating hopefully, I maybe would take a french course side by side, I'd take IELTS with Turtle Dove and Batman and we'd apply for college...

I woke up due to unfortunate circumstances this morning. My father has a habit of raging anger when you least expect it. So basically he was shouting, putting blame on my mother for raising us so loosely without any rules and letting us sleep late and my mother then equally raged, put all her frustration on our housemaid, it's a never ending cycle of madness I don't wanna talk about. So I woke up; had breakfast and as soon as my father was out the door, I fell asleep, woke up again at 5 pm, I have finals after 4 days, back to back and since Thursday-I  downloaded classic top rated movies like Godfather to Irani movie like Children of Heaven and wasted hours and hours being awake at night and sleeping the whole morning....I am a natural at wasting time... Anyway, I am still not hitting the books. I should though. But I don't want to.

This month I have one of my cousin's wedding ceremony, and it's all I can think about. What dress I am gonna wear, what makeup, what shoes, what accessories; just puts me in a festive mood, can't help it. I have two exams left, and I did fairly good in my management course which is kind of shocking, because I gave it my least effort. I am still two marks away from getting an A tho, but my teacher might just consider. I don't know when she's gonna upload the grades. I don't do well in study gaps, they're pretty useless to me. I like being rushed, being stressed the nights before exams, It's when I actually get the things done. Study gaps just put me in a relaxed mood and I sleep like a pig...Okay enough of the book talk. It's been drizzling non stop outside...Perfect weather to stay home and sleep. These days, I can't find a decent thing to write about. My life is going kind of blunt. My university is in recess for finals, but I had to go ch...

  2017   made me realize few things. You cry and cry and nobody will be there to wipe your tears. You are happy, and everybody questions why. You put on makeup, everybody assumes it's because of a guy. The world is out there glistening with possibilities, and you're home In your comfort zone, In bed Crying over things you can't fix.

you give me a great deal of anxiety and butterflies inside my stomach. tears when I don't even wanna feel sad. unnecessary wide grins. I feel so stupid and crazy as if, there's something between us. you're a poem without rules and rhymes, you're hard to figure out. you're like a puzzle I am yet to solve but my head is all over the place.

My brother, My mom and I, In our terrace, a starry night. I see the half moon, glowing afar, I see my brother at a distance, listening songs in his headphones, making hand gestures to the beats. I think to myself. This takes away my worries. I feel this warmth in my heart. I whisper to myself, like a prayer- "Everything's going to be okay." For all the times he used to say to me  "I hear sounds, I hear people saying mean things to me" This hallucination. This audio that went on and on his mind. Finally I see him enjoying music taking down the illusion. I've missed my life being this normal. I felt complete. My family is my happy place again.  

I am still getting glimpses of him Sometimes happy memories sneak in to my mind, An interrupting smile, now and then... Sometimes a squeak. He used to be funny and smart.  I don't know if he still is. We don't talk

You know, I've always figured, my parents are a toxic couple. My dad didn't let my mom continue study after inter, My grandmother wouldn't have let her either. They have a mentality that wives are better off staying home looking after kids and serve food on the table. And my mom wasn't a rebel, she's still not one. She is consumed with the notion that, her husband will be the breadwinner and so she could go shopping and stuffs. When my dad says, we have to cut expenses this month, she gets crazy and keeps on ranting how he's not doing well in the business and there's been no luck for us. Then my dad goes on ranting, how he gives, gives and gives and is never appreciated for once. And in between I get the most harsh words. I am such a failure born to this family, I am uncontrollable, I don't do any household work, I sleep all the time and I live unhealthy, I am not doing well in my studies, I am such an evil monster, I am selfish, I am the worst human b...

'I don't miss you' is a lie, I speak like a mantra Just to save my mind some trouble Trouble that comes with the blur version of you, That set of eyes that made me dream once, made me want to be with you. And I don't yet know what pursued me to think You miss me too.

