I forgot being hopeful.
I forgot dreaming for a better world.
I literally stopped hoping.
Worrying myself about the worst things that could happen.
I don't know when it started.
Maybe the day, my father said, he left his job because his colleagues conspired against him and he didn't get promotion. Maybe from that day, I felt my ground shaking a little. From that day, I felt unsafe, though my father never made me feel any crisis. I felt guilty for every lavish spending I did. I felt a huge lump on the back of my throat every time I did bad in the exams. Because I knew, if I don't get chance in public university, my father will suffer badly. Yet I didn't make anything easy for him. I didn't get admission to any public and here I am in my sixth semester in a private uni with huge expense and no scholarship. It must be hard for him to go to office everyday, at this age. So he could pay mine and my brother's tuition fees. I don't know how he does it what he does. Being in this constant pressure to earn for our family by himself. It must be difficult. Yet he never makes me feel any crisis. He does it selflessly. Without any complaints.
Yet I am such a whiny little animal. I feel unsafe. I feel like, I can't do anything right. I want to serve my father and my mother and my brother but I feel like, I am so clumsy in everything. I am so immature. I can't survive if anything happens to my father. I can't even imagine what I'd do if my father gets sick. I can't save him. I don't know how to save him. He is aging, and I can't stop time.
I guess it started that day. When he quit his job. I felt like. We are in a boat in the middle of an ocean, and only my father knows how to raft and guide us. God forbid if something happens to him. I don't know what I'd do....I am so clueless. And I am so scared. Nobody thinks I can do anything right. My mother sees me as a burden. My brother, well I don't think he thinks anything real anymore. But I bet he is scared too.
Because my father is an intrinsic part of his life, and to all of us. He is...He is the backbone of this family.He is everything. I cry because it is scary. When everything. Everything is cored down to this one person who won't be here forever.
I feel unsafe and hopeless because, he took all the responsibilities, All of them. I want him to lean on me I so want him to finally enjoy and relax because he's been working his whole life. Everytime I see him go to work I feel guilty that he has to do it and I get to sit around waste all my energy all day.
Only if I could do something meaningful, I would have faith in myself and I wouldn't feel so hopeless and intimidated by life.
I forgot dreaming for a better world.
I literally stopped hoping.
Worrying myself about the worst things that could happen.
I don't know when it started.
Maybe the day, my father said, he left his job because his colleagues conspired against him and he didn't get promotion. Maybe from that day, I felt my ground shaking a little. From that day, I felt unsafe, though my father never made me feel any crisis. I felt guilty for every lavish spending I did. I felt a huge lump on the back of my throat every time I did bad in the exams. Because I knew, if I don't get chance in public university, my father will suffer badly. Yet I didn't make anything easy for him. I didn't get admission to any public and here I am in my sixth semester in a private uni with huge expense and no scholarship. It must be hard for him to go to office everyday, at this age. So he could pay mine and my brother's tuition fees. I don't know how he does it what he does. Being in this constant pressure to earn for our family by himself. It must be difficult. Yet he never makes me feel any crisis. He does it selflessly. Without any complaints.
Yet I am such a whiny little animal. I feel unsafe. I feel like, I can't do anything right. I want to serve my father and my mother and my brother but I feel like, I am so clumsy in everything. I am so immature. I can't survive if anything happens to my father. I can't even imagine what I'd do if my father gets sick. I can't save him. I don't know how to save him. He is aging, and I can't stop time.
I guess it started that day. When he quit his job. I felt like. We are in a boat in the middle of an ocean, and only my father knows how to raft and guide us. God forbid if something happens to him. I don't know what I'd do....I am so clueless. And I am so scared. Nobody thinks I can do anything right. My mother sees me as a burden. My brother, well I don't think he thinks anything real anymore. But I bet he is scared too.
Because my father is an intrinsic part of his life, and to all of us. He is...He is the backbone of this family.He is everything. I cry because it is scary. When everything. Everything is cored down to this one person who won't be here forever.
I feel unsafe and hopeless because, he took all the responsibilities, All of them. I want him to lean on me I so want him to finally enjoy and relax because he's been working his whole life. Everytime I see him go to work I feel guilty that he has to do it and I get to sit around waste all my energy all day.
Only if I could do something meaningful, I would have faith in myself and I wouldn't feel so hopeless and intimidated by life.
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