I have this urge to dress up my depression in a way that everybody sees it as though I am perfectly happy in every circumstances life throws at me, which is kind of disturbing sometimes, because I feel terrible to pretend at times when all of my mind is hung up on one thing and I don't care a bit about what they have to say yet I pretend to care. Giggle at pun intended at me, and it is going fine if you look at it without observing it. But if you put me under a microscope I am not doing so fine.
I cried myself to sleep last night while talking to God. I asked him to fix my brother because I can't still accept it. How he's so much alike a dead fish just floating, going with the flow that's it. He doesn't have an opinion on anything. He doesn't laugh so much. He is better than before I am thankful for that. But I miss him shouting. Claiming his ground whenever he is scold. These days, I feel like I actually lost him. I remember how he was in the childhood and I miss his essence. He is gone. He has changed into someone so quiet and unsocial and I just can't see him waste his years like this.
It all happened when I went to watch movie with my friends yesterday. In the hall, when I sat in the middle of my two friends, feeling like it all fits. I fit. My brother never felt something like that, did he ever? Did he have some one tell him how good he is as a person? He is very alone. He doesn't have friends. He did a group work all by himself and his teacher only graded him because he said he did it alone. And all his other group members are now mad at him and I am doomed how they don't know his good intentions. My brother didn't do it to take all the credit. I know how he separates himself from everyone around him, always sitting by himself. He doesn't credit himself a bit. He doesn't know how much capability he has within himself.
I feel so undeserving of having friends. Me and my twin brother we both were the same. Socially awkward. I got into a perfectly appreciative friend crowd while he has none. And I can't let him be alone. It hurts to be alone. No one knows it better than me. I want him to be able to enjoy life, the simplest things there is, and express his thoughts and express himself knowing that everybody loves him, there is nothing in him that cannot be loved, when will he realize that? I am so worried about him.
I cried myself to sleep last night while talking to God. I asked him to fix my brother because I can't still accept it. How he's so much alike a dead fish just floating, going with the flow that's it. He doesn't have an opinion on anything. He doesn't laugh so much. He is better than before I am thankful for that. But I miss him shouting. Claiming his ground whenever he is scold. These days, I feel like I actually lost him. I remember how he was in the childhood and I miss his essence. He is gone. He has changed into someone so quiet and unsocial and I just can't see him waste his years like this.
It all happened when I went to watch movie with my friends yesterday. In the hall, when I sat in the middle of my two friends, feeling like it all fits. I fit. My brother never felt something like that, did he ever? Did he have some one tell him how good he is as a person? He is very alone. He doesn't have friends. He did a group work all by himself and his teacher only graded him because he said he did it alone. And all his other group members are now mad at him and I am doomed how they don't know his good intentions. My brother didn't do it to take all the credit. I know how he separates himself from everyone around him, always sitting by himself. He doesn't credit himself a bit. He doesn't know how much capability he has within himself.
I feel so undeserving of having friends. Me and my twin brother we both were the same. Socially awkward. I got into a perfectly appreciative friend crowd while he has none. And I can't let him be alone. It hurts to be alone. No one knows it better than me. I want him to be able to enjoy life, the simplest things there is, and express his thoughts and express himself knowing that everybody loves him, there is nothing in him that cannot be loved, when will he realize that? I am so worried about him.
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