Today was good. We went to watch Thor:Ragnarok and it was uh-mazing. I loved it. Chris Hemsworth is so HOT. And Loki is so cute. Ann used to obsess about his smile. Today I got to know why. He is a charming man. And do you know Dr. Strange has a scene in it? Three hotties, who am I to complain? I have always been aloof from action/sci-fi movies but this one in particular wooed me, and to watch it in a theater with friends was the best part....I needed this. On a completely different note, I didn't screw up any of my presentations this semester. I never thought I would see a light of improvement in me so that's a start. I got good marks and I gotta say, I am in a good place right now. What is scary tho, this happiness thing can be temporary, when I am happy I feel like something terrible is going to happen. Anyway, gotta have dinner, I am famished.

Winter is almost here. I see insects flying their way to my room at nights and the uncertain urge to turn on and off the fan and covering and uncovering myself with blanket. And acting like a corpse in bed at morning, because of the cozy feeling. Sweet November is here. Tomorrow is my presentation. I practiced my speech for hours tonight. I know I am still gonna screw up. This whole weekend, I treated myself like a blunt existence. When I was in car going to a wedding, listening to songs in my earpiece, I told myself how unhappy I am lately. How ungrateful that makes me. I don't know how this started and when this will end. When I am around my cousins, I am this giddy, uncomplicated version of myself, and that goes the same with my friends. But this psycho babble in my mind, I can't stop. I get sad and every aspect of living loses its meaning. I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live either. I don't know how that's possible. If there were any one in the whol...

I do wait. No matter how many times I tell myself, it means nothing. I keep on waiting. For a notification to pop up. From a certain person. I do feel. No matter how many zillion times I show other people I'm numb. I keep on crying staring at the ceiling fan going round and round. At night when everybody is asleep. The light is only lit in my room. I whisper to my heart. Can you beat without taking orders from my neurons? I question my being. I question my honesty and innocence. I sink into oblivion And in a long pause, I barely feel anything. I barely do anything. I'm just there. In flesh, bones and blood, lying on bed, face soaking wet and barely got a hang of this life. The earth is spinning, I wish sometimes I could feel the spins from the ground. The gravity they say keeps us from floating, but I want to float. I want my tears to bubble up and fly in the air. My being is still a question mark As I exhale a deep breath in the dark I close my eyes and try t...

I didn't shower for two consecutive days because I dozed off after coming home from class, woke the next morning to class wearing tons of perfume and had midterms all week. I just had this slime type fiber juice my mom made me a while ago, because of my severe constipation, blood coming out of poop and I am just still a bit confused if that is period blood or piles. Hope it's not cancer. ( HAHA sorry for oversharing) Yes I am disgusting. Just cope with it. Speaking of that. I guess everybody has a coping mechanism when it comes to changes. This semester, I learned to get over him, I learned that whatever I felt for him was mixed with my own fantasies and myths and mushy thoughts influenced by watching too much romantic comedies. Today, my paradigm kind of shifted when I saw him mocking another of my friend, who's boyfriend is his one of the best friends by the way and my gut said, I don't love this man anymore. It wasn't jealousy. It was a realization. He ta...

It is funny how the brain works If you can't remember something, some word or phrase and you give up trying to remember, don't worry it will come up. Maybe not instantly or the day you want it to. But it will in days or weeks or even months after, it will reverse the information, you'll get what you once wanted to remember. Isn't it something amusing?  I once read something like this in Humayun Ahmed's book, in Misir Ali maybe. And I experienced this quite sometime in my life and now I believe it to be true.

this year I acknowledged that I can cry without having to think sorrows, I can mentally break down to songs, to movies and documentaries within seconds, and there need not to be any reasons for me to being sad and having a soaked pillow. I honestly don't know why I cried watching "Simply Complicated" It's a documentary of a celebrity, my childhood favorite singer Demi Lovato, whose struggles shown in it, struggles with drugs, cocaine, self harm, eating disorder, sleeping disorder and all the fucked up things addicts do...And I cried without even empathizing what was happening on the screen. I don't relate to her other than the fact that, I sleep a lot and I sometimes resist food for the fear of getting fat and the fact that I love music. My issues aren't big enough. And I think, I do think, I would have taken drugs if I had access to it, because I have such fascination toward it, I always talk to my friends about how I want to get high and feel the feelings a...

I feel good after just one hour of doing study. hehe.

I woke up at 5 pm today and my father forced me to do breakfast at 10 and let me go back to sleep again. Yesterday, I woke up at 7 at the evening. I can't leave my bed, I am that depressed. I know it isn't solely about the guy I am not talking to. I have his number, I am aching to give him a call but I am resisting it. He is 42, that keeps ringing in my head when I think about calling him. I woke up from a dream today. I was at BUP. It is the semi public university I once got accepted through written test but got sacked in viva. They didn't take me because my spoken English wasn't good enough. And I was a wreck at the interview. I was shaking and not answering their questions properly. If I studied there instead of Brac, my father would have to pay less than half the money he pays for my tuition fee. I never forgave myself for messing up the interview. Guess now I see in my dream what my mind wants to see. SO the dream was, I was there, admitted on a second time b...

So I am in a weird position right now. It all started with whisper. You know the app where you can chat with strangers. I was bored and I posted "Can't sleep." And this mystery man knocked me saying neither can I. I let out a sigh. And it rhymed. :v We chatted till dawn and he said a lot about him and I said a few. Because I didn't wanna go into something real...He is a business man, lives in NY but came here for couple of months, he is 42 year old, he's a divorcee, has a 4 year old son and last night he called me and technically he talked on and on and I was listening, I pressed the mute button on my side because my niece and my sister were asleep beside me, I didn't wanna wake them up....I only chatted and he was okay with that. And there you go. I'm on the way to becoming a slut. Tho I still have a chance to stop before anything happens between us, he just knows my first name and my age and where I study and some unimportant things but I am in a d...

I'm broke. It is just not about the money, it has so many aspects to it. I'm broke in a way that my parents can afford it but I feel guilty taking money from them I'm broke. I wish I could cry money. I swallow guilt every time I am handed a note for lunch. I don't eat. Well I do it like this, I split the money and use the least portion of it to buy snacks. My tummy tells me I'm not, while my mind forces me to think I'm full. Because I rather be hungry than feel guilt rushing through my veins rest of the day. My father doesn't count what he gives, he is a giver, My mother spends more than she saves And I'm broke. I don't earn money but I know how much of a pressure my father has to go through. And every time I order or purchase, I take a guilt trip twice, thrice, till the moment, I cry myself to sleep. I'm broke. I can't pay for my friend's birthdays, I said I will but I can't But I will, in the end, for my position in ...

I have this urge to dress up my depression in a way that everybody sees it as though I am perfectly happy in every circumstances life throws at me, which is kind of disturbing sometimes, because I feel terrible to pretend at times when all of my mind is hung up on one thing and I don't care a bit about what they have to say yet I pretend to care. Giggle at pun intended at me, and it is going fine if you look at it without observing it. But if you put me under a microscope I am not doing so fine. I cried myself to sleep last night while talking to God. I asked him to fix my brother because I can't still accept it. How he's so much alike a dead fish just floating, going with the flow that's it. He doesn't have an opinion on anything. He doesn't laugh so much. He is better than before I am thankful for that. But I miss him shouting. Claiming his ground whenever he is scold. These days, I feel like I actually lost him. I remember how he was in the childhood and I...

I am thinking of doing a small business, some sort of artsy crafty online thing. But I don't know how to pursue that. I clearly need supplies and diy ideas and a lot of things that our country doesn't sell. My friends and I had discussed about this before we even have a group in facebook messanger but we aren't sure how to get a startup, everyone's probably busy. But I want to start like I really really do. Online businesses are blooming these days and I really kind of in need of doing something by my own. UGH so frustrated now. Umm,,,So I noted down couple of things. I can do notebooks, of fandom covers and illustrations -customized mugs -bookmarks or stickers -selfie placards for parties -Tshirts/Pillow cases with texts- all I need is transfer papers, I don't know where to find that -Posters I still don't know how to start this, I mean need a lot of publicity and productiveness. 

I am ignoring him bluntly on his face. I don't know if he figured it out yet or actually "cares" that I am not around him much. I know it's rude and childish but I think it's working. I am rather numb about him now. I don't feel like I need his attention anymore, nor do I feel like I should give him some. It may cost whatever friendship we had all the year round but there is no other way to get over him fast. Now there's nothing holding me back, no awkward encounters, no conversation to playback or smile to. I think this is the way. THE WAY to self empowerment. Today I kind of felt irritated at Turtle Dove. It is none of her problem. It's mine. I find her too loud sometimes. It's annoying how she talks and talks and talks. And no matter how I tell myself I am okay with her and Batman's cuddling in public, I am not. I feel awkward seeing him sniff her hair sometimes or lean on her neck and all the couply things they do yet T says to me she do...

It is funny how when I have all the time to myself, I usually devote it to trouble my mind. Torture myself with vivid memories of me being insufficient and I automatically play a girl of a weak character. It has sort of become my pattern, I think to myself, as weak and clumsy and inefficient. Whom is not worthy of anyone's praises...I wonder if I will ever be able to escape this endless self doubt and pity? Am I ever going to feel like I own it? All seriousness aside, this semester is going to be a long one. I am already tired of it. Is there anything or anyone who can cheer me up? I don't think so...Is this my frustration of not finding anyone suitable to date? Maybe...I might like to inform you, I once tried Tinder, and massively failed. The ones that I was matched, was either looking for a hookup, or has a girlfriend, just came to kill time...Another who I was matched with, had a business to run and barely could reply instantly, it was as if, I was the one had all the tim...

So class got cancelled. I am not going to university today. I like such surprises in the morning. I am loving Downton Abbey. The thing I love about this tv show is that, it has a very clean graphics. And the actors are awfully good with their dialogues. The season 2 is on download so I am waiting. I realized one thing. My life is not dull, I am dull. I get bored with even hearing myself talk. I mean I am not interesting at all. Is that something changeable? Maybe with experience and course of events, I'll turn into somewhat substantial and interesting but I don't see it coming soon. I just loathed the idea of me being stuck in here forever. T and I we both wanna leave the country and pursue masters in Canada, which is a farfetched dream I know. Neither of our family is gonna pay for that, the only way to convince them is to get accepted in a scholarship program. And I highly doubt about getting full free scholarship in the near future. We are so average. She is getting bett...

I've set a ground rule for myself. I decided that I will not speak to him ever again and keep my distance from him whenever he is around. Because last time I spoke, things didn't turn any way near good and left me drained of my happiness...Okay enough of the self-torture, I need to step up for myself and avoid him. Today I have just one class, and I hope I don't have to see his face. It happened that day. I came back from lab and he was the last person I wanted to see. God just granted me the wish because just when I looked toward the door, he entered and I had my nightmares come true, I had to force myself to talk to him because nobody else had class and it was just us. And T arrived a bit late. And I was already awkward the moment he sat beside me. There's nothing....NOTHING that I could speak that could keep the flow going. It was rather awkward to speak than being silent together. Oh my god. How much I regret coming out of lab. And that wasn't the only prob...

I am at computer lab, these days I go to classes early, okay way early. One of the disadvantages of leaving our old house. It was so close to my university. I literally spend an hour and half daily in the car to come to classes. And because we can't detour for the traffic, my dad tells me to come early with him as he has to go to his office in the morning. Anyway, classes are going fine these days. Only problem is. I am thinking about him too often. It is like a disease. Every moment, I would recall something he said or did or imagine talking to him and it is just not doing me good. I am supposed to move on by now. He is supposed to mean nothing to me. He is not even a good friend of mine, and we don't talk to each other so often. Then why is that I can't shut him up in my mind? Yesterday, everyone in our friend circle was asked a question- Who would you Kill,marry and hookup? The answer had to be hetro. So it kind of stir everyone's reaction. I obviously didn'...

I enjoy doing brainless activities. I realized that while washing dishes this morning. And frying rotis for everyone's breakfast. Our maid has gone out for holidays and I successfully woke up this morning, and thus helping out my mother. She is on skype with my grandmother and aunties, all from abroad, and I was in the kitchen listening bits of their conversation... So apparently my cousin, Hia, she is on diet and ends up eating everything, Someone's name I didn't catch, her hair grew and Rusmi's hair getting thinner, and I heard a kid's voice probably mom's nephew or something....It has been pouring outside and I made us some tea.... I think I might just start Downton Abbey, have heard lots of good reviews on this series. And Breaking Bad is on my list too. I just keep dodging good old tv shows every one talks about. This time I am gonna download it on my pc so I don't lose interest while it buffers on live streaming. Tomorrow my classes start. Gott...

I performed fazar salat today...And haven't slept all night. Kind of feeling peaceful after namaz/// I took a huge gap, I think last time I sat on my zainamaz it was ramadan month. So I am starting again from today, hope I'd be punctual enough to stick to five waqts a day. Enough moslim talk. Umm. So I have been sleeping like a pig. I woke up at 8 pm last night and haven't got any sleep since. These days, I overslept for abnormal hours and  only when my parents shouted, bit me with a hanger, I forced myself to get up from bed and shower and eat and  do usual things...Every morning my brother would come by my room and splash water on me, and I remember badmouthing him. I called him son of a bitch. This is first time in a long time I said something to him like that...Since he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was nothing but sweet to him, I felt sensitive to even talk to him. I stopped myself speaking any kind of negativity in front him, only words of encouragement onl...

is it too strange that I know his ex's birthday by heart? I wonder what he's feeling now, I mean last year, exactly at this moment, he might be planning her birthday surprise and a month after that she broke up with him the day after his birthday. Oh gosh, I know so much of their lives they don't know I know. It is kinda creepy. I cannot but get obsessed with other people's love lives, it is just that I don't have my own. I am like FBI on couples that  I adore or once adored. Anyway. I've been watching The Mindy Project. It is like the food to the soul. If you like romantic comedies and you're up for a season marathon not just hour and half of a movie, then you must start binging on this show. It is the perfect combination of romance and comedy. I am absolutely enjoying it.

Nothing special to report you there bloggie.Eid ul adha is done. My classes gonna start within almost a week... I feel like I am turning into a slug. Seriously, I am always in bed these holidays. I don't do anything, literally, other than fulfilling my hygiene needs and hunger, all I do is sleep,eat,shower,repeat. Getting sick of of my chins. They're beginning to look chubby again... The last thing I want is dying looking like an obese.

I am late on my period and that is causing me a roller coaster of emotions and tiredness. Too much information? Well. I am bored I don't know what else to talk about. I might include this. Today I finished reading Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone...I have been hung up on this book for almost half a year. Because of the semester exams I couldn't get into it. But today I was determined to finish....It is true, this book is purely imaginative, J.K Rowling has a really nice touch on fantasy novels like this. And I like how she used all the popular myths/conceptions, so I didn't need to do any web search. I just knew and portrayed what she was talking about in the book...Also I have watched the movie numerous times, so it was like re-watching it with mind. I liked it. I may move on to the next book tonight.

I forgot being hopeful. I forgot dreaming for a better world. I literally stopped hoping. Worrying myself about the worst things that could happen. I don't know when it started. Maybe the day, my father said, he left his job because his colleagues conspired against him and he didn't get promotion. Maybe from that day, I felt my ground shaking a little. From that day, I felt unsafe, though my father never made me feel any crisis. I felt guilty for every lavish spending I did. I felt a huge lump on the back of my throat every time I did bad in the exams. Because I knew, if I don't get chance in public university, my father will suffer badly. Yet I didn't make anything easy for him. I didn't get admission to any public and here I am in my sixth semester in a private uni with huge expense and no scholarship. It must be hard for him to go to office everyday, at this age. So he could pay mine and my brother's tuition fees. I don't know how he does it what he...

I regret being a plain kid. I should have taken music or dance classes when I was a youngster. Could have helped with my esteem needs and maybe I would have something now to boast about...Seriously I feel like I have nothing to be proud of myself. I suck.

I feel like this year has been eventful... First I found out that my brother is schizophrenic. It came as a shock. But I got used to it. A lot tears shed, depression, denial, silent sufferings then slowly surrendering to acceptance, I've come a long way. And seeing him going to classes, and doing the usual stuffs like eating, praying, studying actually gave me a relief, he is a lot normal now, although he still hears things, he manages to ignore it and live his life. I am grateful for that. I accepted the way he is now. And there's never been a time, I wasn't proud. He is a lot stronger than I am. The highlight of this year would be that we moved to our new apartment. To a completely different area. And so far, I have no such complains. I don't miss my old home, or any of my aunt's ongoing tantrums.... Two of my senior cousins are getting married this year and maybe leaving the country. That is a huge deal in our family. So we are actually getting older and gr...

I don't know what he is doing to me. All I know is.. Whatever he is doing has an adverse effect on me. I don't feel normal...Seriously what gives him the right to have such power over me? What makes him so worthy of my attention and all my time? I hate the fact that I am falling right back again. God. WHY WHY WHY  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es4qbA6YSfQ

So my exams are all over....I didn't do good this semester, no improvements. Turtle dove on the other hand did a vast, got A's on two of em. Can't believe it is my fifth semester and I haven't got an A yet. Shame, shame. So yesterday, we went out, we lunched together after ages, some of them in the group I thought were lost. It felt good seeing everyone after so long. It did feel like we caught up what we missed  this whole semester of separateness. I can't believe I am still hung up on singer guy after all the self empowerment shit I pulled. He just. He just effortlessly makes himself attractive to me. I should have kept my expectations high for men...Seriously it is high time I should. T messaged me last night saying we need to talk and I kinda have a bad feeling on it. She hasn't waken up yet so I don't know. I feel like she has something serious to do with it. I mean I gotta say, I did some back stabbing before, the time when I kind of felt disheart...

The thought of studying makes me wanna take naps. I have slept an unusual amount, and I have another boil, this time on my foot and it hurts every time I walk. I kinda feel it in my muscle though it is on outer skin.  I don't know for what I am being punished for. I shower, I give my body enough food still I am infected with this thing, for twice now, and I tell ya, this time if it hurts again like hell, I would go see a doc and have operation or something. I have another final left.  I am not doing good this semester. At all

Before the finals I get this urge to organize everything, which I think is a nervous behavior. I don't have OCD, I wish I had it sometimes tho. I am too lousy to get this kind of fancy disorder. But. Tomorrow is my final and I am wasting my time in various tasks-like activity for example, I just finished organizing one-third of my drawer, designated it only for purse and bags, and I also am kind of craving to touch my closet, it would be too much tho, everything's there are in topsy-turvy,and I have too much clothes to fold. So I may pass on that. Tomorrow is my business course final. It is about formats of writing and structures used in corporate world, I feel memorizing them is needless. I don't think I may have a chance to get a job by not applying all these into practical terms. I don't see a point of this course being theoretical at all. It is communication for god's sake. It cannot be learned by answering descriptive questions. At least not by book and tips....

My mother thinks I have a problem. Well set of problems. After what seemed like almost a week, when she was back from her relative's wedding, I didn't hug her and said I missed her. So she thinks I am not normal. I do missed her. It is just that I am too awkward for that. She got kind of upset seeing my lack of emotions. I've been sleeping too much. With her being gone, nobody was there to scream at me on my bed. I utilized the time of her gone by oversleeping and headaches that came afterwards. My mother is kind of a woman, who can't conceal any emotions. Let it be anger, sorrow or glee. She mirrors everything she feels inside. She has no control over her emotions whatsoever. Sometimes, I get super mad at her for being unreasonable. Sometimes, I feel sorry for her for being like this...She can be pretty childish sometimes. And she has always had this soft spot for my sister, who is much like her in ways. They both agree on terms. So I am not so close with her.I res...

The thought of him still occurs. It is not like I don't love him anymore. I still do. But the need to constantly want him in my life, to physically be around him have undermined. I wish it was possible to erase all the memories that he has caused me. I wish I could forget him, him individually. Nope. Alzheimer cannot cure that. I always wondered, what would it be like if he liked me back, or think about me the way I think about him. Would it be like one of the cinemas, where love prevails over everything? Would I be happy forever? I am no expert in relationships, so what do I know? I miss those feelings I once felt. It was inspiring. I used to get up for class as early as I could so I could see him and he could see me and say I am beautiful without him realizing how that'd made me feel. Compliments are evil. They make you end up wanting more. I miss those feelings sometimes. I don't know if I will ever feel something like this again. I don't know if I could like some...

You know there comes a time, at night, in the middle of the week or so to the end, I feel completely powerless and break down in tears, and my heart doesn't wanna breathe anymore. I feel like I am in void, and there's no one out there for me. I cry to the end of the night, I curl up and I feel so small and endangered. All the fears come crippling in. And I remember every little thing that hurt me since childhood to adolescence and to now. There's no stopping to it. I remember every detail to the story. And I mourn in present to my past. And my future scares the shit out of me. I keep thinking, is there gonna be anyone who will make me feel safe? The problem isn't that I am single. The problem is, I feel insecure about everything. Every freaking thing. And that's not healthy. Due to this feeling, I need constant assurance, which I don't get. Because I am not so close to anybody in my life. Yes I cry. And that is because sometimes it gets too heavy in my heart ...

To want things to go perfect is a deluded notion. There are multiple of probable results. Things can go perfect. It can go bad. It can go worst. It can go just fine, but not exceed your expectations. Now if you expect the worst things happening to you, there are chances that good things will come in your way, though they're not quoted to be wonderful, but, in your worst imaginations, it will turn out just great. You would know that life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. And everybody fights their own battles. Everybody has their own kind of break downs. One person's strength cannot be derrived from other person's weakness. Similarly one's failure aren't anyone's success. Each and everyone has their own battle to win or lose. The idea of being in a group, opting for a collective growth is bullshit. You alone stand for your progress and defeat... To be in class of 30 students, with a teacher expecting and grading us in the same level, I often find...

Life isn't where I want it to be. Haven't accomplished much. That kinda scares me, Because I am in my twenties and people my age are pretty responsible. How am I gonna get through adult life? This is the only question I wake up to ask myself and fall asleep thinking about.Is it worth, spending so much of my time thinking rather than doing much? My life has been a constant average or striving average. Nothing I did stood out. These days, I truly solely ask myself, what do I want. What is that I want to become. And what are the talents I can use to become something. You know, that makes me feel blank. I seriously have nothing that could help me survive in the corporate world. It sums up to this. The thought of him doesn't keep me awake at night anymore. I have trillion other things to worry about now. Just few weeks back I couldn't imagine myself being free from the thought of him not liking me back. I closed that chapter behind me. Is it a step to becoming a grown...

The moment you decide to not let your past control you, you set yourself free. You are fresh and beaming with new possibilities. Here's to a new beginning.

The good news is I am healing. The pain is 2 out of 10.  So I can walk and do other normal things without flinching. In the previous post, I have let out all my frustrations and how I am not so happy with my friends. I even used the term 'pretentious'. Well aren't we all a little pretentious? Today I feel more positive and I understood this one thing. Parents are the only people who is there for you selflessly. It would be silly to seek selflessness from your friends. And it would be sillier to want to have more than what you deserve to have from them. So yeah I might have misjudged my friends. I may have let my personal feelings and the things I was going through get in the way of our friendship. To judge them like that, I have to look at myself first. Have I been a good friend? No. I was barely there this semester, and I barely have been honest with them about things. I didn't put myself out there much for them to realize what I was going through and how I felt...

I hadn't cursed this much in my life in pain. If only screaming fuck hundred times in a pillow could work as a pain killer...RIP my left leg. I have a boil under my left thigh and which is sort of infected and I have missed classes this whole week, stayed in bed, flinched in pain every time I walked around the house to fetch me a glass of water or pee and I gotta tell you. I have never ever felt like dying this much. I guess this is the way of my body telling me to shut down for a while. I have tortured it a lot. I kept myself awake at night, slept till noon, I have lost weight, I have been stressed out about unnecessary things. I guess this was my punishment. This is just a bad year, it is not a bad life. I am starting to heal. Not being able to move much, made me think a lot. Made me realize, how I always cornered myself from people and stuffs...How every year, things keep changing and I don't much grow. Just couple of nights ago, I couldn't sleep because of all th...